Letters For a Friend: 3

I finally understand the fear you always tried explaining to me. The anxiety and the tightening of your chest. The worry. The ache. The fear of loss and replacement and falling behind as things change so suddenly. It's like you're standing still and everything keeps moving around you. You just want it to slow down for a moment so you might have a chance to catch up. It's scary and I'm afraid. I wanted you to move forward, to move on, but now that you are I'm afraid you might move past me. I'm not used to seeing change in you. The unfamiliarity makes it seem like it's happening faster, but I know it's just paranoia. You've always been a constant in my life. The one person I could always depend on to be there even when it was something that upset you. The one man whose love I could accept, because there was no pressure or worry that you'd leave. I've never had to be afraid of you walking away or afraid of you hating me. It's why I've always been able to say I love you with such ease and why I can be so open with you about everything. It's a comfort I've never had with anyone else. It's something I'll cherish even when I don't show my appreciation. Even when I'm frustrated to the point of wanting to strangle the life out of you. You really have always been my best friend.

Letters For a Friend: 2

You hurt me in ways I didn't think possible. Tore me down to nothing and blamed me for everything. Is that supposed to be the price of love? I wanted to show you something more, but the pain wore me down. How could I hold you up when I couldn't stand on my own? I wanted so much to take your pain I sometimes forgot my own. I focused so much on it that soon that's all there was and when that was gone there was only guilt and then bitter resentment. I know before all that there was love. I know there were happy once. I couldn't tell you what happened if I tried. I'd still be there now if I wasn't so afraid. I don't want to fall back on old habits. And having you ask me for help, as a friend, something you've never called me before practically shattered me and broke my will. Yet, here I am, unable to help you in the way you need. I can't be there to offer you comfort or keep the loneliness away. I can't even give a simple word of care. I'm just too afraid. It took everything to let go. I can't think about the past we've shared without feeling a familiar ache. It's too hard. I'd like to think I'm emotionally invincible, but I'm not. If I were stronger I'd have walked away sooner. Maybe then we'd at least still be able to talk. I'm sorry for the pain we shared, but I hope you know I don't place any blame. I've let all that go. I hope you did too or can find it in you to. You deserve some semblance of peace and happiness. I know all you need is someone to love you. All sides of who you are and I know that you aren't the monster you pretend to be. You're just scared and lonely and want someone to hold you until all is right with the world. I don't hate you or resent you anymore. I wish for you to be okay. Selfishly maybe, because it would help heal some of the scars I still hold.

Letters For A Friend: 1

I said you would never hurt me with the things you say, but i somehow forgot to forget the pain. That momentary lapse was enough to make me realize I needed to let go of the memories I was holding. Our time has passed and we can't build over the scars. I can't pretend you can't hurt me just because you were there before, but it's hard to let go of something I held so close. Something that still helps to keep the pain away and calm my fear. I didn't and still don't want to see my friend isn't here. And yes, it hurts. It hurts because I can't forget. I can't forget the crying and the birds chirping and the singing and comfort. You built me back up from nothing. Saved me from believing I was just a worthless whore that someone almost made me. I can only figure it's vengeance. I can't believe you'd intentionally hurt me, though. Makes me realize just how easy it is to mess up and get hurt by mistakes. How easily those mistakes can turn someone. I couldn't, I can't, be the woman you wanted me to be. Seems like I can never be that girl. Sometimes no matter how much I wish I could be. And I really wanted to be. I didn't want to overthink. I didn't want to be afraid. I didn't want to have doubts. I didn't want to run or hide, but I did. I did and I regretted it up until now. I can't hold onto it anymore. Those two simple parting words cut something inside me. I'm not a whore of any kind and I'll never let anyone talk down to me like that again. No matter how much I care for them. Been there, done that. I'd shove those words back down your throat and make you choke on them if I could. I'll never lower myself for anyone ever again. I'm better than that and guess what? You're the one that taught me that. Who made me believe it and not even you can take that away from me. It might take some time, but I'll learn to separate past emotion from present, because I refuse to cherish those memories any less. They're mine and I won't let them be ruined. I won't not love a friend I made.

Not Okay

It's not okay. It is never fucking okay and it will never be okay, so don't ever fucking tell me it is. If I could shove those words back down your throat and make you choke on them I would. You don't deserve to breathe the same air as the heart you broke. She'd have given you everything and you had no right to cross that fucking line. You're exactly what you said you aren't and I hope you rot alone like the worthless, perverse scum you are.

So Sorry

I'm sorry has never held so much weight. My tongue is heavy with the words, but my heart can't let them out. How can I not blame myself when I feel like I took away everything that made you happy? How am I supposed to face you every day with the guilt and shame? You were the last person I ever wanted to see cry and now that I have what am I supposed to do? What do I say? How can it not be my fault? If I were stronger.. different.. more able.. a little less already messed up.. But I'm not and now there's one more trauma to add. It's not myself I cry for anymore and I wish I could have held it in. You never needed to know. You should still be smiling, but in a moment I took that away and I don't know how to fix it.

Truth Is...

You aren't a whore. You don't need to listen to or accept the demeaning things that other people say. It doesn't make it true. That means not slandering yourself as well. You're better then that so stop worrying so much about what others think. Be honest with them and even more-so with yourself. You don't need to cut yourself off from caring or other peoples love just because one person hurt you. Or even two or more. Sometimes its okay to let go and move on. To let free the hurt you hold. It's alright to cry and it's alright if you decide to e happy again. It's not wrong to believe the things people say. You don't always have to be afraid or expect the worse. Don't always have to worry about being weak and needing someone to lean on. Nobody can stand alone forever. Be strong, but not so strong you can't let anyone else near. You're beautiful, kind, confident, determined, intelligent and more loving then you let yourself know. You have so much to give if you'd only open up and allow yourself to do so. That doesn't mean you have to take on the burdens of everyone's life. You don't have to try and fix everyone's problems or heal their wounds. Stop spreading yourself to thin. It's not helping anyone. Accept some things are beyond your capability to handle. Don't hate or blame yourself for other people's pain or your inability to make it better. Not even angels can protect everyone.

Heartless

Still you curse me for all the mistakes I made and yet I can't seem to say a bad thing in your name. It wouldn't feel right. I wouldnt feel right. The hate and abuse you throw my way.. I can't tell if it's real or just the way you found to cope. Either way it's not something I deserve. I loved you the best I could. the only way I knew. It wasnt my fault that things changed. I can't be your everything. I cant be your angel.. your healer.. your shoulder.. I can't even be your friend. Things were good at one time.. werent they? They must have been. I wonder when things changed. When did love turn to bitch and whore. When did it become wrong to have another friend. what did I do that was so bad that all you see is a monster. Or maybe its not me you see at all. Maybe its you. How could you possibly love someone when you despise yourself so much? when you treat yourself so badly how could you hope to treat someone else any better. After awhile it just became repetition without feeling. I can be the frigid one if thats what it takes.. because I would rather you think me heartless then let you tear my heart to shreds.

Nothing Special

She said it was alright, she meant every word. He could lie, because it was fine. It wasn't real. He could say he loved her and that she was the only one, but she knew the truth was never so true. She just wanted to hear him say, to hear him say those words. So tell her you adore her. Tell her you care. Make her feel like she's something special. Make her believe that fake is real, because tomorrow she'll be gone again and you'll be with someone new.

Wolf Dream

In this dream, I don't remember what was going on before this train came racing across the tracks or what I was doing at the time exactly, I just know that it exploded and I went flying down the side of a snowy mountain. I ended up getting stuck in a cranny though and all these wolves came flying down as well, either getting hung by their legs or whatever else. They were trained to hunt and kill, but I can't remember who their target was. I had steaks in my bag so I threw one at each of them. After that the dream skipped and people were talking, about what I can't remember. I just know everyone thought I was dead. I can't remember why, but I ended up showing myself to my sister, Candice, she was talking to me, I don't know if I responded. I had adopted the way of the wolves so I was usually crouched down and growled a lot. When Brandice started to come over and I heard her I took off. That's when Angie seen me running and she chased after me into the deserty area, but it wasn't entirely desert. She caught up to me at this building tucked into a corner of the terrain. There was a woman here who watched over me and the wolves. Their were two pups and a male. The pups came out to greet and play with me, but when Angie came over they ducked back a bit and started growling at her. I don't believe I was actually speaking to her, but I was growling as well, the words made sense to me though. That's when the woman came out and started to talk to her, explaining to her about my condition and everything. I don't remember what she did to cause it, I think she scared one of the pups maybe, but they both jumped at her as well as me, growling and snarling angrily and that's when the male came up behind her biting on the right side of her neck. I acted quickly enough so that he didn't do to much damage. Her neck was only partially covered in blood, but it was covered up. I know that the wolf man wasn't like the other animals, he had his own intelligence to him like that of a humans. He'd shown me, in a vision of sorts, what he wanted and that was to become a human, in the vision I'd even briefly seen what he'd look like. He'd been working on figuring out how to do that for some time. He was my lover in the dream and I wanted to help him get what he wanted. I do recall that he was dark and heavily furred around his neck.

Give and Take

A good reason to never want anything from anyone or to take all appreciation from the "gift". People give, because they say they want to. It makes them happy. They do it, because they love or care about you, but in truth it's just another noose waiting to hang you. People expect things back for what they give and whether or not they take it from your gratitude or your blood and tears doesn't really seem to make a difference as long as they have that leverage. Its just one more thing to throw back in your face at the end of it all and one more reason to make cynics out of believers.

Memory

Its been many years since I've closed my heart to love, yet still a memory remains. It's the last beautiful thing in my life and I hope this finds you well. Yours was the way of the warrior while mine was of love, but now that I no longer have that, what path is left to me? Should I too take up a weapon and forge a trail through blood? Or should I bow my head and let others fight while my memory fades from this place? It is much uglier for the things I've lost. The things I crave and the things I fear are lost to this world.

Dream

Last nights dream had me freaking out, because I was pregnant. The dream started out in one place that I can't quite remember. I recall sand and water and fighting, but the most of what I remember was inside a building/house. It seemed like it was worlds away from the other place and that I was hiding. There were a couple of adorable little puppies. The third was really scared of me and ran away when I tried petting it. The other two were vying for my attention. Eventually they fell asleep o.O in a paper bag for whatever reason. After that I got up and was going to go lay down. My mom was there. There's some blanks here. Someone was sweeping out a large store closet. My mom was there. She was the one talking to me about being pregnant and needing to decide what to do. I kept thinking about how much easier life would be if I didn't have the baby and about the people I knew and then about wanting to keep the baby because it was mine and I wanted to know how it would feel to hold it in my arms. I ended up on a kitchen floor crying to myself.

Uncertain

There are so many things one can say to ensnare another's heart. So many lies spoken in moments of desire and need. So many ways to turn love to hate. It all starts with a thought. A promise. An idea of something more that eventually deteriorates into less than what was hoped for. Hushed words spoken to longing hearts about a life of forever, but forever doesn't always exist in a world full of uncertainty.

Love Again

I'm not sure I know how to love anymore.
-It's okay. I'll show you.
Is that even possible?
-Do you want to find out?
Yes, actually, I think I do.
-C'mon then.. Just don't let go before it's over.
I don't know if I'm that strong.
-None of us do. That's why all we can do is hold on and hope the person we're with doesn't let us fall.
Are you going to let me fall?
-I'm going to do my best not to.

Distrust

For years all I've heard from people is that somebody is saying this or that behind my back and that this person isn't really my friend or that person is using me or lying to me.. and then I hear from people who are supposedly friends that I'm selfish, neglectful, inconsiderate. I never really let it get to me, because I figured it didn't matter as long as I could try and help them, because everyone needs a friend, right? But now, I'm just too tired of acting like it doesn't matter, because it does. It hurts. And now I just don't trust anyone. I don't want them near me. I don't want them knowing me or trying to learn about me. It's all stuff they can just use against me.

Tiger

I had a dream with lots of dogs in it last night and some cats. I remember the cats and the dogs who lived with me ended up befriending some strays who they wanted to keep with them. They ended up staying on the roof because the strays didn't want to sleep inside. One of the dogs was missing though so I went to find him. It led me to the middle of nowhere train tracks crossroads area. There was a lady here who owned a bunch of dogs. They were actually very vicious, but whenever one would growl at me I'd say hi and it would stop. She was sitting next to one dog that was in a cage. She told me I was good with dogs and I told her so was she. Then the caged dog attacked a couple puppies who had ended up against the fence thing. One disappeared and I scooped up the other asking why she let them do that. She said, why not? I decided to keep up the pup and asked what name to give it. I could actually talk to the animal telepathicly. The first name it gave I laughed and said no, but it ended up with his heart set on Tiger for some reason. He was all striped and a beige like orange. I couldn't take him home though, but I said I would come back to visit. The woman asked if I was going to the other side of the tracks and I said no. She said good, that her brother lived on the other side and he was a cruel person. I went back in the direction I came but I soon got lost and ended up in someone's yard. He started following me around and said he'd lift me over the fence. I got a strong creep vibe from him so i kept declining and got out of there real fast. I ran into another guy there who was just as creepy only more forceful he tried to hang on to me and what not so I ended up screaming for the woman. He asked what she was going to do, sick her pooches on him. The end of the dream ended up with people on my side attacking the small group of houses. It was all war like.

Memory

I believe I've finally realized why you always made her feel that way. So feminine. So pure. The way you interacted. Spoke. You had that olden day charm. You were the knight in shining armor that girls used to dream about before they woke to the harsh reality of lies and betrayal. Of imagined hurt that became real. You were that passing dream they couldn't quite catch. The wish that they hoped would come true. She never truly forgave you, though she said she had. Somehow, she thought you knew and understood. Forgiving would cause that time to fade. To make it all unreal. So she held onto that last tie that holds the dream together. That last little bit of a happy memory.

Repeat

What I really want is someone who can say all the sweet things in the world and actually mean them and them being just for me. This thought, however, makes me never want to say anything of the sort to anyone, because what if it gets messed up? I suppose I'll have to learn to never repeat the same thing twice.

Nonexistent

I miss this friend I used to have. Maybe it was only in my mind. Something I longed for so created in someone else. Perhaps I was blinded by what I wanted to see rather then what was really there. A phantom I created in someone who never wanted to exist. Or perhaps I was blind in another way? Maybe I refused to see what I was being shown. Someone who craved more then what was being given and never wanted what they had.

Decisions

I think I've decided that I don't want to play this game anymore. I call it a game, because I don't know what else to say of it. I put myself in to it against my better judgement. Against every little voice in my head and even from those around me saying to stay away. To leave it be. I couldn't do that though. I had to see what was there. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep second guessing myself and even my own paranoia. How bad must it be when you do that? I can't keep fighting myself on what I want, what I feel, what I need and all the conflicts against each. Especially when I only have half the battle to fight.

Surrender

Could I surrender and give it all away once more? Could I take that last step beyond fear to embrace the chance of what could be? Could I shed paranoia and doubt and accept words once considered lies? Or should I accept that it is better to turn away? To hold it all in? To keep going down this path of self-induced loneliness? How easy it would be to simply give in. To let all the emotion I've been keeping pent up to spill over and show you how it feels to be the center of a world. Instead I hold myself back and spread myself thin. Distracting myself with many and claiming for myself none. Refusing to give that last little piece. Maybe I'm just waiting for that right moment.. That one reason to finally surrender.

I Wish

I wish.. A simple pair of words that hold in them so much burden and so much hope.. So much disappointment just waiting to happen. I made a wish once and I buried the hope of it deep in my heart. I secreted it away to a place that I could keep it safe.. Hidden.. Somewhere I could keep it from reaching out and falling to the earth to shatter in a myriad of sparkling tears. How was I supposed to know that wishes had a way of trying to fulfill themselves? How was I to know that wishing for the impossible would bring me to my knees? How was I to know that it would lead me to the edge of the abyss with my dreams just out of reach? I never knew wishing for the impossible would bring me everything I would ever find to be unattainable.

I haven't made a wish in a long time, but right now, I wish you were here and I wish it didn't matter what other people thought. I wish it were enough to simply enjoy what I had tried to give rather then what others try to take. I wish you could have seen me smile before it hurt. I wish I could take back the feelings I entrusted and left the friendship pure. I wish I had listened to that little voice that said beware..

Tell Me

What am I supposed to feel, because I don't know anymore. You seem illusioned by lies and hopes even when my words tell you otherwise. You keep trying to push your "love" and your "protection" on to me when you're the only one hurting me. You say that they use me and perhaps that is true, but at least I try. Even with my own cynical paranoia I still try, because I see who you are and I never want to be anything like you. You keep trying to compare us as monsters, but I'm on a different side of the coin. We may be alike in many ways, but we're turned in completely opposing directions. I wondered before if you even listened to the things you said, but after awhile even I stopped listening and when I did that, the ache stopped. The pain faded. Now we speak again and all I hear of is your hatred. Your hurt. Who are you to cast stones when you can say you love someone and then say this to them..

you have the fucking nerve to sit there and say ive always avoided us in rl when your still living a fucking fairytale? For what? Your gonna visit. Were fucking arguing and you run away to that place?! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Am I the only grown up in this? Wow. Fucking attention whore. I fucking swear to god. You fucking little rat, fucking with me. You'll give up us for them!? I fucking knew it. I fucking smelled it on you. Youre never going to change. never. Attention seeking whoorreee thats all. You know what im not other people I wont say what you want to hear because I dont want anything from you! i fucking hate you! you mother fucker! Fuck you. fuck your fucking face bitch. all this fucking time. "Oh im never on. im not . im cooping" lying trash! liar... you deserve them. Now I cry for nothing... ignored. I should kill myself tonight just for feeling made a fool of.. Fucking whore.. you get upset cause im right. you say to stop but im right.. your a deciever.. i just.. i just wanted something more and you choose them.. over me? full of shit. i ALWAYS FUCKING fight for you you never!! do it for me! just. . . tell me when you wanna grow the fuck up.

Again, what have you illusioned yourself with? There hasn't been an us for over a year. There's been a you and me. I don't think there was really an us before we broke up. You keep saying I don't care about you, but how many times do you think you can say that before I don't? The only way to cope with talking to you is to be completely void of any emotion. I'm tired, and I can't stress that enough. Five years is my limit. Five years of taking blame and insults and thinking you were right... To think it took me so long to say enough is simply overwhelming, but I've read that above passage over and over and I feel nothing to read it. Nothing. So tell me, what should I feel?

Hatred

For so long this hatred has been burning beneath the surface. Fueled by constant emotional beatings and repressed anger. A rage that has no escape. No words. An anger that wants only to scream and lash out with teeth and claws, but when that is impossible the only weapon left is words. Words cut deep and linger in the mind and soul. They leave scars beyond the physical realm. Scars that can't easily be tended to, but it is so far from what I want. I can't feel emotional wounds with my hands. I can't tear at them with bloody nails. Can't get the satisfaction of feeling the body bruise and break beneath my onslaught.

Honestly, how many times do you think you can tell me I don't care before I stop? I'm sick of your self-pity and sick of you trying to shove the blame down my throat. Sick of you claiming that I'm saying all these things that I've never said. You only have eyes for your own "pitiful existence" as you put it. Everyone's just worthless, lying, fake scum in your eyes. Nobody cares about you. You're going to be dead in a few years. You're depressed and addicted to my "abuse". I could repeat your words back to you from day one. I don't care if you're upset that I don't say I love you. You want me to pretend, but I'm sick of pretending. Why the hell do you say you love me when I know what you think of me. You've only said it a thousand times over. I'm a weak, lying, hypocritical, manipulative and selfish whore that is no better then anyone else. I let everybody take advantage of me while I let you suffer and stab you in the back for my so called friends, because I don't care about you and I'm just a monster.

Yeah.. Five years of this and the fact that I still talk to you makes me question my own sanity, but then I've never had a good sense of survival. I wish I could have stayed angry, but I've never been good at it. I'm back to being numb, but I think anger would be preferred.

Fear

She was never so good at accepting peoples "love".. She could bask in their affection, but even that scared her. She was always waiting for that next word, that next caress, that next step that would send her running scared. How she sought after that feeling though. To feel wanted. Needed. Adored. Loved even. To feel absolutely consumed with it, but the thought of giving up everything.. All of herself.. It terrified her to no end. Not understanding her own reasons she found herself giving bits and pieces of who she was out to people who came into her life. To people she cared about. Adored. How unfair was it to them? She had no idea. She searched for the reason, but couldn't find it. Instead as she began losing feeling over her own sense of wrongness she began to think it was because she wasn't getting enough emotionally. That she just needed more to fill the void that was inside her. A void she created herself out of fear. If a person did not have all of her, they could not destroy her. They could wound her.. but they couldn't kill her.