Letters For a Friend: 3

I finally understand the fear you always tried explaining to me. The anxiety and the tightening of your chest. The worry. The ache. The fear of loss and replacement and falling behind as things change so suddenly. It's like you're standing still and everything keeps moving around you. You just want it to slow down for a moment so you might have a chance to catch up. It's scary and I'm afraid. I wanted you to move forward, to move on, but now that you are I'm afraid you might move past me. I'm not used to seeing change in you. The unfamiliarity makes it seem like it's happening faster, but I know it's just paranoia. You've always been a constant in my life. The one person I could always depend on to be there even when it was something that upset you. The one man whose love I could accept, because there was no pressure or worry that you'd leave. I've never had to be afraid of you walking away or afraid of you hating me. It's why I've always been able to say I love you with such ease and why I can be so open with you about everything. It's a comfort I've never had with anyone else. It's something I'll cherish even when I don't show my appreciation. Even when I'm frustrated to the point of wanting to strangle the life out of you. You really have always been my best friend.

Letters For a Friend: 2

You hurt me in ways I didn't think possible. Tore me down to nothing and blamed me for everything. Is that supposed to be the price of love? I wanted to show you something more, but the pain wore me down. How could I hold you up when I couldn't stand on my own? I wanted so much to take your pain I sometimes forgot my own. I focused so much on it that soon that's all there was and when that was gone there was only guilt and then bitter resentment. I know before all that there was love. I know there were happy once. I couldn't tell you what happened if I tried. I'd still be there now if I wasn't so afraid. I don't want to fall back on old habits. And having you ask me for help, as a friend, something you've never called me before practically shattered me and broke my will. Yet, here I am, unable to help you in the way you need. I can't be there to offer you comfort or keep the loneliness away. I can't even give a simple word of care. I'm just too afraid. It took everything to let go. I can't think about the past we've shared without feeling a familiar ache. It's too hard. I'd like to think I'm emotionally invincible, but I'm not. If I were stronger I'd have walked away sooner. Maybe then we'd at least still be able to talk. I'm sorry for the pain we shared, but I hope you know I don't place any blame. I've let all that go. I hope you did too or can find it in you to. You deserve some semblance of peace and happiness. I know all you need is someone to love you. All sides of who you are and I know that you aren't the monster you pretend to be. You're just scared and lonely and want someone to hold you until all is right with the world. I don't hate you or resent you anymore. I wish for you to be okay. Selfishly maybe, because it would help heal some of the scars I still hold.

Letters For A Friend: 1

I said you would never hurt me with the things you say, but i somehow forgot to forget the pain. That momentary lapse was enough to make me realize I needed to let go of the memories I was holding. Our time has passed and we can't build over the scars. I can't pretend you can't hurt me just because you were there before, but it's hard to let go of something I held so close. Something that still helps to keep the pain away and calm my fear. I didn't and still don't want to see my friend isn't here. And yes, it hurts. It hurts because I can't forget. I can't forget the crying and the birds chirping and the singing and comfort. You built me back up from nothing. Saved me from believing I was just a worthless whore that someone almost made me. I can only figure it's vengeance. I can't believe you'd intentionally hurt me, though. Makes me realize just how easy it is to mess up and get hurt by mistakes. How easily those mistakes can turn someone. I couldn't, I can't, be the woman you wanted me to be. Seems like I can never be that girl. Sometimes no matter how much I wish I could be. And I really wanted to be. I didn't want to overthink. I didn't want to be afraid. I didn't want to have doubts. I didn't want to run or hide, but I did. I did and I regretted it up until now. I can't hold onto it anymore. Those two simple parting words cut something inside me. I'm not a whore of any kind and I'll never let anyone talk down to me like that again. No matter how much I care for them. Been there, done that. I'd shove those words back down your throat and make you choke on them if I could. I'll never lower myself for anyone ever again. I'm better than that and guess what? You're the one that taught me that. Who made me believe it and not even you can take that away from me. It might take some time, but I'll learn to separate past emotion from present, because I refuse to cherish those memories any less. They're mine and I won't let them be ruined. I won't not love a friend I made.

Not Okay

It's not okay. It is never fucking okay and it will never be okay, so don't ever fucking tell me it is. If I could shove those words back down your throat and make you choke on them I would. You don't deserve to breathe the same air as the heart you broke. She'd have given you everything and you had no right to cross that fucking line. You're exactly what you said you aren't and I hope you rot alone like the worthless, perverse scum you are.

So Sorry

I'm sorry has never held so much weight. My tongue is heavy with the words, but my heart can't let them out. How can I not blame myself when I feel like I took away everything that made you happy? How am I supposed to face you every day with the guilt and shame? You were the last person I ever wanted to see cry and now that I have what am I supposed to do? What do I say? How can it not be my fault? If I were stronger.. different.. more able.. a little less already messed up.. But I'm not and now there's one more trauma to add. It's not myself I cry for anymore and I wish I could have held it in. You never needed to know. You should still be smiling, but in a moment I took that away and I don't know how to fix it.

Truth Is...

You aren't a whore. You don't need to listen to or accept the demeaning things that other people say. It doesn't make it true. That means not slandering yourself as well. You're better then that so stop worrying so much about what others think. Be honest with them and even more-so with yourself. You don't need to cut yourself off from caring or other peoples love just because one person hurt you. Or even two or more. Sometimes its okay to let go and move on. To let free the hurt you hold. It's alright to cry and it's alright if you decide to e happy again. It's not wrong to believe the things people say. You don't always have to be afraid or expect the worse. Don't always have to worry about being weak and needing someone to lean on. Nobody can stand alone forever. Be strong, but not so strong you can't let anyone else near. You're beautiful, kind, confident, determined, intelligent and more loving then you let yourself know. You have so much to give if you'd only open up and allow yourself to do so. That doesn't mean you have to take on the burdens of everyone's life. You don't have to try and fix everyone's problems or heal their wounds. Stop spreading yourself to thin. It's not helping anyone. Accept some things are beyond your capability to handle. Don't hate or blame yourself for other people's pain or your inability to make it better. Not even angels can protect everyone.

Heartless

Still you curse me for all the mistakes I made and yet I can't seem to say a bad thing in your name. It wouldn't feel right. I wouldnt feel right. The hate and abuse you throw my way.. I can't tell if it's real or just the way you found to cope. Either way it's not something I deserve. I loved you the best I could. the only way I knew. It wasnt my fault that things changed. I can't be your everything. I cant be your angel.. your healer.. your shoulder.. I can't even be your friend. Things were good at one time.. werent they? They must have been. I wonder when things changed. When did love turn to bitch and whore. When did it become wrong to have another friend. what did I do that was so bad that all you see is a monster. Or maybe its not me you see at all. Maybe its you. How could you possibly love someone when you despise yourself so much? when you treat yourself so badly how could you hope to treat someone else any better. After awhile it just became repetition without feeling. I can be the frigid one if thats what it takes.. because I would rather you think me heartless then let you tear my heart to shreds.