Limbo

I'm stuck in this place where I'm not quite amongst the living nor the dead. I breathe, yet the air is stale. I speak, yet the words are hollow. I listen, yet there's no sounds. I feel, yet the texture is not substantial. I'm simply floating in shades of gray watching people dance around me like puppets on strings. I might reach for them, but I'll never grasp hold. I'll simply continue to trap myself in this lonesome prison, because I can't decide which door to take. Behind every one I see endless possibilities swirling and twisting. One moment bright with the next full of dread. The past stretches behind me like a leeching shadow and the future remains in constant shift with no beginning yet in sight. So I stay here. Never moving forward and afraid to ever look back.

Give Me

Give me a moment. A touch. A passing glance. A whispered word. Give me these things that you hold to selfishly. The things I crave that you deny. I'll beg a little more if you'll just give me one of many needs. I'm pleading for this, a happiness long gone yet not obtained so still to be given. I want it all from you. Everything you keep locked away. The secrets, the fears, the lies.. Give it all and maybe I'll finally be able to let these dark things I keep go.

Cry

Why do you cry for someone who would not cry for you? Why do these tears stain your cheeks like rivulets of fear? Why cling to the pain in your heart when you know they won't even care? I watch you trembling.. clutching at the broken trinket in your chest. I want to tell you.. To whisper all you need , but all I can do is watch you there and let you suffer in silent pleas. I could save you, I know, but I think I'd rather watch you drown. Can you see now their promises meant little? I'll always be there is just a lie bringing false hopes that'll break as you die. You should have listened to that little voice that always said beware. Had you kept your trust in iron bars you wouldn't have to now be crossing that thin line. Still it's not to late to bring you back from death. I think though.. I'll let you go so when you reach that place you can tell me what you see. For I think, I may soon be joining you.

Filth

Though it may seem I brush things off so easily you can't see what I hold beneath this protective shell. You see a smile, but I hide a frown. You hear laughter, but I hold back tears. You see strength, but I'm paralyzed by fears. You think optimist, but this glass isn't even half full. The face I put on is more then just for show. It's my hide away from my own self-loathing. I thought if I buried myself deep enough I wouldn't have to see the layers of filth that I wear, but now I see it perfectly clear. The mistakes I'd made before were not tangible, but this is something new, something real. I no longer know how to react, to feel. My thoughts, my body..both disgust me. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. A traitor to the me I thought I used to be. I feel like little more, less even, then the slander I've been given. I'm opening myself up so you can see and watch me bleed out my shame. Go ahead and spew your scorn. Add your words to my contempt. Feed this hatred and watch me burn. Leave me alone to let me rot. Maybe I'll let you pretend you can despise me more then I already do, but you will never feel the grime that I can never wash away. So go ahead and throw it all back in my face, because I've already torn myself further down then you could ever hope to lower me.

Love Kills

Hatred is a quick way to destroy while love is more thorough.. Slower in its kills. It wishes to savor every moment as it leads you along the path of your demise. Whispering sweet promises of forever to draw you along and keep you from hearing the warnings you somehow always feel. Veiling you with lies of protection so as you fall deeper you don't see all the broken hearts it has left behind...

Life&Death

Life. The most beautiful tragedy ever written. No matter how wonderful something may be it will come to an end. So, if you take each moment and live at only that time how much more do you think you could get out of that short span. If you think, that within the next instant none of it will be there, do you think you could find more in a passing touch? Would you not hesitate to show every emotion? Or hide, like a shadow in the background? When you reach out and realize you're touching life's frail hand will you shrivel up and cower in your fear? Or let death claim you in its fickle embrace? But how fickle can something be that has been with you since the day you are conceived? Life is in constant motion all around you on the outside, but death is born within. It's only fickle about when it chooses to reclaim you from the life you become reluctant to give.

It's Strange..

How completely open I can find myself with a complete stranger, but then as I get to know them and the relationship may develop further I may never open up to them again in such a way about anything else. It seems strange that I would share one aspect of my life with certain individuals and yet not others. I find myself pondering this, because I have had a few mail me saying they enjoyed the honesty in my profile (on another site). I'm not saying there were lies in it, but that it wasn't everything either. Most of it focused on one thing in particular and briefly touched on others. So now I'm sitting here thinking about how odd it is that I would open up about one aspect of my life to a specific group of people and yet not to another and that I would likely never open up about another aspect to that same group. It's the rare occurrence that I would find someone I would want to share more of it with. Then I sadden myself by wondering why I can't just have that same openness about everything all the time to everyone. Of course that couldn't possibly work now, could it? Some people just don't understand some things that you would want to tell them or you'd get a bad tongue lashing by a difference of thought or whatnot. Sad, but true. Maybe though, there could be at least one person I could talk to about everything? The sad part is, I think I would have to be completely emotionally detached from them to do so. How twisted is that? If I get to close to someone I shut down and would rather them know nothing. I've even come to points where I wished I'd never met them just so I could re-meet them and change how it is, but that still wouldn't work, because then I would know them again and poof, the same problem. Is it wrong to want to share all your opinions and even, most twisted secrets, wants, need, shames and etc with someone?

Don't Wanna Be That Girl

I'm so tired of being the girlfriend. The one who isn't trusted. Whose every action he's paranoid of. I'm struck by the feeling of wanting to fade into the background and watch from afar. I'm sure I'd make a better guardian angel then a girlfriend any day. Who would want to be the one who hurts the person they care most about? That's all I've learned from playing this part. Betrayal, pain, suspicion. I don't wanna be that girl anymore. I'd rather be the best friend who is trusted no matter what. Who gets to hear all his secrets. I'd sacrifice the more romantic side of things for the simple ones. I take more joy in that anyway. It's so hard to explain and I'm tired and I don't want to be awake right now, but I can't sleep. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. I had someone I considered a best friend once, because I could relate to that person like I couldn't anyone else. They were my go to person and then one day.. They just weren't. I suppose friendship is just as fickle as a real relationship. I'd love to have a best friend, but yet another downfall.. If it is a girl, there seems to be jealousy issues. If it's a male, there seems to be wanting more issues. Can't I just find that simple innocence I want? Being a girlfriend makes things so complicated as well. You can't have a male best friend, because your boyfriend gets jealous or suspicious. Another girl, and well.. I never hear good things from them. I'd rather not even get into all that drama.
I'm just tired of the complications. Is it so bad to want simplicity? To stop the hurting that comes with the relationship? I guess maybe it is.. Love doesn't breed perfection.. it simply amplifies the flaws and from it I've come to hate myself for the faults I'm beginning to see in myself. I don't think I was ever meant to be a girlfriend and I think if he were wise he'd move on, because in the end he will hate me just as much as I do myself.