Fuck You

Do you feel the pain of your words? Feel the hurt that you conjure in someone elses already aching heart? Do you ever look past your own gluttonous mind, you self-addicted fucking bastard? No, you'll never understand the things you pretend to. Who knew love could turn such a tender heart full of hate. Fuck your pleading, your nonchalance and your self-righteous love. Just give up this game, because you're playing alone. And when you're sitting high up on your throne I hope you take the time to look back and suffer for what you thought was right, because right will never be there like I was. Never try to hold you up when you're falling down and sure as hell never love you like I did. But for the sake of your pride and your twisted little pity needs we'll say you're right and let it eat you away inside, because "Sorry" seems to be all you need to say, but sorry doesn't make it all okay. Sorry doesn't take away the hurt of insult, after insult or the lies you used to hide from the one you supposedly cared for more then yourself. Sorry will never be enough to heal the wounds you've inflicted and it will never bring back the feelings that once were there. And for all the things I've left unsaid, I'd just like to say Fuck You, because that about sums up everything you've left me to feel.

Meh Best Friend

Should I tell you all the things you truly mean to me? I fear the repercussions of what that may cause. Some things are better left without words to spit curses upon them. I fight against feelings and try to rationalize the why's and what if's. I fear endings almost as much as I do beginnings. I fear the loss of the one person who always seems to be there even when sense probably tells them not to be. I create excuses and reasons to avoid being put in that situation and act like it means little when you say what's going on in your heart, but never tell you my own in truth. Instead I give sad smiles and nod, wishing I could share the little things. I fear where they would lead. I don't think I want to go down that path and lose what I've found. I feel like I owe you though. I think you deserve to know.. I love you.

You're a part of me. You've engraved yourself into my essence without ever having to cross physical boundaries. You're the one I turn to when I feel weak. Lost. Hurt. The one I depend on for guidance and honesty. The one who I trust with my darker secrets, because I know somehow you'll find acceptance of who I am. What I've done. There have been times I've allowed myself to fold into your embrace and forget the world outside and just take in the moment. To fall into the urge to take you away to our own world where everyone else's pain would fade away and we could forget our own. I've wanted to be your shield, but I've always used you as mine instead.. And I've mistreated you so..

I'll always be the first to say, "She's not good enough for you." and I'll mean it every time. I'll always say, "Never settle for less then what you're willing to accept." I'll fail at times, but I'll always try to regain my lost footing and fix what I wrong. I never want to see you falter and fall. Never want to see you give up and let go. I want you to keep dreaming, because someone needs to keep that hope alive. I want you to let your soul fly to the places your body can't go. I want to see the impossible come true through your eyes. I want you to become everything you ever thought you could never be, but I never want to lose you as you are to me.

It is possible to love and not be together and be two and yet still be one.

void

She took things. She didn't give. She didn't know how. Ever since her first taste of receiving she had become a glutton. She desired more. She wanted more. She couldn't be satisfied with a little. Every piece of happiness she found she destroyed with her craving. She was insatiable. She was a void of nothing, but what she took from others. She was alone in a world that only fed her hunger, but never satisfied. A world that ignored the pain by giving more and more, but never healing the wounds that caused her to bleed out. She wasn't even sure that that chasm could ever be filled.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: All he could do is give. That's all he ever really wanted...to give, and hopefully receive...no, not receive, as noone ever truly even allowed him to give. It would only be so long till he gives all he could. If only he could get back, but...he never did. He gave, and gave, 'till even his own desires were warped...From naught but giving, he created his own inner void...

LaniKat: And though she watched as he slowly sunk into his own good nature she could do nothing, but continue to feed off that which he gave so willingly. She knew he suffered and she ached for the pain she fed in his heart, but she couldn't stop herself. She could never stop. Not for her pain. Not even his. Instead she tore the void wider and together they became lost in an infinite loop of giving and taking with nothing between.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: He didn't really care, though...he was happy to give to someone who'd receive...an eternal darkness is always more bearable with a companion...even though she were a unrequited glutton, leeching away at every drop of himself, all he could feel was satisfaction in providing substance to someone...something...Her pain, Her pleasure, Her satisfaction...his so-called "Void" because his new-found "Paradise"...

LaniKat: Even though she continued to take from him she couldn't fill that hole. That pain. That gnawing emptiness that stole away her very being. The person that she was until she was little more then a shell. She'd accept his comfort, his touch, his "love" but she'd be left craving more until she smothered him beneath her overwhelming need. Use him as she needed and go on to another only to come back for more. No matter what it may be as long as it was hers.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: Retreat, return, retreat, return...it only made him lust for her desire. It only empowered his resolve to give her it all, because she'd always return for more, and he'd always provide what she desired...Would he be satsfied if she stayed? Not even he knows, really...but seeing her as often as he did was truly the highlight...

LaniKat: And though he happily accepted her with open arms this acceptance only caused her to ache more. To need more. To try and drown out her sorrow in his affection to no avail. Feeling condemned by unspoken words and spiteful emotion that is sure to hide beneath the surface. She longed to run, but her feet always brought her back to the same place so that she could continue to try and bury herself within another's love.

Illusions

You can pretend if you wish. Believe it is true. What's it matter if nothing is real? Put up your barricade. Your mirage. Weave your lies and watch them grow. Tell the world it's true even when it's false. Make me trust in what you say then turn me away. I'll act the part I was given to play, but just try to see what's going on beneath the lie. I'll hide the secret of this burden and pretend it's all okay even though you'll never know the pain I hold. This world is only make believe so lets just take it as it is.. A wonderfully misplaced illusion.

Shame (Sat. Oct. 2. 2010)

Tell me you understand so I can tell you you're wrong. Give your comfort, your pity, your lies of everything's alright. The hatred is nothing beneath the shame. Such a simple word yet so hard to say. Forgiveness can be given, but never accepted. Why I cannot say. I don't understand. How can purity live beneath filth? An angel that never was can never fall so why am I lying at your feet? Is my humility not enough? No, I've been beaten to the point that even knowing so doesn't change what is. I can never be anyone other then me, but how I despise this woman that I am.

Heh (Sat. Oct. 2, 2010)

There's an indescribable pain in my chest. It's centered at my solar plexus. It's not really physical.. Or I don't think. It feels like an emotional squeeze. A sudden wave of depression that brings pain and makes me want to cry, but I can't even get my eyes to water. Somehow I think if I cry the pain will go away. I know what I want that would probably make me cry.. I can't really expect that though and can't say it would really make me feel better. Running away seems like a good idea too. There's something I'm supposed to write and I suppose I should do that.. I'm not sure what to make it now though.. Baka.. Gomenasai.

Rambling Thoughts (Thurs. Sept. 30th)

It's rare that I just write out my thoughts. I prefer them to be written with hidden meaning. I like them complex. Convoluted. Tonight though, I just want to write. I was happy earlier. Was floating on a cloud of white. I got lost, but I was okay, because I knew I'd find my way back to where it was I was going. I got there though and then I was sad. The traveling to always seem grand, but the destination never is. I feel like I'm standing on unstable ground and it's making me antsy. Any sort of tie is bad in this situation. I feel like a wave being pushed and pulled and if someone were to ask what I want I'd have to say I honestly don't know,other then for it to stop. I just want to breathe. I'm so tired of feeling suffocated, but that feeling won't go away. There's this little voice nagging at me. It's speaking of cages and traps. Strangulation, drowning, suffocating. The loss of air, movement, freedom. I'm sick of being asked how I feel when I know I'll just say I'm fine. Smile. Pretend. I dunno. Do you ever feel like your thoughts are incomplete? Or break apart? I do. It's confusing, because it makes me forget why a lot. I think my mind likes to wipe itself blank then reanalyze everything. That's bad. It's conclusions are always different. My hearts just as fickle. I really need to find someone to confide in. Someone I can trust. Who won't judge. Who understands. Who I can tell absolutely everything. Even the dark thoughts I don't want to tell myself. Corby's the only one that even slightly meets the standards. (sorry Lon and others but I know you all judge.) He does understand the demons inside. The self-loathing. The hatred. The intensity. there's so much I want to tell. Everything actually. Oh yes, but who could handle the truth? Pfft. So many would say them, but how wrong they are. How I'd love to be an angel. Though perhaps a demon would be more suiting. Ah, perhaps a succubus who feeds on emotion rather than sexual intercourse. I think I ponder too much on other peoples thoughts and feelings and not enough on my own. But I do so love hearing everyone else s inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, I should talk to John. He's always trying to figure me out. His own little puzzlebox. I'd hate to leave him bored though. hehh.. Penny for your thoughts anyone? The one's that linger beneath the surface? No? Oh well.

What I Think About You

Lonnie-He's meh sweetling aka best friend though I've never met him in person. He's my emotional support though, even if he's an apathetic jerk a lot of the time >.> who really just wants to be selfish and/or act like a blob. I fear his judgment even though he has yet to judge me. At least out loud or in a critical manner for the things I've done. When I tell him about things that truly effect me even if I won't admit it to myself, he'll cry for me. He'll support me. He'll do what he can and he'll die over the fact that he can't protect me. I love this guy <3 He's amazing and I don't care what anyone else has to say about him 'cause I don't care what kind of friend he is to you, just me. He seems so lost.. I feel like he's slipping further away from me at times. It always feels like there is somewhere else he wants to be. He's not satisfied with life. With himself. This is what he's been showing me lately and it really disappoints me.. Saddens me. -- Add on. Now we don't really talk much. My choice. I don't believe in him like I used to. I don't trust him like I used to and most of what he says just irks the hell out of me.

Angie-o__o My femme best friend and ex lover. She's awesome. She's out there. She's fun. She's sadistic and twisted and perky and chill. She's bi polar. She's my yang. She's my bad influence. She gives me strength. Support. Love. She's perfectly imperfect and I know if I ever need anything she'd probably be the first one there. She's strong even when she's weak. She's determined. Persistent. She's a shorty n.ns and adorable as hell and really needs to get over her self conscience feelings about her body, because I think she's beautiful. She's temperamental and gradually learning more self control. She's been growing in spirit and it shows in how she holds herself now. She's improving on her faults and has a lot of potential if she'll only allow herself to take hold of it and not get sidetracked. She's...meh schmetterling and I'll always love her. <3

Corby-He's a friend I sometimes neglect, but who is counted pretty highly amongst the majority of them. He has a lot of self-inflicted issues and I really feel connected on a mental/emotional level with him. He understands a lot of the things I share with him. Understands my feelings of myself. Like me, he explores his darker thoughts and feelings. I can share those things with him without feeling uncomfortable. He's an all around amazing guy who judges himself and his worth far too much. He takes on stress he doesn't need too and really knows how to devote himself to a person, even if that person treats him like trash in return. His heart is big. He's willing to help when he can and always offers a hand when I need one. He's become a pillar of support lately that I've really needed. He's my first mate n__n and the one who will understand when others won't. I'm glad to see that he's finally learning to stand on his own two feet. To push past the pain he's feeling and stand up for himself. To not allow someone to keep using him and treating him as an emotional release. It'll be good for him.

x.x' I should get this one over with soooo...

Pete- He's the guy I gave everything to.. Who I've fought with and for over the last four years. The one I've confided in of certain things and wish I could have confided in about others. He's the one who's helped mold me as I've grown. For better or worse, I'm not quite sure. He makes me confused, unsure, and weary. He makes me worry, angry, sad, frustrated.. He makes me want to strangle him and knock sense in him. He needs to grow up.. He's learning.. slowly. He's too dependent on his parents. He's critical. Pessimistic. Easily depressed.. Put down. He wants more, but doesn't fight for it. He just lets life happen. He accepts it. He's good at making me laugh. We're like polar opposites though. I guess he's the negative to my positive. The devil to my hell. He's my Beast and I'm the angel that never was.

Mandii-She's depressing, frustrating, fun, social. She holds herself down and even makes excuses for her excuses. She's a procrastinator and takes criticism badly. She's sensitive. She's friendly. She's a push over. She's a softy. She's got a big heart and lot of love to give. She's cuddly and touchy x.x' She wants things, but isn't willing to work for them. She's lazy and dislikes responsibility. She's hard on herself, but doesn't try to fix what she dislikes. She's easy to get along with and great to talk to. She tries to close herself up when she shouldn't. She's not good at conflict. She has lots of opportunities around her, but doesn't reach for them. She could probably achieve a lot if she really tried. She's a fantastic writer and has a love and gift for the arts. She just needs to open herself to the more positive energies of life rather then sealing herself in darkness... She's meh lil NymphoKat Lol XD <3 She is also somebody that I no longer consider a friend after the things I've learned she's said behind my back.

Gordon- o___o He's a sarcastic ass who likes to get what he wants when he wants how he wants. He's not a good person to be on his bad side. He seems to enjoy vengeance and giving people a hard time. He's outgoing and charismatic and an easy person to hate or love. He's like a drama magnet. He's amusing, entertaining, fun, hilarious, could probably make a living out of teasing people >.< Oh, and his ego is unrivaled and I can honestly say he probably created mine XD lol. So bad... Hm.. I miss him. He was a good friend until we stopped talking and drifted apart. He helped me through a pretty rough time, but then I slipped and fell back into a bad thing like I tend to do. For him, I just wanna say thanks for staying up long nights and keeping me company. It was awesome. He's awesome. He's meh lost Hostage. These are the things I prefer to remember..

x.x Gawd.. there's so many of you!!

Steven- I really don't have that much to say about you x.x' You're an ass...BUT you have really improved on that. We've had our ups and downs, but our friendship was never really tight. We have gotten more talkative this last month and it's been pretty cool. you sarcastic jerk. .. Now, however, you've dropped the jerk tag. You're actually a lot more open then you used to be. You seem to be less depressed to. I'm not sure if that's just a cover or not though.

Toii-PandiiCandii N.N You're another person with whom I'm not that close. You are funny though and have a pretty outgoing personality. I always enjoy talking to you so Yay for that n.ns

Adam-You o__o are a perv. Lol, just thought I'd get that out of the way. However, despite the fact we hardly talk anymore you are EPIC. I think you're the only person I've ever met that I just clicked with. Ever since we first spoke it has been nothing but laughs and just.. awesomeness. You were one of my go to people and I still trust you like I don't many others. I do miss talking and fighting off pink zombie gophers in the middle of the night DX aww... such good times.. You're one of my other emotional supports if ever I need and I know I can count on you for advice and basically whatever I need. You have a strong personality and are one hell of a determined man.. Knowing your situation and all. And you aren't that bad of a singer either. n.ns Anywho, you'll always be BigBrother to me.

Soren-Another friend who I've lost a bit of trust in. He's the only guy I can seem to have conversations and crap with and not be afraid of him being a complete pervert or hitting on me N.N It makes me happy. We can even have "sword" fights! Lol. n.ns No, even with the loss of trust he's still been a great friend to me and has always been willing to help and encourage me where I needed it. He's never faltered in supporting me and pushing me to do better for myself. We've had confiding conversations and great times >.> especially when I'm whooping him at grand theft walrus.. -clears throat- Anywho, he'll always be meh BigBrother too.

Zak-He has an adorable singing voice. o.o he hates being told he's adorable but he is. He's love struck and confused and stressed and frustrated. I'm weary of him. I do enjoy talking to him. He's flirty. He's got the emo hair XD and can do the flip! = awesome. Adding on from last time I wrote.. He's maturing and I'm rather enjoying the little changes I see. I feel less weary of him and feel more relaxed talking to him now.

John-I have very spiteful feelings towards him at times. He's wonderful to talk to. Intelligent. Witty. Savvy. He makes me feel stupid at times. He's good at cooking, baking, music, writing. He studies martial arts. o___o The dude is like freaking perfect okay ze.e! Likes to keep clean. Likes travel. Likes helping people. Has old standard morals when it comes to marriage and what not. He makes me push myself in my writing without saying a word. He inspires me. He's my Tia Teri, My Muse. He broke my heart and then I broke his. I have repressed anger towards him that I can't seem to let go even though I try and have given him my forgiveness. I place blame on him when I shouldn't. I guess.. He is my scapegoat. I take my feelings of hatred out on him and he just takes it. If I were anyone else he would've shut me down already, or so he says. He comes off to me as a humanitarian. He has big dreams. A big heart. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel so feminine and I can't figure out why. He frustrates me. I despise him. I'm getting irked just writing this so I'm gonna stop.

x.x I'm just gonna stop here.. might add more later. If anyone else wants me to write something about 'em just ask and I'll add it.

Now to continue...

Laskey- Well.. I've only met you a couple times so the most I know about you is just things I've heard from Mandii and other people. I normally don't like just going off what other people say, but for the most part you are a good friend to Mandii and I do have quite a bit of respect for you due to certain things concerning her and problems she's had. It shows good character. If we ever get the chance to get to know each other better I'm sure I'll have more to add to this.

Danielle: I don't really know much about you, but I have read some of your writings and I find them to be really well done.

Emily: Well.. When I first met you, you came off as more upbeat and spunky. As time progressed you began to show an inner sorrow and now I can see that aura clinging to you. You have a lot of happiness smothered beneath it though. Like rays of sunlight trying to break through a cloudy sky so the people around you only get to glimpse the beauty hidden behind the veil.

Randy: You come off as the guy who wants to do and fix things, yet instead you're stuck in the background. You seem to be struggling for the things you really want to achieve, but can't quite get out of the hole you've placed yourself in. You just really seem like someone who sits and directs from the back while others take the light. It's not a bad thing, but it makes it hard for you to get noticed and get your ideas out.

Kaylie: Lol, I know you said you didn't want to be placed in here, but.. I just have to add you to say, I can't really put much thought into you. I don't know even little tid bits about you.

Alycia: Can't believe I haven't added you!! Honestly, you're the only female I've been attracted to as a girlfriend type since Angie. I love your photography. Slightly envious of your skills actually. Lol. I think you have a very endearing personality, but when it comes to the men you like you try changing yourself to suit what they want you to be and then get frustrated when it doesn't work out. You come off as dependent towards your mate. You rely a lot on the feelings and thoughts they give you. I think inside you have a very strong persona though. You're definitely a dreamer. You just seem to get overwhelmed and give up easily. I hope you can over come your self destructive obstacles to accomplish everything you desire though.

Dierk: This is probably the first person I've met that has made me happy simply by being here. I've yet to have him do anything that actually makes me hurt. Even seeing his interactions with other people makes me smile. With him, for the first time, I got to see myself make someone ecstatic without having to worry about putting pain on them. I got to make them happy and then I got to see their joy over it. It was wonderful. I was talking to him and then he was talking to the other as well.. but it was me he was telling how he felt. How happy he was. How much warmth he felt. It was amazing.. and I'm pissed that somebody had to go and shatter that moment that had been created. It was just.. beautiful.. I've never experienced so much happiness as I did through him when he was telling me about what was going on. It was like the happiness of a child.. So pure. And now x.x I still have this song stuck on repeat. Lol.. I'm always curious to see what he's going to be up to next. What thoughts he's going to spill and emotions he's going to let out. It has me absolutely fascinated and I love sitting here watching him. It's not like with other people either, where I'm always trying to figure out every little thing. I'm simply content to let things fall into place and discover the things as they come. There's so many interesting little twists. So really, what's not to adore?

Obviously I have a lot more to say about some people then others. This is because my relationship is more developed with some. I hardly talk to the majority of you unless it's in brief comments. That's not enough to get a real idea of your persona so I can only gleam a first impression. I don't want to base my thoughts on only that. I'd be glad to listen if anybody wants to have real conversation though.