Sorry

So, there's this girl. She's kind of a brat and she's horrible at controlling her temper. When she's angry she just blurts things out even when she knows she shouldn't or when she'd rather say something else. Later she'll think about it and she'll want to apologize or go back and say what she didn't, but she finds it really hard to do that. You see, it's hard for her, being direct, with squishy emotional things. She doesn't exactly have any tact and the openness of it makes her edgy and rather volatile. She doesn't like it. Them. The squishiness.

So one day, she hurt someone's feelings, because she got angry. It was awkward for her later and she wasn't sure how to approach him. She cou.. should have just apologized, but instead she did what she tends to do when she feels discomforted. She withdrew and tried poking at the waters. She thought that she could make it up to him by simply being around and being good. She did know she hurt his feelings and she did care. She isn't so oblivious as to not know when she'd upset him. She knew from the way he didn't talk to her like he normally would. He just sat around in silence and when he did speak it was curt and cold nor did he reply when she said she loved him, but she thought if she was simply determined it would fix itself. No, it doesn't make sense, but her mind doesn't always work quite right. She was trying to make it better, just not in the way that would work. 

She'd been sad for days. Especially at night after she'd worn herself out of things during the day. She'd been crying a lot and she entirely sure why. She just hurt inside. She'd gone over a few reason's as to why that might have been. Her utter lack of belief in anything lasting being one of those things. Her worry that this guy was going to end up hating her. She knows she's been bad to him. All they did was argue when they did get the chance to talk. She didn't mean to argue with him. It just happened. Half the time she didn't even know why she was fighting with him. All she really wanted to do was curl up with him, but sometime, somehow, something happened and for her it felt like there was a wall between them. She couldn't feel that warmth from him that she once did. She didn't know if it was her or if it was him. He said a lot that he loved her and that she was most precious, but she couldn't feel it. She wondered a lot if that was part of the problem. Sometimes she'd feel a little spark of it here or there.. but more and more she just felt more distant from him. Again, she didn't know if she was doing it or if it was him. Of course it made her withdraw more in herself so after awhile she wasn't helping the situation. She'd be around him, but the way it felt, she might as well have been alone. He'd told her that relationships were give and take, but she didn't think either of them were getting what they wanted. She doubted he could be, because she knew she hadn't been giving much of anything. When he was gone, she missed him horribly. When he was with her, she was just angry. She still isn't sure why. She's contemplated it, but has no definite answer.

So yes, she was hurting and depressed and she went to him, because she wanted that warmth that he could give her, though rare it seemed to be. Instead of getting that, she got a cold shoulder. He says he hurt her, because he was hurt and that he'd hurt her again if she hurt him. She didn't understand that and still doesn't. All that registered for her in that was that unless things were great between them and she had him happy then she couldn't depend on him, because he'd simply lash out at her  to return whatever hurt she'd caused him be it intentionally or not. There was no in between about it. There was no, I'd try not to, but it might happen. No. He said specifically. If you hurt me I'm going to hurt you. Where's the safety in that, the security, she wondered? She had been hurt before, but that he had turned her away when she came to him and asked him for help, had cut deep. Even now she's struggling to come to terms with that. He apologized for the way he reacted to.. something. She can't even remember. She was to angry to hear him before, but in the back of her mind she knew she should have stopped for a moment and finally said she was sorry for losing her temper before, but she didn't, because she was angry again. Angry and hurt. She always acted as if she got over things quite easily, but she never let anything go and it had a way of festering. Every little nuance or bad word spoken between them. It had it's own little place in her mind and maybe that was why she had so much angst when it came to him. Why she no longer felt that warmth.

See, she doesn't feel good in his eyes and it's not just the bad things he's said to her, but the bad things she's done to him, those are possibly worse, because she blames herself for what he's said to her. She thinks that it's her fault and believes what he says. Even though a person might be one thing to themselves, how another person see's them, well, that's part of who they are as well, after all, it's hardest to know yourself. If he said she was a bitch then it was true to her. If he said she was uncaring. It was true. Every bad thing he said, she did, it just made her more defensive, distant, cold. It made her want to push him away, because she looked down at herself through him.  She's not saying that was the way he really saw her, but once the thoughts were there, they stuck. . and at some point he must have saw he those ways, because he said them. Not all, some were of her own thinking. The worse she treated him, the worse she saw herself, and the worse it would get. She did try to stop. Sometimes she'd try just stepping back and not controlling anything, but that didn't work out very well either.

She doesn't understand why he stayed around her. It was confusing. She was mean. He was unhappy with her all the time and yet he still said talking with her made him feel better. She wasn't sure why. She wasn't nice to him like she used to be. Despite her own feelings towards how she saw herself through him, she still believed that everything between them meant more to him then her and that also made her want to push him away. It was wrong to her that someone should feel more for her then she did them. She believes that she'll always end up disappointing that someone. That in the end she'll just hurt them. He said during this last fight that he didn't want a forever gf, but that confused her as well. What was it he wanted then? He wanted her to himself and had continuously told her they were dating and yet he now said he didn't want a forever gf. Did that mean that he had no plans of being with her in the future anyway? That wouldn't surprise her as she had never seen a future with anyone for herself. Yes, she said she loved him, but she also didn't believe that word meant to her what it did others. For her, it was merely a way of saying care. It didn't mean much more for her to say it to one person or the other. The word was rather empty in and of itself. . she had no meaning for it. It was a fairy tale. A friend had told her that she needed to create it for herself, before it could be real. She liked that idea, but I digress.

So she told him to go away. That she wouldn't regret it and could live without him. Of course that's true. She already had that lesson in life. It took her many years to figure out how to say goodbye to someone and then a few years more to figure out how to move past regret, but a lesson learned isn't always forgotten. It wasn't a remark about her feelings towards him, just a statement that she could move past the pain of losing someone close to her. She accepted long ago that nobody and nothing is a constant and that goodbye's are always going to be there. All she wanted was for him to understand that. She just wanted him to understand that. That she couldn't be that dedicated, loving person. As far as she knew, he wanted a future with her and she couldn't see one. Did that mean she didn't care about him? No. Did it mean she didn't want to be romantic with him? No.

So he went away. He came back, though. Which really surprised her, because as far as she had ever been able to tell he was far better than she was at ignoring someone as he could go a long time without responding t o her as has happened in the past. She didn't mean to fight with him again. She just wanted to be honest and let him know how badly what he had done hurt her. It broke something inside. And she knows that he was hurt and she knows that she wasn't in the right of anything, but none of that changes how she feels about his turning her away when she came to him for help. All she wanted was for him to know that couldn't just forgive him and go back to trusting him to be there when she needed him. She couldn't just get over it. He always said that problems don't fix themselves, you have to talk through them, but sometimes it's not talking that needs to be done. Sometimes talking doesn't bring the trust back. Sometimes it doesn't make the cold warm again. Sometimes other things are required. But yes, he came and a fight ensued. She knew that once he left again, his pride wouldn't let him come back a second time, nor would he risk having his heart ripped out, yet again., but she did want to try fixing things when he had first came to her. She just wanted him to know why it wouldn't just fix and that it wasn't going to. It needed time.

And so she told him a story that he already knew with some things that he didn't. Why is she telling him this story? Just so that he knows she's...

Letter To A Friend.. Number... ???

Well, I guess you aren't really a friend, but then you never were. You were just some guy that wanted to be with me. That wanted me to be with him. See, if we weren't being affectionate and caring we didn't talk at all. Weeks could pass without a word. It was always more to you then it was to me. Why shouldn't it have been? I knew how it would end. Perhaps it's that I was so set in that that it is why it did end that way, but hey, seems I was right. Now you're gone. Isn't it amazing the way someone can tell you that they love you and that you mean more to them then anything and then time passes and suddenly you don't seem to mean so much. Of course, when you notice little things, like the fact that they could go those weeks without speaking to you. Even days. Never a word, well then, can you say that you ever felt like you meant so much then?
Then again, love isn't something I really believe in. Maybe once, but I believed in that fairy tale kinda love and now I just think that love is the fairy tale. It just isn't real. Care, sure. The urge to be with someone and spend your time on them, because you enjoy it, but this love thing entirely eludes me. I had a friend tell me the other day that love is what you create. He said that it doesn't exist for me, because I haven't made it yet. In a way that makes sense, but the very idea of it still remains at the edge of my mind. I just don't get it. I can't see to the end of things, because all I see are the ends. I don't think things are meant to last and I don't believe in that one person for everyone. Maybe my thoughts have just become twisted by how much of a selfish world I believe we live in. Everyone wants what's best for them. What makes them happy. What satisfies their pride. . or whatever vice or righteous belief they have. If you do something, you do it for yourself, even if it's something to help someone else. Perhaps the least selfish of all people are those that give even when it makes them angry inside to do it. When the very thought of doing so embitters them, because even though they feel that bad inside to give what they do, they still do it. It's not like they get anything from it, but a sour mood.
Don't get me wrong. I understand pain. I understand want. I understand all the feelings that a person can go through and I'm not immune to them, I'm just not surprised when 'love' doesn't come to fruition. I'm not shocked when things end. I'm not dumbfounded by all the ways things can go wrong or that people lie or cheat or.. well, nothing really surprises me anymore. I started writing this with a tinge of pain in my heart and now I'm feeling void, because I don't understand why I was hurting. You're gone and I'm never going to hear from you again. I'm never going to laugh with you or play games with you or hear your voice or your thoughts. I don't know where you're going to end up in life. I don't know if you'll be happy or sad. I'll never know anything about you ever again. Yeah. That should sum up everything that should cause regret or hurt later on. I've put it out and now I can let it go. Does it make me heartless to be willing to let go, but I guess to really do so then I'd have to get over the thing I said I couldn't, but that would then make this pointless. So instead, I'll accept it as it is and let you have your goodbyes. Hope the next one works out better for you, because I already know where mine will end.

PS; The other side of things: o-o Fuck you. Who the hell intentionally hurts someone that they say is more precious to them then anything? I don't care what the reason is. Spite or just to teach them a lesson? What the fuck is wrong with you? Really? You had your feelings hurt because of a moody bitch fit and twisted that around and used it as a reason to purposefully hurt the feelings of someone that came crawling to you in hope of comfort, because you told them they could trust you. You told them that you'd protect them. Way to go. Liar. Are you surprised? I'm not. Ahem.. to reiterate this.. You INTENTIONALLY, that would be to do something with the known purpose of, yes, knowingly done, meant to happen, hurt their feelings. It wasn't just some emotional outburst. No, it was a cold, calculated decision. You hurt my feelings so now I'm going to kick you while your down. Oh, do you know why that person was hurt in the first place? Any idea? Even think to ask? Did you ever think that maybe someone close to them died? No, of course not. You didn't bother to even find out what had them crawling to you in the first place. Would you even care if that were the reason? Would you suddenly feel like an ass? Would you suddenly regret your decision? Mm.. That's a good question. Too bad the answer isn't worth anything. I, however, do feel some of those humanoid emotions drifting into the void now. ^^'

Silence

Words. Merely things passed between and used to twist reality; To tug upon the strings of conscience and desire. Emotions run ragged and self is torn to shreds with but a few words. With so little they can be used to tear relationships apart and destroy empires on a sigh of breath. The tongue is such a loose thing. A thoughtless weapon. Teasing, tantalizing, luring. A serpents trick. You try to stop, to hush it all. To drown the noise behind tight lips, but the words leak out. Drawn along by wanting ears eager to hear; to change your thoughts and spew the words back out along a knotted tongue.

Secreted Kisses

She was so calm and debonair compared to me. She always seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. She held herself with such composure that I couldn’t help, but stare in awe of her. Maybe I was even a little envious. So why was she staring at me like that? It made me uncomfortable the way she would watch me with that unwavering look of determination on her face. Such a fierce expression and yet I swore if I looked a little closer I could see something beyond that. A little crack in her armor, a spot of softness, maybe? How did she manage to make me into this bumbling, blushing fool? My heart shouldn’t be racing when I catch a glimpse of her. I shouldn’t feel disappointed when she walks by without a word or feel the joy that I do when she glances back. I shouldn’t be hoping that she’d stop and turn my way and yet I have to clasp my hands to stop from reaching out to brush her arm. I don’t understand why she pretends to not know me when she passes by, but when we’re alone she tells me that I am hers to keep. I know it’s wrong to let myself be kept as secret as the kiss she gives, but even in the dark she tastes so sweet.

Letters To A Friend 6

So, my sister is in surgery right now. The doctors are trying to stop the bleeding. It was unclear if they know what is wrong or not. They did say that they believed she was having twins, but one of them passed. Now I'm just waiting for my mom to call to hear what happens next. I don't really know how I feel on the matter. I'm pretty shielded from most things. It's like a block or something goes up in my brain that just stops me from.. I don't really want to say caring, but it's the closes thing I can think to it. I mean, in a way I guess I'm sad for the baby that died, but at the same time I really don't think that my sister needs another kid. Although, this pregnancy was for my uncle, not sure if he'd have taken them both either way.. I don't really think the kid would have had a stable and secure life.. I guess I find it cruel to bring someone into the world, but at the same time who is anyone to decide that someone else shouldn't have the chance to live? It can be a wonderful place, can't it? I mean, well, everything's pretty double sided. Sometimes the most wonderful thing is just to feel the warmth of the sun beating down on you and at the same time, it can become one of the worst feelings. There's a lot of things in life that makes a person not want to be around at times. It's hard to hold onto the good things. They always seem so fleeting in comparison to the misery that enters our lives, but it just seems that people focus on the things they dislike more than what they don't. I wonder why that is. Hm.. I guess I'm just indifferent and I think I'd rather remain that way right now. The alternative doesn't seem all that grand.

Letters To A Friend 5

How far gone was gone for us? I don't think back often. After awhile the memories just faded out on their own. I didn't need the pain of what they brought. Even the good ones hurt, because they made the bad ones worse. I'm trying to open myself back up to what's past in hopes that maybe I'll actually let it go and move past it rather then repress it. Three things stand out. I miss you. I'm angry, and it hurts. I could never see from your side so I can only speak from mine. I muted myself at the end of it all. I didn't say a lot, because I didn't feel like wasting breath and I didn't want the headache. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was done and just wanted it all to stop. I was tired of fighting and I was tired of making up. I was tired of the sweet things turning to rot and I was just tired of trying for a repeat cycle. You kept saying things could change and yet they never did. You said I needed to change, but you never acknowledged when I did and then when you finally got it, you said I'd turned into a bitch. Heartless. Cruel. Unkind. Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want me to stop being so nice? So forgiving? Hm.. I stopped forgiving and you said that it was just you. That I treated everyone else differently. That I forgave them. I'm not sure if forgiving is the right word, but I definitely let myself move past it as much as I was able. I don't want to hold onto things and let them embitter me, although I seem to have failed at this, I'm still trying. If you came back and we could actually be friends, if that chance was there, I'd take it.. But even when I was pleading with you to be your friend you wouldn't accept it. That wasn't good enough for you.

Everybody is the wronged when it involves more then one. That's what I've learned more than anything else in life. No matter how right you think you are in something, you're wrong to someone else. Maybe they hurt you, but you hurt them too. They angered you? Well, maybe you made them angry. They're incapable of emotions due to some strange brain wiring? Well, maybe they just don't get it. Either way, everybody is wronged and it is never right. Even when you win, you still lose.

Running

You can spend a lifetime running through shadows and never reach the sun. Spend a lifetime trying to find the truth in an elusive light and never know if it was real. Spend a lifetime chasing down that one thing that will make you feel like you've finally made it, but what do you do when you finish the race? What do you do when you catch the dream and find there's nothing left?

Letters To A Friend 4

So, it's been awhile, huh? For awhile there you were really gone. No, that's not quite right. I'm not sure you ever really were. Not from me, anyway. Just highly distanced and out of mind for as much as could be. I have these days where I miss you more then words could say and I get this urge to make contact again, but I always stop myself. I know I can't do that. It wouldn't be right, would it? It's hard to discern what the right thing is to do sometimes. I'm making this choice and saying it would be bad, but you, well, you haven't reached out either, so maybe you agree? I can't really know and even if I asked I'm not sure the answer would be for the question or even true. I'm skeptical like that, but I'm sure you know. Hell, you knew me better then anyone for a long time. I just really hate what it was you say you saw. I've developed a bit of a complex over that. Two completely opposing sides, but maybe that just proves how much you really knew. Then again, maybe not. After some time you just shut me out and went on and on about things off of your own issues.
How are you, I wonder? Are you doing any better? Are you still drowning yourself in booze and drugs? Did you finally head back to school? Gain any confidence? Find a little hope? Stop stressing over the world? Accept that you have friends? I wonder..
Anytime I think that I should give in and just see if things could be different between us, I go back to what our conversations became. To how angry you were. How numb I was. You would scream and I'd just shut it out. It didn't work for us, but I don't see me jumping head first and fighting you on it to have worked any better. I don't think anything would have made it better, honestly. Not even if everything was suddenly perfect. After all, there's a lot of things perfect hides. Like candy coated rot.
Do you still write? You really had a way with words. I've lost mine. Words seem bothersome now and they don't want to come out so much. I've basically quit. I kind of picked up drawing. I cheat a little. I'm impatient and lazy with it so I never come up with my own poses. I guess that's okay. I just do it to keep myself busy and I enjoy it.
Nostalgia. I had better get back to work.

XO <3 br="">

Best Friends Still Best

I still couldn't say all the things you mean to me. My words aren't so good anymore and I don't mean a lot of what I do. When I'm yelling and trying to fight, it's just anger with no where to go. I never wanted to lose you, but I think we're only holding by a thread. How much abuse can one person really take? How many apologies can be accepted before there's none left to give? How far can you push until you've pushed too far? How long can you be okay until you just aren't anymore? When is enough, enough to leave? All shields end up breaking in time and I haven't taken very good care of mine. If you could forgive everything I know you would, but I don't think you can. The hardest things to heal are the things caused by the ones you love most and I know I've done a lot of damage, but how could I not hurt someone so close to me when I'm busy hurting myself?

... This is stupid. I don''t know why I'm bothering with it. Writing is just a pain like everything else. Impossible anymore. It all all sounds retarded to me anyway. I just spent the last hour forcing myself to get all that out and it was pointless. Why bother saying crap like that? It's not like it matters to anyone or like anyone will ever get it. Just pointless.

Eh.