So one day, she hurt someone's feelings, because she got angry. It was awkward for her later and she wasn't sure how to approach him. She cou.. should have just apologized, but instead she did what she tends to do when she feels discomforted. She withdrew and tried poking at the waters. She thought that she could make it up to him by simply being around and being good. She did know she hurt his feelings and she did care. She isn't so oblivious as to not know when she'd upset him. She knew from the way he didn't talk to her like he normally would. He just sat around in silence and when he did speak it was curt and cold nor did he reply when she said she loved him, but she thought if she was simply determined it would fix itself. No, it doesn't make sense, but her mind doesn't always work quite right. She was trying to make it better, just not in the way that would work.
She'd been sad for days. Especially at night after she'd worn herself out of things during the day. She'd been crying a lot and she entirely sure why. She just hurt inside. She'd gone over a few reason's as to why that might have been. Her utter lack of belief in anything lasting being one of those things. Her worry that this guy was going to end up hating her. She knows she's been bad to him. All they did was argue when they did get the chance to talk. She didn't mean to argue with him. It just happened. Half the time she didn't even know why she was fighting with him. All she really wanted to do was curl up with him, but sometime, somehow, something happened and for her it felt like there was a wall between them. She couldn't feel that warmth from him that she once did. She didn't know if it was her or if it was him. He said a lot that he loved her and that she was most precious, but she couldn't feel it. She wondered a lot if that was part of the problem. Sometimes she'd feel a little spark of it here or there.. but more and more she just felt more distant from him. Again, she didn't know if she was doing it or if it was him. Of course it made her withdraw more in herself so after awhile she wasn't helping the situation. She'd be around him, but the way it felt, she might as well have been alone. He'd told her that relationships were give and take, but she didn't think either of them were getting what they wanted. She doubted he could be, because she knew she hadn't been giving much of anything. When he was gone, she missed him horribly. When he was with her, she was just angry. She still isn't sure why. She's contemplated it, but has no definite answer.
So yes, she was hurting and depressed and she went to him, because she wanted that warmth that he could give her, though rare it seemed to be. Instead of getting that, she got a cold shoulder. He says he hurt her, because he was hurt and that he'd hurt her again if she hurt him. She didn't understand that and still doesn't. All that registered for her in that was that unless things were great between them and she had him happy then she couldn't depend on him, because he'd simply lash out at her to return whatever hurt she'd caused him be it intentionally or not. There was no in between about it. There was no, I'd try not to, but it might happen. No. He said specifically. If you hurt me I'm going to hurt you. Where's the safety in that, the security, she wondered? She had been hurt before, but that he had turned her away when she came to him and asked him for help, had cut deep. Even now she's struggling to come to terms with that. He apologized for the way he reacted to.. something. She can't even remember. She was to angry to hear him before, but in the back of her mind she knew she should have stopped for a moment and finally said she was sorry for losing her temper before, but she didn't, because she was angry again. Angry and hurt. She always acted as if she got over things quite easily, but she never let anything go and it had a way of festering. Every little nuance or bad word spoken between them. It had it's own little place in her mind and maybe that was why she had so much angst when it came to him. Why she no longer felt that warmth.
See, she doesn't feel good in his eyes and it's not just the bad things he's said to her, but the bad things she's done to him, those are possibly worse, because she blames herself for what he's said to her. She thinks that it's her fault and believes what he says. Even though a person might be one thing to themselves, how another person see's them, well, that's part of who they are as well, after all, it's hardest to know yourself. If he said she was a bitch then it was true to her. If he said she was uncaring. It was true. Every bad thing he said, she did, it just made her more defensive, distant, cold. It made her want to push him away, because she looked down at herself through him. She's not saying that was the way he really saw her, but once the thoughts were there, they stuck. . and at some point he must have saw he those ways, because he said them. Not all, some were of her own thinking. The worse she treated him, the worse she saw herself, and the worse it would get. She did try to stop. Sometimes she'd try just stepping back and not controlling anything, but that didn't work out very well either.
She doesn't understand why he stayed around her. It was confusing. She was mean. He was unhappy with her all the time and yet he still said talking with her made him feel better. She wasn't sure why. She wasn't nice to him like she used to be. Despite her own feelings towards how she saw herself through him, she still believed that everything between them meant more to him then her and that also made her want to push him away. It was wrong to her that someone should feel more for her then she did them. She believes that she'll always end up disappointing that someone. That in the end she'll just hurt them. He said during this last fight that he didn't want a forever gf, but that confused her as well. What was it he wanted then? He wanted her to himself and had continuously told her they were dating and yet he now said he didn't want a forever gf. Did that mean that he had no plans of being with her in the future anyway? That wouldn't surprise her as she had never seen a future with anyone for herself. Yes, she said she loved him, but she also didn't believe that word meant to her what it did others. For her, it was merely a way of saying care. It didn't mean much more for her to say it to one person or the other. The word was rather empty in and of itself. . she had no meaning for it. It was a fairy tale. A friend had told her that she needed to create it for herself, before it could be real. She liked that idea, but I digress.
So she told him to go away. That she wouldn't regret it and could live without him. Of course that's true. She already had that lesson in life. It took her many years to figure out how to say goodbye to someone and then a few years more to figure out how to move past regret, but a lesson learned isn't always forgotten. It wasn't a remark about her feelings towards him, just a statement that she could move past the pain of losing someone close to her. She accepted long ago that nobody and nothing is a constant and that goodbye's are always going to be there. All she wanted was for him to understand that. She just wanted him to understand that. That she couldn't be that dedicated, loving person. As far as she knew, he wanted a future with her and she couldn't see one. Did that mean she didn't care about him? No. Did it mean she didn't want to be romantic with him? No.
So he went away. He came back, though. Which really surprised her, because as far as she had ever been able to tell he was far better than she was at ignoring someone as he could go a long time without responding t o her as has happened in the past. She didn't mean to fight with him again. She just wanted to be honest and let him know how badly what he had done hurt her. It broke something inside. And she knows that he was hurt and she knows that she wasn't in the right of anything, but none of that changes how she feels about his turning her away when she came to him for help. All she wanted was for him to know that couldn't just forgive him and go back to trusting him to be there when she needed him. She couldn't just get over it. He always said that problems don't fix themselves, you have to talk through them, but sometimes it's not talking that needs to be done. Sometimes talking doesn't bring the trust back. Sometimes it doesn't make the cold warm again. Sometimes other things are required. But yes, he came and a fight ensued. She knew that once he left again, his pride wouldn't let him come back a second time, nor would he risk having his heart ripped out, yet again., but she did want to try fixing things when he had first came to her. She just wanted him to know why it wouldn't just fix and that it wasn't going to. It needed time.
And so she told him a story that he already knew with some things that he didn't. Why is she telling him this story? Just so that he knows she's...
No comments:
Post a Comment