Memory

I believe I've finally realized why you always made her feel that way. So feminine. So pure. The way you interacted. Spoke. You had that olden day charm. You were the knight in shining armor that girls used to dream about before they woke to the harsh reality of lies and betrayal. Of imagined hurt that became real. You were that passing dream they couldn't quite catch. The wish that they hoped would come true. She never truly forgave you, though she said she had. Somehow, she thought you knew and understood. Forgiving would cause that time to fade. To make it all unreal. So she held onto that last tie that holds the dream together. That last little bit of a happy memory.

Repeat

What I really want is someone who can say all the sweet things in the world and actually mean them and them being just for me. This thought, however, makes me never want to say anything of the sort to anyone, because what if it gets messed up? I suppose I'll have to learn to never repeat the same thing twice.

Nonexistent

I miss this friend I used to have. Maybe it was only in my mind. Something I longed for so created in someone else. Perhaps I was blinded by what I wanted to see rather then what was really there. A phantom I created in someone who never wanted to exist. Or perhaps I was blind in another way? Maybe I refused to see what I was being shown. Someone who craved more then what was being given and never wanted what they had.

Decisions

I think I've decided that I don't want to play this game anymore. I call it a game, because I don't know what else to say of it. I put myself in to it against my better judgement. Against every little voice in my head and even from those around me saying to stay away. To leave it be. I couldn't do that though. I had to see what was there. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep second guessing myself and even my own paranoia. How bad must it be when you do that? I can't keep fighting myself on what I want, what I feel, what I need and all the conflicts against each. Especially when I only have half the battle to fight.

Surrender

Could I surrender and give it all away once more? Could I take that last step beyond fear to embrace the chance of what could be? Could I shed paranoia and doubt and accept words once considered lies? Or should I accept that it is better to turn away? To hold it all in? To keep going down this path of self-induced loneliness? How easy it would be to simply give in. To let all the emotion I've been keeping pent up to spill over and show you how it feels to be the center of a world. Instead I hold myself back and spread myself thin. Distracting myself with many and claiming for myself none. Refusing to give that last little piece. Maybe I'm just waiting for that right moment.. That one reason to finally surrender.

I Wish

I wish.. A simple pair of words that hold in them so much burden and so much hope.. So much disappointment just waiting to happen. I made a wish once and I buried the hope of it deep in my heart. I secreted it away to a place that I could keep it safe.. Hidden.. Somewhere I could keep it from reaching out and falling to the earth to shatter in a myriad of sparkling tears. How was I supposed to know that wishes had a way of trying to fulfill themselves? How was I to know that wishing for the impossible would bring me to my knees? How was I to know that it would lead me to the edge of the abyss with my dreams just out of reach? I never knew wishing for the impossible would bring me everything I would ever find to be unattainable.

I haven't made a wish in a long time, but right now, I wish you were here and I wish it didn't matter what other people thought. I wish it were enough to simply enjoy what I had tried to give rather then what others try to take. I wish you could have seen me smile before it hurt. I wish I could take back the feelings I entrusted and left the friendship pure. I wish I had listened to that little voice that said beware..

Tell Me

What am I supposed to feel, because I don't know anymore. You seem illusioned by lies and hopes even when my words tell you otherwise. You keep trying to push your "love" and your "protection" on to me when you're the only one hurting me. You say that they use me and perhaps that is true, but at least I try. Even with my own cynical paranoia I still try, because I see who you are and I never want to be anything like you. You keep trying to compare us as monsters, but I'm on a different side of the coin. We may be alike in many ways, but we're turned in completely opposing directions. I wondered before if you even listened to the things you said, but after awhile even I stopped listening and when I did that, the ache stopped. The pain faded. Now we speak again and all I hear of is your hatred. Your hurt. Who are you to cast stones when you can say you love someone and then say this to them..

you have the fucking nerve to sit there and say ive always avoided us in rl when your still living a fucking fairytale? For what? Your gonna visit. Were fucking arguing and you run away to that place?! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Am I the only grown up in this? Wow. Fucking attention whore. I fucking swear to god. You fucking little rat, fucking with me. You'll give up us for them!? I fucking knew it. I fucking smelled it on you. Youre never going to change. never. Attention seeking whoorreee thats all. You know what im not other people I wont say what you want to hear because I dont want anything from you! i fucking hate you! you mother fucker! Fuck you. fuck your fucking face bitch. all this fucking time. "Oh im never on. im not . im cooping" lying trash! liar... you deserve them. Now I cry for nothing... ignored. I should kill myself tonight just for feeling made a fool of.. Fucking whore.. you get upset cause im right. you say to stop but im right.. your a deciever.. i just.. i just wanted something more and you choose them.. over me? full of shit. i ALWAYS FUCKING fight for you you never!! do it for me! just. . . tell me when you wanna grow the fuck up.

Again, what have you illusioned yourself with? There hasn't been an us for over a year. There's been a you and me. I don't think there was really an us before we broke up. You keep saying I don't care about you, but how many times do you think you can say that before I don't? The only way to cope with talking to you is to be completely void of any emotion. I'm tired, and I can't stress that enough. Five years is my limit. Five years of taking blame and insults and thinking you were right... To think it took me so long to say enough is simply overwhelming, but I've read that above passage over and over and I feel nothing to read it. Nothing. So tell me, what should I feel?