Ghost

Day after day, she watches him. Her heart beats, skips, flips and jumps at the mere sight of him. Her lips betray her joy and even anger melts away. How she wanted to hold that rage. How she tried to bury the fragments of spite inside her heart, hoping the seeds would grow and spread just for her to dig them up and throw them away. He was laughing again. Was it a friend? Someone more? She paced around inside her head, listening, anxiety growing. Who did he talk to? What was he doing? Why was he so far away when the distance was only steps? She could get even closer. Be right in his arms, but feel so far apart. Her paranoia ate away the sanity. Did she even want to be sane anymore? This world didn't allow her to murder him. Jail wasn't her thing and he'd still be away. Nothing solved. . but at least he wouldn't be away with someone else. His attention wouldn't belong to someone else. It was supposed to be hers, so why was she alone? Why did he reach out to others instead? Where was the love she was told was hers? She hated them. She hated them so much. It burned every cell inside her. Why did they get everything that was supposed to be hers? Why was she fighting, begging and clawing for every piece of affection she could get from him? Terrible. The Little Queen dropped onto her stool and set her chin in her hand. Despicable. Her resentment was for herself. She had never needed anyone, so why should she need him? Why did she insist on chasing someone who wanted to be somewhere else? They were closer than they'd ever been and yet to him, she was nothing more than a ghost.

Future Memory

Here and now, I hear your voice, but it's like an echo from somewhere else. I see your face and I watch you move. I could reach out and I'd feel your skin and I'd know you're there, but it's like seeing a ghost and touching empty air. Here in this place we're together, but time is spinning around us and I'm watching you age, even though it's only been seconds. Those seconds to me are an eternity. They're a lifetimes worth of pain and joy; of success and failure. Then there's an emptiness. It's a place that you'll go to and I won't get to follow. It's a you that will exist that I'll never get to know. It's a life that lives beyond this eternity. Here and now I realize, this moment in which we exist, is only a future memory and the you that I've known is already gone.

In the tapestry of moments, here and now,

Your voice, an echo, a whisper somehow.

I see your face, a fleeting trace,

Time spins around, a transient space.

I reach out, touching empty air,

A ghostly presence, a silent affair.

In this place, we're together, entwined,

Yet, time ages you, a moment confined.

Seconds stretch, an eternity's span,

Pain and joy, the life of a man.

Success and failure, woven threads,

In the here and now, where time treads.

Then, an emptiness, a distant tomorrow,

A place you'll go, beyond my sorrow.

A life unknown, a you I can't follow,

A future memory, a bittersweet swallow.

Here and now, I realize the truth,

Moments we share, the eternal youth.

In this existence, a fleeting reverie,

A future memory, of you and me.

Poem is AI generated based off my text.

Leandra's Letters: Darling Liar

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say I love you. I wonder what would you do? I've already received your devotion; tch, how false. Your own love; no, no, lets not lie that much. Your attention; heh, impossible to keep. I read back on the things you said and now I wonder what of it is left in truth and what of it was forgotten in lies. You were mine, because I knew your heart, but you let it change without telling me. Now you act like all those others who spew out words, trying to weave elaborate stories of fiction as if that will somehow alleviate you of some guilt. You make excuses for your stories, saying this or that to cover your lies as best you can. You're like a child trying to hide your mess under the bed, but I see so clearly what's really there. You're tripping over your own make believe and turn a blind eye when it's shown to be so clearly under your feet; ignoring the issues that are actually there, but addressing the ones that do not matter as if that will divert attention. My darling boy, you are but a liar who should have his tongue cut from his mouth the way you've cut my trust of you from my heart.

It's not that I cared you took another into your embrace. No, sharing has never been my problem, but you're lying to me now and when I sought the truth you took half measures with the information you gave and then when you had satisfied what I needed to know you assumed that was the end of it, but I had to check on you, of course. It seemed to end so badly for you, how could I not worry over your heart? Taking care of the things that belong to me, that's not even a question. It's just something that is done. I was hopeful in thinking that we had grown past your error, but I discovered yet more half truths and withheld knowledge. You are no expert in deceit and I fear I must tell you, you have failed miserably, but even worse than that you have removed my romanticized vision of you and allowed me to see the despicable beast you've allowed yourself to become. No longer do I desire to own you as you do not deserve to be mine and considering I believe everything should belong to me, that's quite the feat to be unwanted.

Do you think I'm being unfair? I assume you might, but then I also can hear your voice in my ear saying that I'm right and a myriad of excuses as to why you're such a horrid person and that you had to lie, because you feared harming my feelings or somehow disappointing me. I can't help, but be curious as to how you thought this path you've chosen would prevent those things from happening? I never took you for a fool, but that is another thing about you that I obviously need to reconsider. Am I being to harsh? It's hard to tell. I personally think I'm curbing my tongue quite well, but I digress. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the fact that I will no longer be referring to you as mine as you are not worthy of such a thing and although I feel that it would be in my interest as a lady to give you well wishes and hopes for your happiness, I personally feel bitterly betrayed and hope your genitalia fall off so that you may live out your life as a eunuch.

All the worst, Leandra.

Love

"Anytime you think of pleasure you will think of me. I want every breath you take to be empty unless you're close enough to smell me. Every word you speak to be unimportant unless it's to me. Every sound you hear empty unless it's my voice. I want you to remember that whatever pleasure you have from now on, you'll have it from me." - Unknown

Live long enough and you'll eventually survive heartbreak or be destroyed by it and be reborn someone new. People always warn you against hatred and the way it can kill the goodness inside and around you, but they never tell you how much slower love twists that same embittered knife into your heart. Even worse for the way it lures you in with sweet promises and lies we believe, because we are so desperate to find that piece of happiness that always seems to elude us. That pain doesn't go away when we pull the knife free. It leaves  a scar to remind us of what it is to have and to lose it. But is it really better to have had and lost then to have never had at all, though? If I'd never loved before then maybe I would still feel like I was able to now. Or at least feel like I could be loved by someone else.

A Chocolate Heart.

This is a heart. It's a chocolate one and inside it's hollow, but in the very center is this warm gooey drop floating around in empty space. This drop cries out, but the emptiness is so vast that it's cries are little more then mewlings as all the sound is swallowed up. If someone listens real hard, though, they can hear that faint little call, but sweet as it is, it barely catches the ear and is forgotten as if it weren't really there. It's a lonely drop, but it hopes that one day someone will hear it and wonder if maybe there really was something there and that they'd go in search of it. Then it wouldn't have to be alone anymore inside of all the emptiness.

Snubbed

So, the other day I came across a photo on my FB feed. The picture was of a woman who's passion happens to be photography and modeling in her own and others pictures. Well in this specific one she states that she was bored and so this picture happened. It was a lovely picture as they all turn out to be. She's really quite talented, but it was the commentary that drew away from the art of the picture. One guy posted the comment that she was beautiful and thanks for the image snack. Now, I don't know about personal messages she got from this guy, but she went off on him. She told him that he shouldn't be flirting with her and that he knows she's in a relationship and if he can't respect that than he shouldn't be friends with her. Now, this lights up an argument with a completely different guy that didn't see what she was so upset about and what I don't see her being upset about either. She is beautiful, and sorry, but telling someone that doesn't always equal flirting. Everyone claims that his saying beautiful wasn't the target of her hostility. It was the image snack part. Now, as an aspiring photographer/model she knows that those types of comments are bound to happen. If she didn't want to risk someone making that kind of comment then she shouldn't do photography, but in my opinion, I think it stemmed from the fact she now has a boyfriend, because of that the rules seemed to suddenly change, because flirtatious comments like that weren't a problem before. Now, understandable as that may be, photography is not only for the one taking the photo, but for those that it's put out there to see. I don't see anything wrong in that guys comment. "Thanks for the image snack." It sounds weird, but for me translates to, this picture is awesome and thanks for sharing. He just had his own way of saying it, that others took offense to. The girls bf then goes on to say how proud he is of her for sticking up for their relationship, but all I see that she did was yell at a guy for saying that her photo was lovely. Kind of uncalled for to me. If the boyfriend has a problem with her chosen art form, because of the comments it can bring then she needs to work something out with him or make her photo's a little less for the public and more for herself.

That was just strike one for me. The second was when another girl commented about the picture being beautiful and then giving suggestions and ideas for what she'd like to see this girl do in future photography. She then added to her comment that if the girl had a problem with the guys comment that she could always unfriend/block him. The girl then yelled at this person as well, saying that she shouldn't give compliments with such a serious undertone, just to cover for wanting to comment about the argument over what the guy said. That was absolutely rude in my opinion. The model yelled at this girl who complimented her photography all over the fact she told her that if she didn't like what he had to say that she could block him. Sounds to me like this girl should calm down and stop yelling at people who enjoy her work. That's a good way to lose fans.

Sorry

So, there's this girl. She's kind of a brat and she's horrible at controlling her temper. When she's angry she just blurts things out even when she knows she shouldn't or when she'd rather say something else. Later she'll think about it and she'll want to apologize or go back and say what she didn't, but she finds it really hard to do that. You see, it's hard for her, being direct, with squishy emotional things. She doesn't exactly have any tact and the openness of it makes her edgy and rather volatile. She doesn't like it. Them. The squishiness.

So one day, she hurt someone's feelings, because she got angry. It was awkward for her later and she wasn't sure how to approach him. She cou.. should have just apologized, but instead she did what she tends to do when she feels discomforted. She withdrew and tried poking at the waters. She thought that she could make it up to him by simply being around and being good. She did know she hurt his feelings and she did care. She isn't so oblivious as to not know when she'd upset him. She knew from the way he didn't talk to her like he normally would. He just sat around in silence and when he did speak it was curt and cold nor did he reply when she said she loved him, but she thought if she was simply determined it would fix itself. No, it doesn't make sense, but her mind doesn't always work quite right. She was trying to make it better, just not in the way that would work. 

She'd been sad for days. Especially at night after she'd worn herself out of things during the day. She'd been crying a lot and she entirely sure why. She just hurt inside. She'd gone over a few reason's as to why that might have been. Her utter lack of belief in anything lasting being one of those things. Her worry that this guy was going to end up hating her. She knows she's been bad to him. All they did was argue when they did get the chance to talk. She didn't mean to argue with him. It just happened. Half the time she didn't even know why she was fighting with him. All she really wanted to do was curl up with him, but sometime, somehow, something happened and for her it felt like there was a wall between them. She couldn't feel that warmth from him that she once did. She didn't know if it was her or if it was him. He said a lot that he loved her and that she was most precious, but she couldn't feel it. She wondered a lot if that was part of the problem. Sometimes she'd feel a little spark of it here or there.. but more and more she just felt more distant from him. Again, she didn't know if she was doing it or if it was him. Of course it made her withdraw more in herself so after awhile she wasn't helping the situation. She'd be around him, but the way it felt, she might as well have been alone. He'd told her that relationships were give and take, but she didn't think either of them were getting what they wanted. She doubted he could be, because she knew she hadn't been giving much of anything. When he was gone, she missed him horribly. When he was with her, she was just angry. She still isn't sure why. She's contemplated it, but has no definite answer.

So yes, she was hurting and depressed and she went to him, because she wanted that warmth that he could give her, though rare it seemed to be. Instead of getting that, she got a cold shoulder. He says he hurt her, because he was hurt and that he'd hurt her again if she hurt him. She didn't understand that and still doesn't. All that registered for her in that was that unless things were great between them and she had him happy then she couldn't depend on him, because he'd simply lash out at her  to return whatever hurt she'd caused him be it intentionally or not. There was no in between about it. There was no, I'd try not to, but it might happen. No. He said specifically. If you hurt me I'm going to hurt you. Where's the safety in that, the security, she wondered? She had been hurt before, but that he had turned her away when she came to him and asked him for help, had cut deep. Even now she's struggling to come to terms with that. He apologized for the way he reacted to.. something. She can't even remember. She was to angry to hear him before, but in the back of her mind she knew she should have stopped for a moment and finally said she was sorry for losing her temper before, but she didn't, because she was angry again. Angry and hurt. She always acted as if she got over things quite easily, but she never let anything go and it had a way of festering. Every little nuance or bad word spoken between them. It had it's own little place in her mind and maybe that was why she had so much angst when it came to him. Why she no longer felt that warmth.

See, she doesn't feel good in his eyes and it's not just the bad things he's said to her, but the bad things she's done to him, those are possibly worse, because she blames herself for what he's said to her. She thinks that it's her fault and believes what he says. Even though a person might be one thing to themselves, how another person see's them, well, that's part of who they are as well, after all, it's hardest to know yourself. If he said she was a bitch then it was true to her. If he said she was uncaring. It was true. Every bad thing he said, she did, it just made her more defensive, distant, cold. It made her want to push him away, because she looked down at herself through him.  She's not saying that was the way he really saw her, but once the thoughts were there, they stuck. . and at some point he must have saw he those ways, because he said them. Not all, some were of her own thinking. The worse she treated him, the worse she saw herself, and the worse it would get. She did try to stop. Sometimes she'd try just stepping back and not controlling anything, but that didn't work out very well either.

She doesn't understand why he stayed around her. It was confusing. She was mean. He was unhappy with her all the time and yet he still said talking with her made him feel better. She wasn't sure why. She wasn't nice to him like she used to be. Despite her own feelings towards how she saw herself through him, she still believed that everything between them meant more to him then her and that also made her want to push him away. It was wrong to her that someone should feel more for her then she did them. She believes that she'll always end up disappointing that someone. That in the end she'll just hurt them. He said during this last fight that he didn't want a forever gf, but that confused her as well. What was it he wanted then? He wanted her to himself and had continuously told her they were dating and yet he now said he didn't want a forever gf. Did that mean that he had no plans of being with her in the future anyway? That wouldn't surprise her as she had never seen a future with anyone for herself. Yes, she said she loved him, but she also didn't believe that word meant to her what it did others. For her, it was merely a way of saying care. It didn't mean much more for her to say it to one person or the other. The word was rather empty in and of itself. . she had no meaning for it. It was a fairy tale. A friend had told her that she needed to create it for herself, before it could be real. She liked that idea, but I digress.

So she told him to go away. That she wouldn't regret it and could live without him. Of course that's true. She already had that lesson in life. It took her many years to figure out how to say goodbye to someone and then a few years more to figure out how to move past regret, but a lesson learned isn't always forgotten. It wasn't a remark about her feelings towards him, just a statement that she could move past the pain of losing someone close to her. She accepted long ago that nobody and nothing is a constant and that goodbye's are always going to be there. All she wanted was for him to understand that. She just wanted him to understand that. That she couldn't be that dedicated, loving person. As far as she knew, he wanted a future with her and she couldn't see one. Did that mean she didn't care about him? No. Did it mean she didn't want to be romantic with him? No.

So he went away. He came back, though. Which really surprised her, because as far as she had ever been able to tell he was far better than she was at ignoring someone as he could go a long time without responding t o her as has happened in the past. She didn't mean to fight with him again. She just wanted to be honest and let him know how badly what he had done hurt her. It broke something inside. And she knows that he was hurt and she knows that she wasn't in the right of anything, but none of that changes how she feels about his turning her away when she came to him for help. All she wanted was for him to know that couldn't just forgive him and go back to trusting him to be there when she needed him. She couldn't just get over it. He always said that problems don't fix themselves, you have to talk through them, but sometimes it's not talking that needs to be done. Sometimes talking doesn't bring the trust back. Sometimes it doesn't make the cold warm again. Sometimes other things are required. But yes, he came and a fight ensued. She knew that once he left again, his pride wouldn't let him come back a second time, nor would he risk having his heart ripped out, yet again., but she did want to try fixing things when he had first came to her. She just wanted him to know why it wouldn't just fix and that it wasn't going to. It needed time.

And so she told him a story that he already knew with some things that he didn't. Why is she telling him this story? Just so that he knows she's...

Letter To A Friend.. Number... ???

Well, I guess you aren't really a friend, but then you never were. You were just some guy that wanted to be with me. That wanted me to be with him. See, if we weren't being affectionate and caring we didn't talk at all. Weeks could pass without a word. It was always more to you then it was to me. Why shouldn't it have been? I knew how it would end. Perhaps it's that I was so set in that that it is why it did end that way, but hey, seems I was right. Now you're gone. Isn't it amazing the way someone can tell you that they love you and that you mean more to them then anything and then time passes and suddenly you don't seem to mean so much. Of course, when you notice little things, like the fact that they could go those weeks without speaking to you. Even days. Never a word, well then, can you say that you ever felt like you meant so much then?
Then again, love isn't something I really believe in. Maybe once, but I believed in that fairy tale kinda love and now I just think that love is the fairy tale. It just isn't real. Care, sure. The urge to be with someone and spend your time on them, because you enjoy it, but this love thing entirely eludes me. I had a friend tell me the other day that love is what you create. He said that it doesn't exist for me, because I haven't made it yet. In a way that makes sense, but the very idea of it still remains at the edge of my mind. I just don't get it. I can't see to the end of things, because all I see are the ends. I don't think things are meant to last and I don't believe in that one person for everyone. Maybe my thoughts have just become twisted by how much of a selfish world I believe we live in. Everyone wants what's best for them. What makes them happy. What satisfies their pride. . or whatever vice or righteous belief they have. If you do something, you do it for yourself, even if it's something to help someone else. Perhaps the least selfish of all people are those that give even when it makes them angry inside to do it. When the very thought of doing so embitters them, because even though they feel that bad inside to give what they do, they still do it. It's not like they get anything from it, but a sour mood.
Don't get me wrong. I understand pain. I understand want. I understand all the feelings that a person can go through and I'm not immune to them, I'm just not surprised when 'love' doesn't come to fruition. I'm not shocked when things end. I'm not dumbfounded by all the ways things can go wrong or that people lie or cheat or.. well, nothing really surprises me anymore. I started writing this with a tinge of pain in my heart and now I'm feeling void, because I don't understand why I was hurting. You're gone and I'm never going to hear from you again. I'm never going to laugh with you or play games with you or hear your voice or your thoughts. I don't know where you're going to end up in life. I don't know if you'll be happy or sad. I'll never know anything about you ever again. Yeah. That should sum up everything that should cause regret or hurt later on. I've put it out and now I can let it go. Does it make me heartless to be willing to let go, but I guess to really do so then I'd have to get over the thing I said I couldn't, but that would then make this pointless. So instead, I'll accept it as it is and let you have your goodbyes. Hope the next one works out better for you, because I already know where mine will end.

PS; The other side of things: o-o Fuck you. Who the hell intentionally hurts someone that they say is more precious to them then anything? I don't care what the reason is. Spite or just to teach them a lesson? What the fuck is wrong with you? Really? You had your feelings hurt because of a moody bitch fit and twisted that around and used it as a reason to purposefully hurt the feelings of someone that came crawling to you in hope of comfort, because you told them they could trust you. You told them that you'd protect them. Way to go. Liar. Are you surprised? I'm not. Ahem.. to reiterate this.. You INTENTIONALLY, that would be to do something with the known purpose of, yes, knowingly done, meant to happen, hurt their feelings. It wasn't just some emotional outburst. No, it was a cold, calculated decision. You hurt my feelings so now I'm going to kick you while your down. Oh, do you know why that person was hurt in the first place? Any idea? Even think to ask? Did you ever think that maybe someone close to them died? No, of course not. You didn't bother to even find out what had them crawling to you in the first place. Would you even care if that were the reason? Would you suddenly feel like an ass? Would you suddenly regret your decision? Mm.. That's a good question. Too bad the answer isn't worth anything. I, however, do feel some of those humanoid emotions drifting into the void now. ^^'

Silence

Words. Merely things passed between and used to twist reality; To tug upon the strings of conscience and desire. Emotions run ragged and self is torn to shreds with but a few words. With so little they can be used to tear relationships apart and destroy empires on a sigh of breath. The tongue is such a loose thing. A thoughtless weapon. Teasing, tantalizing, luring. A serpents trick. You try to stop, to hush it all. To drown the noise behind tight lips, but the words leak out. Drawn along by wanting ears eager to hear; to change your thoughts and spew the words back out along a knotted tongue.

Secreted Kisses

She was so calm and debonair compared to me. She always seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. She held herself with such composure that I couldn’t help, but stare in awe of her. Maybe I was even a little envious. So why was she staring at me like that? It made me uncomfortable the way she would watch me with that unwavering look of determination on her face. Such a fierce expression and yet I swore if I looked a little closer I could see something beyond that. A little crack in her armor, a spot of softness, maybe? How did she manage to make me into this bumbling, blushing fool? My heart shouldn’t be racing when I catch a glimpse of her. I shouldn’t feel disappointed when she walks by without a word or feel the joy that I do when she glances back. I shouldn’t be hoping that she’d stop and turn my way and yet I have to clasp my hands to stop from reaching out to brush her arm. I don’t understand why she pretends to not know me when she passes by, but when we’re alone she tells me that I am hers to keep. I know it’s wrong to let myself be kept as secret as the kiss she gives, but even in the dark she tastes so sweet.

Letters To A Friend 6

So, my sister is in surgery right now. The doctors are trying to stop the bleeding. It was unclear if they know what is wrong or not. They did say that they believed she was having twins, but one of them passed. Now I'm just waiting for my mom to call to hear what happens next. I don't really know how I feel on the matter. I'm pretty shielded from most things. It's like a block or something goes up in my brain that just stops me from.. I don't really want to say caring, but it's the closes thing I can think to it. I mean, in a way I guess I'm sad for the baby that died, but at the same time I really don't think that my sister needs another kid. Although, this pregnancy was for my uncle, not sure if he'd have taken them both either way.. I don't really think the kid would have had a stable and secure life.. I guess I find it cruel to bring someone into the world, but at the same time who is anyone to decide that someone else shouldn't have the chance to live? It can be a wonderful place, can't it? I mean, well, everything's pretty double sided. Sometimes the most wonderful thing is just to feel the warmth of the sun beating down on you and at the same time, it can become one of the worst feelings. There's a lot of things in life that makes a person not want to be around at times. It's hard to hold onto the good things. They always seem so fleeting in comparison to the misery that enters our lives, but it just seems that people focus on the things they dislike more than what they don't. I wonder why that is. Hm.. I guess I'm just indifferent and I think I'd rather remain that way right now. The alternative doesn't seem all that grand.

Letters To A Friend 5

How far gone was gone for us? I don't think back often. After awhile the memories just faded out on their own. I didn't need the pain of what they brought. Even the good ones hurt, because they made the bad ones worse. I'm trying to open myself back up to what's past in hopes that maybe I'll actually let it go and move past it rather then repress it. Three things stand out. I miss you. I'm angry, and it hurts. I could never see from your side so I can only speak from mine. I muted myself at the end of it all. I didn't say a lot, because I didn't feel like wasting breath and I didn't want the headache. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was done and just wanted it all to stop. I was tired of fighting and I was tired of making up. I was tired of the sweet things turning to rot and I was just tired of trying for a repeat cycle. You kept saying things could change and yet they never did. You said I needed to change, but you never acknowledged when I did and then when you finally got it, you said I'd turned into a bitch. Heartless. Cruel. Unkind. Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want me to stop being so nice? So forgiving? Hm.. I stopped forgiving and you said that it was just you. That I treated everyone else differently. That I forgave them. I'm not sure if forgiving is the right word, but I definitely let myself move past it as much as I was able. I don't want to hold onto things and let them embitter me, although I seem to have failed at this, I'm still trying. If you came back and we could actually be friends, if that chance was there, I'd take it.. But even when I was pleading with you to be your friend you wouldn't accept it. That wasn't good enough for you.

Everybody is the wronged when it involves more then one. That's what I've learned more than anything else in life. No matter how right you think you are in something, you're wrong to someone else. Maybe they hurt you, but you hurt them too. They angered you? Well, maybe you made them angry. They're incapable of emotions due to some strange brain wiring? Well, maybe they just don't get it. Either way, everybody is wronged and it is never right. Even when you win, you still lose.

Running

You can spend a lifetime running through shadows and never reach the sun. Spend a lifetime trying to find the truth in an elusive light and never know if it was real. Spend a lifetime chasing down that one thing that will make you feel like you've finally made it, but what do you do when you finish the race? What do you do when you catch the dream and find there's nothing left?

Letters To A Friend 4

So, it's been awhile, huh? For awhile there you were really gone. No, that's not quite right. I'm not sure you ever really were. Not from me, anyway. Just highly distanced and out of mind for as much as could be. I have these days where I miss you more then words could say and I get this urge to make contact again, but I always stop myself. I know I can't do that. It wouldn't be right, would it? It's hard to discern what the right thing is to do sometimes. I'm making this choice and saying it would be bad, but you, well, you haven't reached out either, so maybe you agree? I can't really know and even if I asked I'm not sure the answer would be for the question or even true. I'm skeptical like that, but I'm sure you know. Hell, you knew me better then anyone for a long time. I just really hate what it was you say you saw. I've developed a bit of a complex over that. Two completely opposing sides, but maybe that just proves how much you really knew. Then again, maybe not. After some time you just shut me out and went on and on about things off of your own issues.
How are you, I wonder? Are you doing any better? Are you still drowning yourself in booze and drugs? Did you finally head back to school? Gain any confidence? Find a little hope? Stop stressing over the world? Accept that you have friends? I wonder..
Anytime I think that I should give in and just see if things could be different between us, I go back to what our conversations became. To how angry you were. How numb I was. You would scream and I'd just shut it out. It didn't work for us, but I don't see me jumping head first and fighting you on it to have worked any better. I don't think anything would have made it better, honestly. Not even if everything was suddenly perfect. After all, there's a lot of things perfect hides. Like candy coated rot.
Do you still write? You really had a way with words. I've lost mine. Words seem bothersome now and they don't want to come out so much. I've basically quit. I kind of picked up drawing. I cheat a little. I'm impatient and lazy with it so I never come up with my own poses. I guess that's okay. I just do it to keep myself busy and I enjoy it.
Nostalgia. I had better get back to work.

XO <3 br="">

Best Friends Still Best

I still couldn't say all the things you mean to me. My words aren't so good anymore and I don't mean a lot of what I do. When I'm yelling and trying to fight, it's just anger with no where to go. I never wanted to lose you, but I think we're only holding by a thread. How much abuse can one person really take? How many apologies can be accepted before there's none left to give? How far can you push until you've pushed too far? How long can you be okay until you just aren't anymore? When is enough, enough to leave? All shields end up breaking in time and I haven't taken very good care of mine. If you could forgive everything I know you would, but I don't think you can. The hardest things to heal are the things caused by the ones you love most and I know I've done a lot of damage, but how could I not hurt someone so close to me when I'm busy hurting myself?

... This is stupid. I don''t know why I'm bothering with it. Writing is just a pain like everything else. Impossible anymore. It all all sounds retarded to me anyway. I just spent the last hour forcing myself to get all that out and it was pointless. Why bother saying crap like that? It's not like it matters to anyone or like anyone will ever get it. Just pointless.

Eh.

Stop

How do you walk away from something you don't want to leave? Something that you know would kill a piece of you inside to leave behind? But to stay is only to cause pain and destroy it even more slowly. Either way it's going to break, so why stay if doing so is only to watch it fall apart? It's hard to put back a puzzle that no longer fits and you can't force something that doesn't belong. I never wanted to learn to hate you, but how can I not when you make me hate myself? I wish you'd stop pretending. I don't need the lies and you don't need to live on memories.

Reminiscing

Mandlicht, eons have passed since the storm that is you first swept over my spirit yet joyfully I am ever lost in your current. Your name is my haven, your touch my heaven, your voice my earth, your eyes my sea. You are a firestorm, I am a forest. Consume me. I am summer, you are the sun. Make me real.  I am a jungle, you are the rain. Fill me. I am an angel, you are the maker. Only you can kill me now. I will not let them and when I go to war I go for you. Bless my spirit with yours. Amin mella lle. -Tia Teri-

Baby Monkies O.O

I had two dreams last night. Not sure which one came first. Anywho ^^ So in this one I had a baby girl. She was adorable, but the doctor said she had an iron deficiency and pulled out the thing of iron pills. I didn't think that made much sense so I asked him if I could just feed her foods with iron in it and he said no. She wasn't supposed to be eating food. >.>' Which really makes no sense 'cause I don't think she should be taking huge freaking pills personally.. but as I was saying.. I got all depressed about it and started walking back towards the car only to realize that I had left the baby back at the doctors office. I woke up as I was rushing back to go get her. Oddly enough, in the dream I was thinking to myself, "When the hell did I have a baby?"

The second dream had Tanya in it ^^ Haven't had a dream with her in awhile. I can't remember all the beginning details. We were playing dress up o__o Really cute clothes. I think they were white and pink. The shorts had all sorts of cute designs on them. Mostly of animals and rainbows I think.. >.> Shut up.. it was cute.. and it had a belt with a monkey buckle in the back and a tail that came off with a dangling monkey icon tied near the end of it. The rest of the outfit wasn't as memorable. They were actually her clothes we were going through. She had some really cute stuff. So she decides she wants to take pictures and I'm good with that, but she only wants to use the flash so makes the room really dark and now that I think about it o.o I think my little sister actually ended up walking through the room. Random. When the flash went off Tanya's face lit up like she had some glowey stuff on it x.x and her eyes glared white.. It was really, really creepy.. Reminded me of a demented clown. We only got two pictures off before I woke up. The second picture was of me chasing ball she'd thrown on all fours. o_o' It was... just plain weird.. The ball was red by the way. If that matters.

Conversation With Myself

Myself: So why won't you date them?
Me: They don't have what I'm looking for.
Myself: And what are you looking for?
Me: A fairytale.. and I know I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to hold my breath anyway.
Myself:: I guess some childhood dreams never die.
Me: Nah.. It's just that I had found it once and then I lost it. Ever since it seems like I've been chasing it down trying to find it again.

Dream

Had.. two dreams last night. I think it was two anyway, if not then it was one dream that switched in the middle. Either way in the first one there was this guy who I apparently was interested in and who was interested in me as well. He was somewhere near the pool that I was in. I actually ended up in the pool with my jacket on. I was trying to get it off as I jumped in, but didn't make it. Still got it off though. So I was swimming around for awhile and then Lonnie showed up. I guess he was upset about something. Either way him and this guy got in a "fight" of sorts. It was more like a verbal battle. Either way he ended up storming off and this upset me so I got out and chased him down, giving him a hug. He was all tense at first, but in the end he relaxed and hugged me back.
The second dream was about Gordon. I don't remember most of the details, but he was upset too. Not entirely sure about what, but he o__o tried choking my little sister. That was kinda weird. I finally got fed up with him and ended up attacking him actually. Well, not really trying to hurt him, just hold him down and make him listen to me. Mm.. Can't really remember much of this, but we ended up in a room sitting on different pieces of furniture and talking about.. something.. and spying on whoever was outside the window x.x'