Pretend

Would you mind if I took a moment to pretend you were mine? To say the things my heart longs to reveal? To show you the love you've made me feel? To share the secrets of thoughts that all include you? And would it be wrong to say I'd be okay with just that simple thought of such affection knowing we could never be? Could you fault me for wanting to have a time that is only ours without the interruption of others? To want to escape the pains of reality for a brief moment of solace? Or would you join me in this wonderfully woven illusion I've created for just us two?

Belief

Beyond words I could never speak and visions I could never see, there is a belief, a faith, that I could not reach. Tethered to this reality by unknown aggression and unvoiced hurt. I wonder at unanswered questions, but am I the one turning from the answers? Am I the one refusing to see what is so clear? Do I blind myself with the things I don't wish to accept? Do I close my ears to the things I'd rather not hear? But who are you to say what I should believe? Who are you to give answers you don't know? To show the things you've never seen. To speak what you've never really heard? If my belief or lack-there-of is such a crime what makes you think you're the one to judge?

Secrets

Everybody has them. Some more convoluted then others and yet sometimes the ones that seem so simple are the ones that cut the deepest. I have a secret that I'm dying to tell. I've never been good at keeping my own secrets. I've never been good at not giving the truth. The problem is.. If I were to tell him what new hell would it open? I've learned the pain of opening myself to the truth time and again and yet I've never learned.. There's something that keeps ringing in my head and I keep hearing myself answer, "Yeah.. except I've found someone like that every where I've gone." I know the pain the truth would cause.. and in knowing that would it be right to lead somebody to that type of hurt? or would it be better to let them go on living in bliss knowing that if they never learned what I knew they could keep what they have and be happy. If I were to tell, even if they chose not to believe me, that seed of doubt would still be there. Lingering. Festering.. into what though? Hatred? Spite? Betrayal? Confusion? I guess the truth isn't really mine to keep, but is it really mine to give? Is it not meant to be taken as it is and used by the hearer how he pleases? The silence is cold, but the truth would likely burn. I wrote, only once, about what I speak, but I never gave the words to the world to see. A couple people have.. One of them was close to the subject and even they skipped over the subtle hint. For some reason I feel that this is a truth better left buried for the dead.

Emotion and Thought

I've finally come to realize what I've been trying to for so long, ever since I started having my dreams of death. It was there before, I'm sure, this is just when it started to become apparent to me. This is around the time that I felt I was going numb.. Or thinking it, however one prefers to put it. Anyway, I keep writing about this Feeling that I've been seeking. I've expressed my want of it in many different pieces, but this is where I first brought it up..

"When I think of death I imagine an intense emotional release. Pure feeling and complete understanding. This may come from a variety of dreams I've had on the subject, because within my dreams my emotions are very overwhelming. At the same time, however, they are very clear. The emotion is perfectly understood without the confusion that many find in reality.Inside I feel lost and empty. I know something is missing and I connect my attitude towards death to this void. I keep searching for that one thing that will fill the hole yet it always seems to elude me. At first I thought it might be something that only another person could give me, but upon further analysis I have come to discover that what I'm searching for is an emotion. Some may say love, but I am not too sure of this. I doubt it is any one emotion in particular, but rather it is the strength of the emotion. I want to be consumed with the feeling. Leaving no space for anything else."

I now know why it is I am seeking this. I don't feel things like one imagines feeling as being. I know how an emotion is meant to feel and by understanding it and having had it programmed into me I react accordingly. The problem is, I'm not really feeling it on that emotional level. It's completely mental acknowledgment of it. The thoughts of this has been lingering between my sub-conscience and conscience and so has been difficult to grasp. It's taken me over a year of looking for these answers to get to the one I've come to. I can't say I'm completely absent of emotion.. I can compare it to feeling in shades of gray.. or being bogged down by a fog.. Heavily muted. It's more logically based. The feelings just aren't strong enough. Figuring this out has explained a lot of the things I do that I didn't understand before. With every action I am trying to grasp hold of these emotions, but they keep eluding me. They never stay and I'm left with that same old empty ache.

I read an article on Logic and Emotion the other night and it helped explain some things to me. This part really stood out to me..

"Next mentioned is how emotions and feelings are just harder to identify then thoughts, and that therefore emotions and feelings are really thoughts themselves, or vice versa. If all thought is really emotion, and all emotion really thought, then all intelligence could vary and be dependent on emotions. This is further evidenced by the statement “thus once you find out what is causing the emotion it is no longer an emotion, but it is a thought”. That shows how an emotion is a thought that you just aren’t identifying. It is just a matter of definition of the terms. Thought is concrete things which are real in the world, and emotion is something that you feel but can’t visualize. So therefore intelligence is just the ability to do things which are real, versus feeling something, which isn’t as “real” as thoughts are." http://cnx.org/content/m14310/latest

From this, I take it, that emotion is sub-conscience while thought is conscience. So.. it's basically saying that you "feel" an emotion towards something you don't quite understand, but once you figure out why it is then it becomes a thought.. So logically you know the feeling is there, but it's not as strong as the feeling originally was? Or do you no longer feel it at all? Or is it just through the thought of knowing the feeling that you still relate to the emotion?

I still have a lot of questions that I don't have answered, but this is a start.

Kicked

It seems the more I get kicked down the less I want to get up. I just want to lay there and stare up past the faces looking down and find somewhere of my own.

As You Are

There has always been a word or two I've left unsaid. A spiteful or biting remark I've left behind. I can never find the expression of care or gratitude until you're already gone and then when I find you again the hurt comes flooding back with new venom. For once I'd like to tell you in words untainted that I never want to see you fall. I may not be there to catch you and even if I were I don't know if I could.. I'm not sure I'd want to. You wanted an angel. Instead you found where demons hide and monsters lurk. I wanted to tell you that I want to see you grow. That I want to watch you become everything you thought you never could be. That I want you to hold onto your dreams, because that hope helps keep you alive. That I want to see you take hold of deaths hand and bring it to it's knees. I want to see you conquer fear and work it for yourself. I want to see you as the man I see behind the mortal facade. I never want to see you lose to the monsters you create.. or the ones you attract. I wanted to tell you all this and more, but I could never find the words. I'd always find others. Words less.. kind.. Words of wanting and desire and greed. I tell you dark things, but how long has it been since I've told you something light? How long has it been since I've simply told you, I love you?

Phantom Lover

He existed somewhere she could always reach him yet could never feel him. A place where they could exist yet never be real. Where they could share every moment yet never be a part of it. A world for two. Him and her.

She saw him in perfection, without a flaw. The best friend. The perfect lover. Every action, word and feeling. He was her shelter. Her shield. Her protector. The hands that guarded her heart. The voice that gave her words. The arms that held her when she was going to fall. The shoulder burdened by her tears. The other half that made her whole. He was everything, but real. The phantom lover of her dreams. Yet she would chase him through worlds, because without him she'd be lost. Exposed. Defenseless. There would be nothing there to hold her heart as the pieces fell apart. No words to say. No arms to keep her on her feet and nothing to catch her tears. She'd be incomplete, because even though he didn't exist in her world he was more real to her then the reality she lived. <3