Heartless

Still you curse me for all the mistakes I made and yet I can't seem to say a bad thing in your name. It wouldn't feel right. I wouldnt feel right. The hate and abuse you throw my way.. I can't tell if it's real or just the way you found to cope. Either way it's not something I deserve. I loved you the best I could. the only way I knew. It wasnt my fault that things changed. I can't be your everything. I cant be your angel.. your healer.. your shoulder.. I can't even be your friend. Things were good at one time.. werent they? They must have been. I wonder when things changed. When did love turn to bitch and whore. When did it become wrong to have another friend. what did I do that was so bad that all you see is a monster. Or maybe its not me you see at all. Maybe its you. How could you possibly love someone when you despise yourself so much? when you treat yourself so badly how could you hope to treat someone else any better. After awhile it just became repetition without feeling. I can be the frigid one if thats what it takes.. because I would rather you think me heartless then let you tear my heart to shreds.

Nothing Special

She said it was alright, she meant every word. He could lie, because it was fine. It wasn't real. He could say he loved her and that she was the only one, but she knew the truth was never so true. She just wanted to hear him say, to hear him say those words. So tell her you adore her. Tell her you care. Make her feel like she's something special. Make her believe that fake is real, because tomorrow she'll be gone again and you'll be with someone new.

Wolf Dream

In this dream, I don't remember what was going on before this train came racing across the tracks or what I was doing at the time exactly, I just know that it exploded and I went flying down the side of a snowy mountain. I ended up getting stuck in a cranny though and all these wolves came flying down as well, either getting hung by their legs or whatever else. They were trained to hunt and kill, but I can't remember who their target was. I had steaks in my bag so I threw one at each of them. After that the dream skipped and people were talking, about what I can't remember. I just know everyone thought I was dead. I can't remember why, but I ended up showing myself to my sister, Candice, she was talking to me, I don't know if I responded. I had adopted the way of the wolves so I was usually crouched down and growled a lot. When Brandice started to come over and I heard her I took off. That's when Angie seen me running and she chased after me into the deserty area, but it wasn't entirely desert. She caught up to me at this building tucked into a corner of the terrain. There was a woman here who watched over me and the wolves. Their were two pups and a male. The pups came out to greet and play with me, but when Angie came over they ducked back a bit and started growling at her. I don't believe I was actually speaking to her, but I was growling as well, the words made sense to me though. That's when the woman came out and started to talk to her, explaining to her about my condition and everything. I don't remember what she did to cause it, I think she scared one of the pups maybe, but they both jumped at her as well as me, growling and snarling angrily and that's when the male came up behind her biting on the right side of her neck. I acted quickly enough so that he didn't do to much damage. Her neck was only partially covered in blood, but it was covered up. I know that the wolf man wasn't like the other animals, he had his own intelligence to him like that of a humans. He'd shown me, in a vision of sorts, what he wanted and that was to become a human, in the vision I'd even briefly seen what he'd look like. He'd been working on figuring out how to do that for some time. He was my lover in the dream and I wanted to help him get what he wanted. I do recall that he was dark and heavily furred around his neck.

Give and Take

A good reason to never want anything from anyone or to take all appreciation from the "gift". People give, because they say they want to. It makes them happy. They do it, because they love or care about you, but in truth it's just another noose waiting to hang you. People expect things back for what they give and whether or not they take it from your gratitude or your blood and tears doesn't really seem to make a difference as long as they have that leverage. Its just one more thing to throw back in your face at the end of it all and one more reason to make cynics out of believers.

Memory

Its been many years since I've closed my heart to love, yet still a memory remains. It's the last beautiful thing in my life and I hope this finds you well. Yours was the way of the warrior while mine was of love, but now that I no longer have that, what path is left to me? Should I too take up a weapon and forge a trail through blood? Or should I bow my head and let others fight while my memory fades from this place? It is much uglier for the things I've lost. The things I crave and the things I fear are lost to this world.

Dream

Last nights dream had me freaking out, because I was pregnant. The dream started out in one place that I can't quite remember. I recall sand and water and fighting, but the most of what I remember was inside a building/house. It seemed like it was worlds away from the other place and that I was hiding. There were a couple of adorable little puppies. The third was really scared of me and ran away when I tried petting it. The other two were vying for my attention. Eventually they fell asleep o.O in a paper bag for whatever reason. After that I got up and was going to go lay down. My mom was there. There's some blanks here. Someone was sweeping out a large store closet. My mom was there. She was the one talking to me about being pregnant and needing to decide what to do. I kept thinking about how much easier life would be if I didn't have the baby and about the people I knew and then about wanting to keep the baby because it was mine and I wanted to know how it would feel to hold it in my arms. I ended up on a kitchen floor crying to myself.

Uncertain

There are so many things one can say to ensnare another's heart. So many lies spoken in moments of desire and need. So many ways to turn love to hate. It all starts with a thought. A promise. An idea of something more that eventually deteriorates into less than what was hoped for. Hushed words spoken to longing hearts about a life of forever, but forever doesn't always exist in a world full of uncertainty.