Secreted Kisses

She was so calm and debonair compared to me. She always seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. She held herself with such composure that I couldn’t help, but stare in awe of her. Maybe I was even a little envious. So why was she staring at me like that? It made me uncomfortable the way she would watch me with that unwavering look of determination on her face. Such a fierce expression and yet I swore if I looked a little closer I could see something beyond that. A little crack in her armor, a spot of softness, maybe? How did she manage to make me into this bumbling, blushing fool? My heart shouldn’t be racing when I catch a glimpse of her. I shouldn’t feel disappointed when she walks by without a word or feel the joy that I do when she glances back. I shouldn’t be hoping that she’d stop and turn my way and yet I have to clasp my hands to stop from reaching out to brush her arm. I don’t understand why she pretends to not know me when she passes by, but when we’re alone she tells me that I am hers to keep. I know it’s wrong to let myself be kept as secret as the kiss she gives, but even in the dark she tastes so sweet.

Letters To A Friend 6

So, my sister is in surgery right now. The doctors are trying to stop the bleeding. It was unclear if they know what is wrong or not. They did say that they believed she was having twins, but one of them passed. Now I'm just waiting for my mom to call to hear what happens next. I don't really know how I feel on the matter. I'm pretty shielded from most things. It's like a block or something goes up in my brain that just stops me from.. I don't really want to say caring, but it's the closes thing I can think to it. I mean, in a way I guess I'm sad for the baby that died, but at the same time I really don't think that my sister needs another kid. Although, this pregnancy was for my uncle, not sure if he'd have taken them both either way.. I don't really think the kid would have had a stable and secure life.. I guess I find it cruel to bring someone into the world, but at the same time who is anyone to decide that someone else shouldn't have the chance to live? It can be a wonderful place, can't it? I mean, well, everything's pretty double sided. Sometimes the most wonderful thing is just to feel the warmth of the sun beating down on you and at the same time, it can become one of the worst feelings. There's a lot of things in life that makes a person not want to be around at times. It's hard to hold onto the good things. They always seem so fleeting in comparison to the misery that enters our lives, but it just seems that people focus on the things they dislike more than what they don't. I wonder why that is. Hm.. I guess I'm just indifferent and I think I'd rather remain that way right now. The alternative doesn't seem all that grand.

Letters To A Friend 5

How far gone was gone for us? I don't think back often. After awhile the memories just faded out on their own. I didn't need the pain of what they brought. Even the good ones hurt, because they made the bad ones worse. I'm trying to open myself back up to what's past in hopes that maybe I'll actually let it go and move past it rather then repress it. Three things stand out. I miss you. I'm angry, and it hurts. I could never see from your side so I can only speak from mine. I muted myself at the end of it all. I didn't say a lot, because I didn't feel like wasting breath and I didn't want the headache. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was done and just wanted it all to stop. I was tired of fighting and I was tired of making up. I was tired of the sweet things turning to rot and I was just tired of trying for a repeat cycle. You kept saying things could change and yet they never did. You said I needed to change, but you never acknowledged when I did and then when you finally got it, you said I'd turned into a bitch. Heartless. Cruel. Unkind. Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want me to stop being so nice? So forgiving? Hm.. I stopped forgiving and you said that it was just you. That I treated everyone else differently. That I forgave them. I'm not sure if forgiving is the right word, but I definitely let myself move past it as much as I was able. I don't want to hold onto things and let them embitter me, although I seem to have failed at this, I'm still trying. If you came back and we could actually be friends, if that chance was there, I'd take it.. But even when I was pleading with you to be your friend you wouldn't accept it. That wasn't good enough for you.

Everybody is the wronged when it involves more then one. That's what I've learned more than anything else in life. No matter how right you think you are in something, you're wrong to someone else. Maybe they hurt you, but you hurt them too. They angered you? Well, maybe you made them angry. They're incapable of emotions due to some strange brain wiring? Well, maybe they just don't get it. Either way, everybody is wronged and it is never right. Even when you win, you still lose.

Running

You can spend a lifetime running through shadows and never reach the sun. Spend a lifetime trying to find the truth in an elusive light and never know if it was real. Spend a lifetime chasing down that one thing that will make you feel like you've finally made it, but what do you do when you finish the race? What do you do when you catch the dream and find there's nothing left?

Letters To A Friend 4

So, it's been awhile, huh? For awhile there you were really gone. No, that's not quite right. I'm not sure you ever really were. Not from me, anyway. Just highly distanced and out of mind for as much as could be. I have these days where I miss you more then words could say and I get this urge to make contact again, but I always stop myself. I know I can't do that. It wouldn't be right, would it? It's hard to discern what the right thing is to do sometimes. I'm making this choice and saying it would be bad, but you, well, you haven't reached out either, so maybe you agree? I can't really know and even if I asked I'm not sure the answer would be for the question or even true. I'm skeptical like that, but I'm sure you know. Hell, you knew me better then anyone for a long time. I just really hate what it was you say you saw. I've developed a bit of a complex over that. Two completely opposing sides, but maybe that just proves how much you really knew. Then again, maybe not. After some time you just shut me out and went on and on about things off of your own issues.
How are you, I wonder? Are you doing any better? Are you still drowning yourself in booze and drugs? Did you finally head back to school? Gain any confidence? Find a little hope? Stop stressing over the world? Accept that you have friends? I wonder..
Anytime I think that I should give in and just see if things could be different between us, I go back to what our conversations became. To how angry you were. How numb I was. You would scream and I'd just shut it out. It didn't work for us, but I don't see me jumping head first and fighting you on it to have worked any better. I don't think anything would have made it better, honestly. Not even if everything was suddenly perfect. After all, there's a lot of things perfect hides. Like candy coated rot.
Do you still write? You really had a way with words. I've lost mine. Words seem bothersome now and they don't want to come out so much. I've basically quit. I kind of picked up drawing. I cheat a little. I'm impatient and lazy with it so I never come up with my own poses. I guess that's okay. I just do it to keep myself busy and I enjoy it.
Nostalgia. I had better get back to work.

XO <3 br="">

Best Friends Still Best

I still couldn't say all the things you mean to me. My words aren't so good anymore and I don't mean a lot of what I do. When I'm yelling and trying to fight, it's just anger with no where to go. I never wanted to lose you, but I think we're only holding by a thread. How much abuse can one person really take? How many apologies can be accepted before there's none left to give? How far can you push until you've pushed too far? How long can you be okay until you just aren't anymore? When is enough, enough to leave? All shields end up breaking in time and I haven't taken very good care of mine. If you could forgive everything I know you would, but I don't think you can. The hardest things to heal are the things caused by the ones you love most and I know I've done a lot of damage, but how could I not hurt someone so close to me when I'm busy hurting myself?

... This is stupid. I don''t know why I'm bothering with it. Writing is just a pain like everything else. Impossible anymore. It all all sounds retarded to me anyway. I just spent the last hour forcing myself to get all that out and it was pointless. Why bother saying crap like that? It's not like it matters to anyone or like anyone will ever get it. Just pointless.

Eh.

Stop

How do you walk away from something you don't want to leave? Something that you know would kill a piece of you inside to leave behind? But to stay is only to cause pain and destroy it even more slowly. Either way it's going to break, so why stay if doing so is only to watch it fall apart? It's hard to put back a puzzle that no longer fits and you can't force something that doesn't belong. I never wanted to learn to hate you, but how can I not when you make me hate myself? I wish you'd stop pretending. I don't need the lies and you don't need to live on memories.