I still couldn't say all the things you mean to me. My words aren't so good anymore and I don't mean a lot of what I do. When I'm yelling and trying to fight, it's just anger with no where to go. I never wanted to lose you, but I think we're only holding by a thread. How much abuse can one person really take? How many apologies can be accepted before there's none left to give? How far can you push until you've pushed too far? How long can you be okay until you just aren't anymore? When is enough, enough to leave? All shields end up breaking in time and I haven't taken very good care of mine. If you could forgive everything I know you would, but I don't think you can. The hardest things to heal are the things caused by the ones you love most and I know I've done a lot of damage, but how could I not hurt someone so close to me when I'm busy hurting myself?
... This is stupid. I don''t know why I'm bothering with it. Writing is just a pain like everything else. Impossible anymore. It all all sounds retarded to me anyway. I just spent the last hour forcing myself to get all that out and it was pointless. Why bother saying crap like that? It's not like it matters to anyone or like anyone will ever get it. Just pointless.
Eh.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Friday, August 31, 2012
Stop
How do you walk away from something you don't want to leave? Something that you know would kill a piece of you inside to leave behind? But to stay is only to cause pain and destroy it even more slowly. Either way it's going to break, so why stay if doing so is only to watch it fall apart? It's hard to put back a puzzle that no longer fits and you can't force something that doesn't belong. I never wanted to learn to hate you, but how can I not when you make me hate myself? I wish you'd stop pretending. I don't need the lies and you don't need to live on memories.
Reminiscing
Mandlicht, eons have passed since the storm that is you first swept over my spirit yet joyfully I am ever lost in your current. Your name is my haven, your touch my heaven, your voice my earth, your eyes my sea. You are a firestorm, I am a forest. Consume me. I am summer, you are the sun. Make me real. I am a jungle, you are the rain. Fill me. I am an angel, you are the maker. Only you can kill me now. I will not let them and when I go to war I go for you. Bless my spirit with yours. Amin mella lle. -Tia Teri-
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Baby Monkies O.O
I had two dreams last night. Not sure which one came first. Anywho ^^ So in this one I had a baby girl. She was adorable, but the doctor said she had an iron deficiency and pulled out the thing of iron pills. I didn't think that made much sense so I asked him if I could just feed her foods with iron in it and he said no. She wasn't supposed to be eating food. >.>' Which really makes no sense 'cause I don't think she should be taking huge freaking pills personally.. but as I was saying.. I got all depressed about it and started walking back towards the car only to realize that I had left the baby back at the doctors office. I woke up as I was rushing back to go get her. Oddly enough, in the dream I was thinking to myself, "When the hell did I have a baby?"
The second dream had Tanya in it ^^ Haven't had a dream with her in awhile. I can't remember all the beginning details. We were playing dress up o__o Really cute clothes. I think they were white and pink. The shorts had all sorts of cute designs on them. Mostly of animals and rainbows I think.. >.> Shut up.. it was cute.. and it had a belt with a monkey buckle in the back and a tail that came off with a dangling monkey icon tied near the end of it. The rest of the outfit wasn't as memorable. They were actually her clothes we were going through. She had some really cute stuff. So she decides she wants to take pictures and I'm good with that, but she only wants to use the flash so makes the room really dark and now that I think about it o.o I think my little sister actually ended up walking through the room. Random. When the flash went off Tanya's face lit up like she had some glowey stuff on it x.x and her eyes glared white.. It was really, really creepy.. Reminded me of a demented clown. We only got two pictures off before I woke up. The second picture was of me chasing ball she'd thrown on all fours. o_o' It was... just plain weird.. The ball was red by the way. If that matters.
The second dream had Tanya in it ^^ Haven't had a dream with her in awhile. I can't remember all the beginning details. We were playing dress up o__o Really cute clothes. I think they were white and pink. The shorts had all sorts of cute designs on them. Mostly of animals and rainbows I think.. >.> Shut up.. it was cute.. and it had a belt with a monkey buckle in the back and a tail that came off with a dangling monkey icon tied near the end of it. The rest of the outfit wasn't as memorable. They were actually her clothes we were going through. She had some really cute stuff. So she decides she wants to take pictures and I'm good with that, but she only wants to use the flash so makes the room really dark and now that I think about it o.o I think my little sister actually ended up walking through the room. Random. When the flash went off Tanya's face lit up like she had some glowey stuff on it x.x and her eyes glared white.. It was really, really creepy.. Reminded me of a demented clown. We only got two pictures off before I woke up. The second picture was of me chasing ball she'd thrown on all fours. o_o' It was... just plain weird.. The ball was red by the way. If that matters.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Conversation With Myself
Myself: So why won't you date them?
Me: They don't have what I'm looking for.
Myself: And what are you looking for?
Me: A fairytale.. and I know I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to hold my breath anyway.
Myself:: I guess some childhood dreams never die.
Me: Nah.. It's just that I had found it once and then I lost it. Ever since it seems like I've been chasing it down trying to find it again.
Me: They don't have what I'm looking for.
Myself: And what are you looking for?
Me: A fairytale.. and I know I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to hold my breath anyway.
Myself:: I guess some childhood dreams never die.
Me: Nah.. It's just that I had found it once and then I lost it. Ever since it seems like I've been chasing it down trying to find it again.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Dream
Had.. two dreams last night. I think it was two anyway, if not then it was one dream that switched in the middle. Either way in the first one there was this guy who I apparently was interested in and who was interested in me as well. He was somewhere near the pool that I was in. I actually ended up in the pool with my jacket on. I was trying to get it off as I jumped in, but didn't make it. Still got it off though. So I was swimming around for awhile and then Lonnie showed up. I guess he was upset about something. Either way him and this guy got in a "fight" of sorts. It was more like a verbal battle. Either way he ended up storming off and this upset me so I got out and chased him down, giving him a hug. He was all tense at first, but in the end he relaxed and hugged me back.
The second dream was about Gordon. I don't remember most of the details, but he was upset too. Not entirely sure about what, but he o__o tried choking my little sister. That was kinda weird. I finally got fed up with him and ended up attacking him actually. Well, not really trying to hurt him, just hold him down and make him listen to me. Mm.. Can't really remember much of this, but we ended up in a room sitting on different pieces of furniture and talking about.. something.. and spying on whoever was outside the window x.x'
The second dream was about Gordon. I don't remember most of the details, but he was upset too. Not entirely sure about what, but he o__o tried choking my little sister. That was kinda weird. I finally got fed up with him and ended up attacking him actually. Well, not really trying to hurt him, just hold him down and make him listen to me. Mm.. Can't really remember much of this, but we ended up in a room sitting on different pieces of furniture and talking about.. something.. and spying on whoever was outside the window x.x'
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Dreams
So I've been pretty bad about putting my dreams down lately. I've had three that I can remember, even if not in perfect detail. The first one was about a crocodile that was trying to eat me. I was standing on top of a fridge and the damn thing nearly got me. It could jump really high. I climbed from there into the attic and followed it to the other side of the house near the front door. The croc got up there as I was dropping down to the floor. I ran out the front door and towards a car. Anji was there and I remember Dawndra's son Legion was there as well. Anji almost left him behind. I remember being like "Wtf?" To her.
The next dream was of a boa constrictor who was trying to kill me. This dream seems familiar to me. I think I had it before. There were separate rooms in the building and they would fill with water. This helped the boa move around and get to more victims. It killed a few people. Luckily I wasn't one of them.
The last dream had me in a Serengeti setting. The rain gave it a bit of a swampish appearance in places where there were more trees. There were cheetahs everywhere and I was trying to navigate my way through the area without getting attacked or eaten. I came close to running in to them multiple times, but always managed to avoid contact. They'd jump towards me, or snarl, but never attacked. One cheetah came closer to doing so then the others. It had started to rush me and I had turned around and snarled at it, half crouched, neutralizing it in a show of dominance.After that I ran and strangely, there was a door that left the Serengeti and to another place. Here I was with a bunch of people and we were doing adventuring, but I can't remember what happened.
Dream Points involving the Crocodile:
The crocodile in a dream, if wild, represents a new beginning or change in your waking life. It is also a warning and can indicate danger of some sort. The crocodile can also reflect how you feel inside about others. It could be saying that it is time to take back your independence. If you decide not to attack the animal then seeing this creature is associated with the capability to survive in difficult situations, but can also stand for wasted potential.
I wasn't trying to attack the crocodile. I was running from it, so assuming the crocodile is representing my feelings about someone it could be saying that I'm being threatened by someone in my life and need to get away from them.
Dream Points involving the Boa:
Dreaming of the boa is about the same as dreaming of the devil, it indicates stormy times and much bad fortune. Disenchantment with humanity will follow. It also represents feelings of being emotionally suffocated or restricted. Alternatively, it represents repressed sexual urges or hidden enjoyment of sex.
I had the crocodile dream awhile ago, but this one was last night. I know I have sexually repressed urges and hidden enjoyment. I do feel emotionally suffocated/restricted a lot, but I wish I could understand more specifics of this. Like, why the boa was trying to kill me? And what it meant that it killed those around me? Maybe I'm letting my emotional hang-ups kill my relationships with other people? Even though the boa was out to kill me, it never seemed to try very hard. It was mostly just me running, but I could feel the hostile intent from it.
Dream Points involving the Cheetah
To see a cheetah in your dream, suggests that you need to get moving and be more active in pursuit of your goals.
I suppose this one is pretty self-explanatory. I didn't just have one cheetah, but a bunch of them and in a way it did feel like they were herding me. When I went to far in the Serengeti is when I started running into more and more of them and getting turned back around. The one thing that really stood out was the confrontation with the one cheetah. It was chasing me and I turned to face it, bringing us to a momentary standstill before running. It didn't chase me when I ran away.
The next dream was of a boa constrictor who was trying to kill me. This dream seems familiar to me. I think I had it before. There were separate rooms in the building and they would fill with water. This helped the boa move around and get to more victims. It killed a few people. Luckily I wasn't one of them.
The last dream had me in a Serengeti setting. The rain gave it a bit of a swampish appearance in places where there were more trees. There were cheetahs everywhere and I was trying to navigate my way through the area without getting attacked or eaten. I came close to running in to them multiple times, but always managed to avoid contact. They'd jump towards me, or snarl, but never attacked. One cheetah came closer to doing so then the others. It had started to rush me and I had turned around and snarled at it, half crouched, neutralizing it in a show of dominance.After that I ran and strangely, there was a door that left the Serengeti and to another place. Here I was with a bunch of people and we were doing adventuring, but I can't remember what happened.
Dream Points involving the Crocodile:
The crocodile in a dream, if wild, represents a new beginning or change in your waking life. It is also a warning and can indicate danger of some sort. The crocodile can also reflect how you feel inside about others. It could be saying that it is time to take back your independence. If you decide not to attack the animal then seeing this creature is associated with the capability to survive in difficult situations, but can also stand for wasted potential.
I wasn't trying to attack the crocodile. I was running from it, so assuming the crocodile is representing my feelings about someone it could be saying that I'm being threatened by someone in my life and need to get away from them.
Dream Points involving the Boa:
Dreaming of the boa is about the same as dreaming of the devil, it indicates stormy times and much bad fortune. Disenchantment with humanity will follow. It also represents feelings of being emotionally suffocated or restricted. Alternatively, it represents repressed sexual urges or hidden enjoyment of sex.
I had the crocodile dream awhile ago, but this one was last night. I know I have sexually repressed urges and hidden enjoyment. I do feel emotionally suffocated/restricted a lot, but I wish I could understand more specifics of this. Like, why the boa was trying to kill me? And what it meant that it killed those around me? Maybe I'm letting my emotional hang-ups kill my relationships with other people? Even though the boa was out to kill me, it never seemed to try very hard. It was mostly just me running, but I could feel the hostile intent from it.
Dream Points involving the Cheetah
To see a cheetah in your dream, suggests that you need to get moving and be more active in pursuit of your goals.
I suppose this one is pretty self-explanatory. I didn't just have one cheetah, but a bunch of them and in a way it did feel like they were herding me. When I went to far in the Serengeti is when I started running into more and more of them and getting turned back around. The one thing that really stood out was the confrontation with the one cheetah. It was chasing me and I turned to face it, bringing us to a momentary standstill before running. It didn't chase me when I ran away.
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