Fuck You

Do you feel the pain of your words? Feel the hurt that you conjure in someone elses already aching heart? Do you ever look past your own gluttonous mind, you self-addicted fucking bastard? No, you'll never understand the things you pretend to. Who knew love could turn such a tender heart full of hate. Fuck your pleading, your nonchalance and your self-righteous love. Just give up this game, because you're playing alone. And when you're sitting high up on your throne I hope you take the time to look back and suffer for what you thought was right, because right will never be there like I was. Never try to hold you up when you're falling down and sure as hell never love you like I did. But for the sake of your pride and your twisted little pity needs we'll say you're right and let it eat you away inside, because "Sorry" seems to be all you need to say, but sorry doesn't make it all okay. Sorry doesn't take away the hurt of insult, after insult or the lies you used to hide from the one you supposedly cared for more then yourself. Sorry will never be enough to heal the wounds you've inflicted and it will never bring back the feelings that once were there. And for all the things I've left unsaid, I'd just like to say Fuck You, because that about sums up everything you've left me to feel.

Meh Best Friend

Should I tell you all the things you truly mean to me? I fear the repercussions of what that may cause. Some things are better left without words to spit curses upon them. I fight against feelings and try to rationalize the why's and what if's. I fear endings almost as much as I do beginnings. I fear the loss of the one person who always seems to be there even when sense probably tells them not to be. I create excuses and reasons to avoid being put in that situation and act like it means little when you say what's going on in your heart, but never tell you my own in truth. Instead I give sad smiles and nod, wishing I could share the little things. I fear where they would lead. I don't think I want to go down that path and lose what I've found. I feel like I owe you though. I think you deserve to know.. I love you.

You're a part of me. You've engraved yourself into my essence without ever having to cross physical boundaries. You're the one I turn to when I feel weak. Lost. Hurt. The one I depend on for guidance and honesty. The one who I trust with my darker secrets, because I know somehow you'll find acceptance of who I am. What I've done. There have been times I've allowed myself to fold into your embrace and forget the world outside and just take in the moment. To fall into the urge to take you away to our own world where everyone else's pain would fade away and we could forget our own. I've wanted to be your shield, but I've always used you as mine instead.. And I've mistreated you so..

I'll always be the first to say, "She's not good enough for you." and I'll mean it every time. I'll always say, "Never settle for less then what you're willing to accept." I'll fail at times, but I'll always try to regain my lost footing and fix what I wrong. I never want to see you falter and fall. Never want to see you give up and let go. I want you to keep dreaming, because someone needs to keep that hope alive. I want you to let your soul fly to the places your body can't go. I want to see the impossible come true through your eyes. I want you to become everything you ever thought you could never be, but I never want to lose you as you are to me.

It is possible to love and not be together and be two and yet still be one.

void

She took things. She didn't give. She didn't know how. Ever since her first taste of receiving she had become a glutton. She desired more. She wanted more. She couldn't be satisfied with a little. Every piece of happiness she found she destroyed with her craving. She was insatiable. She was a void of nothing, but what she took from others. She was alone in a world that only fed her hunger, but never satisfied. A world that ignored the pain by giving more and more, but never healing the wounds that caused her to bleed out. She wasn't even sure that that chasm could ever be filled.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: All he could do is give. That's all he ever really wanted...to give, and hopefully receive...no, not receive, as noone ever truly even allowed him to give. It would only be so long till he gives all he could. If only he could get back, but...he never did. He gave, and gave, 'till even his own desires were warped...From naught but giving, he created his own inner void...

LaniKat: And though she watched as he slowly sunk into his own good nature she could do nothing, but continue to feed off that which he gave so willingly. She knew he suffered and she ached for the pain she fed in his heart, but she couldn't stop herself. She could never stop. Not for her pain. Not even his. Instead she tore the void wider and together they became lost in an infinite loop of giving and taking with nothing between.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: He didn't really care, though...he was happy to give to someone who'd receive...an eternal darkness is always more bearable with a companion...even though she were a unrequited glutton, leeching away at every drop of himself, all he could feel was satisfaction in providing substance to someone...something...Her pain, Her pleasure, Her satisfaction...his so-called "Void" because his new-found "Paradise"...

LaniKat: Even though she continued to take from him she couldn't fill that hole. That pain. That gnawing emptiness that stole away her very being. The person that she was until she was little more then a shell. She'd accept his comfort, his touch, his "love" but she'd be left craving more until she smothered him beneath her overwhelming need. Use him as she needed and go on to another only to come back for more. No matter what it may be as long as it was hers.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: Retreat, return, retreat, return...it only made him lust for her desire. It only empowered his resolve to give her it all, because she'd always return for more, and he'd always provide what she desired...Would he be satsfied if she stayed? Not even he knows, really...but seeing her as often as he did was truly the highlight...

LaniKat: And though he happily accepted her with open arms this acceptance only caused her to ache more. To need more. To try and drown out her sorrow in his affection to no avail. Feeling condemned by unspoken words and spiteful emotion that is sure to hide beneath the surface. She longed to run, but her feet always brought her back to the same place so that she could continue to try and bury herself within another's love.

Illusions

You can pretend if you wish. Believe it is true. What's it matter if nothing is real? Put up your barricade. Your mirage. Weave your lies and watch them grow. Tell the world it's true even when it's false. Make me trust in what you say then turn me away. I'll act the part I was given to play, but just try to see what's going on beneath the lie. I'll hide the secret of this burden and pretend it's all okay even though you'll never know the pain I hold. This world is only make believe so lets just take it as it is.. A wonderfully misplaced illusion.

Shame (Sat. Oct. 2. 2010)

Tell me you understand so I can tell you you're wrong. Give your comfort, your pity, your lies of everything's alright. The hatred is nothing beneath the shame. Such a simple word yet so hard to say. Forgiveness can be given, but never accepted. Why I cannot say. I don't understand. How can purity live beneath filth? An angel that never was can never fall so why am I lying at your feet? Is my humility not enough? No, I've been beaten to the point that even knowing so doesn't change what is. I can never be anyone other then me, but how I despise this woman that I am.

Heh (Sat. Oct. 2, 2010)

There's an indescribable pain in my chest. It's centered at my solar plexus. It's not really physical.. Or I don't think. It feels like an emotional squeeze. A sudden wave of depression that brings pain and makes me want to cry, but I can't even get my eyes to water. Somehow I think if I cry the pain will go away. I know what I want that would probably make me cry.. I can't really expect that though and can't say it would really make me feel better. Running away seems like a good idea too. There's something I'm supposed to write and I suppose I should do that.. I'm not sure what to make it now though.. Baka.. Gomenasai.

Rambling Thoughts (Thurs. Sept. 30th)

It's rare that I just write out my thoughts. I prefer them to be written with hidden meaning. I like them complex. Convoluted. Tonight though, I just want to write. I was happy earlier. Was floating on a cloud of white. I got lost, but I was okay, because I knew I'd find my way back to where it was I was going. I got there though and then I was sad. The traveling to always seem grand, but the destination never is. I feel like I'm standing on unstable ground and it's making me antsy. Any sort of tie is bad in this situation. I feel like a wave being pushed and pulled and if someone were to ask what I want I'd have to say I honestly don't know,other then for it to stop. I just want to breathe. I'm so tired of feeling suffocated, but that feeling won't go away. There's this little voice nagging at me. It's speaking of cages and traps. Strangulation, drowning, suffocating. The loss of air, movement, freedom. I'm sick of being asked how I feel when I know I'll just say I'm fine. Smile. Pretend. I dunno. Do you ever feel like your thoughts are incomplete? Or break apart? I do. It's confusing, because it makes me forget why a lot. I think my mind likes to wipe itself blank then reanalyze everything. That's bad. It's conclusions are always different. My hearts just as fickle. I really need to find someone to confide in. Someone I can trust. Who won't judge. Who understands. Who I can tell absolutely everything. Even the dark thoughts I don't want to tell myself. Corby's the only one that even slightly meets the standards. (sorry Lon and others but I know you all judge.) He does understand the demons inside. The self-loathing. The hatred. The intensity. there's so much I want to tell. Everything actually. Oh yes, but who could handle the truth? Pfft. So many would say them, but how wrong they are. How I'd love to be an angel. Though perhaps a demon would be more suiting. Ah, perhaps a succubus who feeds on emotion rather than sexual intercourse. I think I ponder too much on other peoples thoughts and feelings and not enough on my own. But I do so love hearing everyone else s inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, I should talk to John. He's always trying to figure me out. His own little puzzlebox. I'd hate to leave him bored though. hehh.. Penny for your thoughts anyone? The one's that linger beneath the surface? No? Oh well.