Letter To A Friend.. Number... ???

Well, I guess you aren't really a friend, but then you never were. You were just some guy that wanted to be with me. That wanted me to be with him. See, if we weren't being affectionate and caring we didn't talk at all. Weeks could pass without a word. It was always more to you then it was to me. Why shouldn't it have been? I knew how it would end. Perhaps it's that I was so set in that that it is why it did end that way, but hey, seems I was right. Now you're gone. Isn't it amazing the way someone can tell you that they love you and that you mean more to them then anything and then time passes and suddenly you don't seem to mean so much. Of course, when you notice little things, like the fact that they could go those weeks without speaking to you. Even days. Never a word, well then, can you say that you ever felt like you meant so much then?
Then again, love isn't something I really believe in. Maybe once, but I believed in that fairy tale kinda love and now I just think that love is the fairy tale. It just isn't real. Care, sure. The urge to be with someone and spend your time on them, because you enjoy it, but this love thing entirely eludes me. I had a friend tell me the other day that love is what you create. He said that it doesn't exist for me, because I haven't made it yet. In a way that makes sense, but the very idea of it still remains at the edge of my mind. I just don't get it. I can't see to the end of things, because all I see are the ends. I don't think things are meant to last and I don't believe in that one person for everyone. Maybe my thoughts have just become twisted by how much of a selfish world I believe we live in. Everyone wants what's best for them. What makes them happy. What satisfies their pride. . or whatever vice or righteous belief they have. If you do something, you do it for yourself, even if it's something to help someone else. Perhaps the least selfish of all people are those that give even when it makes them angry inside to do it. When the very thought of doing so embitters them, because even though they feel that bad inside to give what they do, they still do it. It's not like they get anything from it, but a sour mood.
Don't get me wrong. I understand pain. I understand want. I understand all the feelings that a person can go through and I'm not immune to them, I'm just not surprised when 'love' doesn't come to fruition. I'm not shocked when things end. I'm not dumbfounded by all the ways things can go wrong or that people lie or cheat or.. well, nothing really surprises me anymore. I started writing this with a tinge of pain in my heart and now I'm feeling void, because I don't understand why I was hurting. You're gone and I'm never going to hear from you again. I'm never going to laugh with you or play games with you or hear your voice or your thoughts. I don't know where you're going to end up in life. I don't know if you'll be happy or sad. I'll never know anything about you ever again. Yeah. That should sum up everything that should cause regret or hurt later on. I've put it out and now I can let it go. Does it make me heartless to be willing to let go, but I guess to really do so then I'd have to get over the thing I said I couldn't, but that would then make this pointless. So instead, I'll accept it as it is and let you have your goodbyes. Hope the next one works out better for you, because I already know where mine will end.

PS; The other side of things: o-o Fuck you. Who the hell intentionally hurts someone that they say is more precious to them then anything? I don't care what the reason is. Spite or just to teach them a lesson? What the fuck is wrong with you? Really? You had your feelings hurt because of a moody bitch fit and twisted that around and used it as a reason to purposefully hurt the feelings of someone that came crawling to you in hope of comfort, because you told them they could trust you. You told them that you'd protect them. Way to go. Liar. Are you surprised? I'm not. Ahem.. to reiterate this.. You INTENTIONALLY, that would be to do something with the known purpose of, yes, knowingly done, meant to happen, hurt their feelings. It wasn't just some emotional outburst. No, it was a cold, calculated decision. You hurt my feelings so now I'm going to kick you while your down. Oh, do you know why that person was hurt in the first place? Any idea? Even think to ask? Did you ever think that maybe someone close to them died? No, of course not. You didn't bother to even find out what had them crawling to you in the first place. Would you even care if that were the reason? Would you suddenly feel like an ass? Would you suddenly regret your decision? Mm.. That's a good question. Too bad the answer isn't worth anything. I, however, do feel some of those humanoid emotions drifting into the void now. ^^'

Silence

Words. Merely things passed between and used to twist reality; To tug upon the strings of conscience and desire. Emotions run ragged and self is torn to shreds with but a few words. With so little they can be used to tear relationships apart and destroy empires on a sigh of breath. The tongue is such a loose thing. A thoughtless weapon. Teasing, tantalizing, luring. A serpents trick. You try to stop, to hush it all. To drown the noise behind tight lips, but the words leak out. Drawn along by wanting ears eager to hear; to change your thoughts and spew the words back out along a knotted tongue.

Secreted Kisses

She was so calm and debonair compared to me. She always seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. She held herself with such composure that I couldn’t help, but stare in awe of her. Maybe I was even a little envious. So why was she staring at me like that? It made me uncomfortable the way she would watch me with that unwavering look of determination on her face. Such a fierce expression and yet I swore if I looked a little closer I could see something beyond that. A little crack in her armor, a spot of softness, maybe? How did she manage to make me into this bumbling, blushing fool? My heart shouldn’t be racing when I catch a glimpse of her. I shouldn’t feel disappointed when she walks by without a word or feel the joy that I do when she glances back. I shouldn’t be hoping that she’d stop and turn my way and yet I have to clasp my hands to stop from reaching out to brush her arm. I don’t understand why she pretends to not know me when she passes by, but when we’re alone she tells me that I am hers to keep. I know it’s wrong to let myself be kept as secret as the kiss she gives, but even in the dark she tastes so sweet.

Letters To A Friend 6

So, my sister is in surgery right now. The doctors are trying to stop the bleeding. It was unclear if they know what is wrong or not. They did say that they believed she was having twins, but one of them passed. Now I'm just waiting for my mom to call to hear what happens next. I don't really know how I feel on the matter. I'm pretty shielded from most things. It's like a block or something goes up in my brain that just stops me from.. I don't really want to say caring, but it's the closes thing I can think to it. I mean, in a way I guess I'm sad for the baby that died, but at the same time I really don't think that my sister needs another kid. Although, this pregnancy was for my uncle, not sure if he'd have taken them both either way.. I don't really think the kid would have had a stable and secure life.. I guess I find it cruel to bring someone into the world, but at the same time who is anyone to decide that someone else shouldn't have the chance to live? It can be a wonderful place, can't it? I mean, well, everything's pretty double sided. Sometimes the most wonderful thing is just to feel the warmth of the sun beating down on you and at the same time, it can become one of the worst feelings. There's a lot of things in life that makes a person not want to be around at times. It's hard to hold onto the good things. They always seem so fleeting in comparison to the misery that enters our lives, but it just seems that people focus on the things they dislike more than what they don't. I wonder why that is. Hm.. I guess I'm just indifferent and I think I'd rather remain that way right now. The alternative doesn't seem all that grand.

Letters To A Friend 5

How far gone was gone for us? I don't think back often. After awhile the memories just faded out on their own. I didn't need the pain of what they brought. Even the good ones hurt, because they made the bad ones worse. I'm trying to open myself back up to what's past in hopes that maybe I'll actually let it go and move past it rather then repress it. Three things stand out. I miss you. I'm angry, and it hurts. I could never see from your side so I can only speak from mine. I muted myself at the end of it all. I didn't say a lot, because I didn't feel like wasting breath and I didn't want the headache. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was done and just wanted it all to stop. I was tired of fighting and I was tired of making up. I was tired of the sweet things turning to rot and I was just tired of trying for a repeat cycle. You kept saying things could change and yet they never did. You said I needed to change, but you never acknowledged when I did and then when you finally got it, you said I'd turned into a bitch. Heartless. Cruel. Unkind. Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want me to stop being so nice? So forgiving? Hm.. I stopped forgiving and you said that it was just you. That I treated everyone else differently. That I forgave them. I'm not sure if forgiving is the right word, but I definitely let myself move past it as much as I was able. I don't want to hold onto things and let them embitter me, although I seem to have failed at this, I'm still trying. If you came back and we could actually be friends, if that chance was there, I'd take it.. But even when I was pleading with you to be your friend you wouldn't accept it. That wasn't good enough for you.

Everybody is the wronged when it involves more then one. That's what I've learned more than anything else in life. No matter how right you think you are in something, you're wrong to someone else. Maybe they hurt you, but you hurt them too. They angered you? Well, maybe you made them angry. They're incapable of emotions due to some strange brain wiring? Well, maybe they just don't get it. Either way, everybody is wronged and it is never right. Even when you win, you still lose.

Running

You can spend a lifetime running through shadows and never reach the sun. Spend a lifetime trying to find the truth in an elusive light and never know if it was real. Spend a lifetime chasing down that one thing that will make you feel like you've finally made it, but what do you do when you finish the race? What do you do when you catch the dream and find there's nothing left?

Letters To A Friend 4

So, it's been awhile, huh? For awhile there you were really gone. No, that's not quite right. I'm not sure you ever really were. Not from me, anyway. Just highly distanced and out of mind for as much as could be. I have these days where I miss you more then words could say and I get this urge to make contact again, but I always stop myself. I know I can't do that. It wouldn't be right, would it? It's hard to discern what the right thing is to do sometimes. I'm making this choice and saying it would be bad, but you, well, you haven't reached out either, so maybe you agree? I can't really know and even if I asked I'm not sure the answer would be for the question or even true. I'm skeptical like that, but I'm sure you know. Hell, you knew me better then anyone for a long time. I just really hate what it was you say you saw. I've developed a bit of a complex over that. Two completely opposing sides, but maybe that just proves how much you really knew. Then again, maybe not. After some time you just shut me out and went on and on about things off of your own issues.
How are you, I wonder? Are you doing any better? Are you still drowning yourself in booze and drugs? Did you finally head back to school? Gain any confidence? Find a little hope? Stop stressing over the world? Accept that you have friends? I wonder..
Anytime I think that I should give in and just see if things could be different between us, I go back to what our conversations became. To how angry you were. How numb I was. You would scream and I'd just shut it out. It didn't work for us, but I don't see me jumping head first and fighting you on it to have worked any better. I don't think anything would have made it better, honestly. Not even if everything was suddenly perfect. After all, there's a lot of things perfect hides. Like candy coated rot.
Do you still write? You really had a way with words. I've lost mine. Words seem bothersome now and they don't want to come out so much. I've basically quit. I kind of picked up drawing. I cheat a little. I'm impatient and lazy with it so I never come up with my own poses. I guess that's okay. I just do it to keep myself busy and I enjoy it.
Nostalgia. I had better get back to work.

XO <3 br="">