Paranoia

It starts with a simple seed of doubt and then as it grows your reality begins to fray at the edges. Just a little at first and then a little more. It claws and tears at your mind whispering evil words to make you seem insane. Telling lies you would never have believed before. Turning happy to sad and love to hate. Destroying all reason and leaving a path of chaotic waste in its wake.

.. That seed had grown full bloom in her mind. So paranoid of other peoples confession.. Of their feelings.. She could take the littlest thing to heart and it would eat away at her until she was convinced it was all a lie. That they would change their mind. That they would leave .. Then again .. They usually do.

Rambling Stuff

I've been trying to figure out what to write for the last hour and I can't seem to grasp a hold of anything. So perhaps I'll just ramble. Everything I begin writing falls apart, because I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. Honestly, I just want to push everybody away from me. I'm so tired.. So very, very tired.. No, not sleepy. I'm just tired of caring. I don't want to care anymore. This is the hardest time I've ever had trying to pretend I'm happy. I suppose after so long of doing it, it's becoming too much. Oh, don't worry, I'll get over it. I always do, but right now, this feeling or lack of feeling is quite strong. I'm drifting between numb and utterly depressed. Oh, and to top it off I've been insulted by utter human indecency. -.- I'd really, really appreciate it if people would stop asking me for "pics" It's disgusting and pisses me off.. Anyway.. I'm really quite fine I suppose. I can't quite say. I guess I'm still waiting.. Waiting for what exactly? It's really sad when there's only one person you want to talk to and you can't. Of course, it's not like I can ever think of these things when it gets to the point I can talk.. What do I want to talk about? Life. Dreams. Death. Anger. Love. Paranoia. Pain. Abuse. Beauty. Friendship. Paranormal. Everything basically. On a side note n.nS I feel emotionally self-destructive, but that won't stop me ^-^ Nothing will ever stop me from smiling and being happy. Why? Because there isn't a single person or thing that has the right to take that from me without me giving it willingly. I don't care how many times I get pushed down.. I'm always going to get back up.. I'm always going to be here.. Waiting.. Just.. waiting..

Maybe

..I'm doing this wrong? Why don't you all just tell me what will make you happy so I can just do it rather then trip over my own feet while attempting to. I act one way, you get upset. I act the other way, you still get upset. I don't get it. Just make up your mind already. I mean, I could just do the completely distant thing and hold people at arms length. Nobody seems to like that much though, but of course if I'm all friendly and overly perky it's only acceptable if it's towards "you" and "you" alone. What? I'm not allowed to be friends with multiple people? I'm not allowed to give over the net hugs and share kind words and maybe give someone a bit of attention without someone else freaking out and jumping to assumptions or jealous thoughts? Newsflash people o__o I don't belong to any of you... And if a complete outsider to the situation is looking at things without me telling them anything and saying they think I'm being treated like an object x.x then I must say... Something is wrong.. I guess.. I don't much mind to much of being treated that way o__o but didn't your parents ever teach you to share? A person can have more then one friend you know.. Oh and they can even be of the opposite gender and guess what.. that doesn't mean there's something all secret-like going on. Hey, they can even like or adore the person and something still might not be going on. Assumptions are bad for everyone's health and relationships involved.

I love making people smile and happy and it might come as a surprise to the majority of you, but I actually do care about peoples feelings and just them in general. Sometimes though, I like to take care of myself and how I feel.. Let me worry about the guilt and self-loathing later. I can deal with that on my own, but really, just let me have my damn moment ze.e It would be much appreciated.. After that I'll go back to painting smiles on your faces and nursing your emotions with band-aids. Mmk?

Also.. If you want to know something or have something you think would be good to tell me or just plain have some thought about me you'd like to get off your chest or even if you don't want to o___o I'm a big girl and I can take it.. I can handle it you know.. It's not like I'm going to go all mental on you.. Sheesh.. If you haven't noticed by now I'm not exactly the type of person to hold a grudge or get mad.. Hell, I get over everything and can forgive anything.. However, I can't do anything about "you" if "you" don't tell me.

Sidenote: Not speaking about anyone in general.

Burning

I am an angel without wings and a halo long gone.
An angel of lost faith and convictions gone wrong.
I am an angel self-cast into fire without a hope for redemption.
An angel of both filth and sin and no salvation
I am an angel that has fallen to a demons desire
An angel without truth, a selfish liar

I feel the taint creeping over my skin. My self-inflicted contamination. I couldn't help the words I spoke or the ways that I felt, but I know I only tied this noose tighter. I'll hang myself with the words and feelings I've spun and in turn suffocate on the sin I've wrought. I seek no forgiveness and wish not to repent. I simply want to feel the fire wash over the wounds of my fate as I falter on the steps of destiny. I need no hand to offer me the way as I can fall just as well on my own. I took my chance to fly and carved the wings from my back with every lie I told. Fear not, for I feel no pain as I so willingly sought to burn in your demons embrace.

Lost Words

Normally I don't find it so hard to write when I get in one of my moods, but now you keep coming along and I find myself unable to write like I normally do. The words keep getting stuck. Caught by these feelings of warmth and the want to write happy thoughts even when I feel sick. The words of hatred, disgust and.. and.. lol.. See? I can't even recall the words I use to write about. Oh, I think lies and anger. Yes, those are them. You seem to have stolen my spiteful and depressing words and now I'm baffled on what to write. I have never been one to write happy things. Even when I write of love and adoration there has always been a lying undertone of sorrow. I can't even seem to reach that. I know all these feelings and thoughts are still with me, I just can't reach them for the happiness I've been caught up in. So now I'm wondering if I should write about these things while I think I can or do I wait for old words to come back?

All The Same

Everything's the same as it was before. Nothing has changed from all the times we've said it would. The only difference now is that the feelings are no longer there. The emotions have come and gone, but the fighting remains. Do you even wonder why? Why do we keep yelling and why keep on lying? Why keep pretending when pretending isn't even fun anymore? Why bother saying things will get better or even act as though we care? Why try fixing the wounds we worked so hard to inflict? And why say we didn't mean it when we know every word was what we meant and there's never a single word we regret? I guess these questions don't really mean anything to me. In the end the only one that I'd like to actually know is, why can't I leave this hell and why won't you let me go?

Again

I did it again, like every time before. I've torn open a new wound and I can't help but wonder now, how many are actually from me? To say I'm sorry sounds so cliche and without meaning anymore. I guess you were right, like every time before, my dream really is a foolish and impossible one. How could I ever be an angel when I can't even be a shield? No, I suppose I've always been more like a double edged sword. Keeping away other pain just to create my own. I think I would be pretty satisfied with simply being a ghost and watch rather then being a part of anything. I've debated and struggled a lot with my own inner conflicts, but the line is beginning to blur and I'm not seeing so much of a difference anymore. Maybe I should have confided, but it seems so much more personal then the other things I mention. It would be so easy to lay back and let the demons take reign, but if this is what you think now, I can only imagine what you'd think then.

Fooled

Do you think you can play me and get off as though you were the one all along? Do you think that a promise made is not to be shattered by another promise broken? Did you think I would be okay with you stealing away the only moment that I had? Just because I care about your feelings does not give you the right to walk all over mine. I'm as entitled to my emotions as you are to yours, so do not try playing me for a fool. You should have just let it be and let me enjoy the time I created for him and I.

Obviously.. Still not happy about having my secrecy blown. I was enjoying myself greatly before you came along to stick your nose where it doesn't belong and then you have the gall to lie repeatedly to me and try pretending to be me? Seriously? ze.e!! RAGE

Pretend

Would you mind if I took a moment to pretend you were mine? To say the things my heart longs to reveal? To show you the love you've made me feel? To share the secrets of thoughts that all include you? And would it be wrong to say I'd be okay with just that simple thought of such affection knowing we could never be? Could you fault me for wanting to have a time that is only ours without the interruption of others? To want to escape the pains of reality for a brief moment of solace? Or would you join me in this wonderfully woven illusion I've created for just us two?

Belief

Beyond words I could never speak and visions I could never see, there is a belief, a faith, that I could not reach. Tethered to this reality by unknown aggression and unvoiced hurt. I wonder at unanswered questions, but am I the one turning from the answers? Am I the one refusing to see what is so clear? Do I blind myself with the things I don't wish to accept? Do I close my ears to the things I'd rather not hear? But who are you to say what I should believe? Who are you to give answers you don't know? To show the things you've never seen. To speak what you've never really heard? If my belief or lack-there-of is such a crime what makes you think you're the one to judge?

Secrets

Everybody has them. Some more convoluted then others and yet sometimes the ones that seem so simple are the ones that cut the deepest. I have a secret that I'm dying to tell. I've never been good at keeping my own secrets. I've never been good at not giving the truth. The problem is.. If I were to tell him what new hell would it open? I've learned the pain of opening myself to the truth time and again and yet I've never learned.. There's something that keeps ringing in my head and I keep hearing myself answer, "Yeah.. except I've found someone like that every where I've gone." I know the pain the truth would cause.. and in knowing that would it be right to lead somebody to that type of hurt? or would it be better to let them go on living in bliss knowing that if they never learned what I knew they could keep what they have and be happy. If I were to tell, even if they chose not to believe me, that seed of doubt would still be there. Lingering. Festering.. into what though? Hatred? Spite? Betrayal? Confusion? I guess the truth isn't really mine to keep, but is it really mine to give? Is it not meant to be taken as it is and used by the hearer how he pleases? The silence is cold, but the truth would likely burn. I wrote, only once, about what I speak, but I never gave the words to the world to see. A couple people have.. One of them was close to the subject and even they skipped over the subtle hint. For some reason I feel that this is a truth better left buried for the dead.

Emotion and Thought

I've finally come to realize what I've been trying to for so long, ever since I started having my dreams of death. It was there before, I'm sure, this is just when it started to become apparent to me. This is around the time that I felt I was going numb.. Or thinking it, however one prefers to put it. Anyway, I keep writing about this Feeling that I've been seeking. I've expressed my want of it in many different pieces, but this is where I first brought it up..

"When I think of death I imagine an intense emotional release. Pure feeling and complete understanding. This may come from a variety of dreams I've had on the subject, because within my dreams my emotions are very overwhelming. At the same time, however, they are very clear. The emotion is perfectly understood without the confusion that many find in reality.Inside I feel lost and empty. I know something is missing and I connect my attitude towards death to this void. I keep searching for that one thing that will fill the hole yet it always seems to elude me. At first I thought it might be something that only another person could give me, but upon further analysis I have come to discover that what I'm searching for is an emotion. Some may say love, but I am not too sure of this. I doubt it is any one emotion in particular, but rather it is the strength of the emotion. I want to be consumed with the feeling. Leaving no space for anything else."

I now know why it is I am seeking this. I don't feel things like one imagines feeling as being. I know how an emotion is meant to feel and by understanding it and having had it programmed into me I react accordingly. The problem is, I'm not really feeling it on that emotional level. It's completely mental acknowledgment of it. The thoughts of this has been lingering between my sub-conscience and conscience and so has been difficult to grasp. It's taken me over a year of looking for these answers to get to the one I've come to. I can't say I'm completely absent of emotion.. I can compare it to feeling in shades of gray.. or being bogged down by a fog.. Heavily muted. It's more logically based. The feelings just aren't strong enough. Figuring this out has explained a lot of the things I do that I didn't understand before. With every action I am trying to grasp hold of these emotions, but they keep eluding me. They never stay and I'm left with that same old empty ache.

I read an article on Logic and Emotion the other night and it helped explain some things to me. This part really stood out to me..

"Next mentioned is how emotions and feelings are just harder to identify then thoughts, and that therefore emotions and feelings are really thoughts themselves, or vice versa. If all thought is really emotion, and all emotion really thought, then all intelligence could vary and be dependent on emotions. This is further evidenced by the statement “thus once you find out what is causing the emotion it is no longer an emotion, but it is a thought”. That shows how an emotion is a thought that you just aren’t identifying. It is just a matter of definition of the terms. Thought is concrete things which are real in the world, and emotion is something that you feel but can’t visualize. So therefore intelligence is just the ability to do things which are real, versus feeling something, which isn’t as “real” as thoughts are." http://cnx.org/content/m14310/latest

From this, I take it, that emotion is sub-conscience while thought is conscience. So.. it's basically saying that you "feel" an emotion towards something you don't quite understand, but once you figure out why it is then it becomes a thought.. So logically you know the feeling is there, but it's not as strong as the feeling originally was? Or do you no longer feel it at all? Or is it just through the thought of knowing the feeling that you still relate to the emotion?

I still have a lot of questions that I don't have answered, but this is a start.

Kicked

It seems the more I get kicked down the less I want to get up. I just want to lay there and stare up past the faces looking down and find somewhere of my own.

As You Are

There has always been a word or two I've left unsaid. A spiteful or biting remark I've left behind. I can never find the expression of care or gratitude until you're already gone and then when I find you again the hurt comes flooding back with new venom. For once I'd like to tell you in words untainted that I never want to see you fall. I may not be there to catch you and even if I were I don't know if I could.. I'm not sure I'd want to. You wanted an angel. Instead you found where demons hide and monsters lurk. I wanted to tell you that I want to see you grow. That I want to watch you become everything you thought you never could be. That I want you to hold onto your dreams, because that hope helps keep you alive. That I want to see you take hold of deaths hand and bring it to it's knees. I want to see you conquer fear and work it for yourself. I want to see you as the man I see behind the mortal facade. I never want to see you lose to the monsters you create.. or the ones you attract. I wanted to tell you all this and more, but I could never find the words. I'd always find others. Words less.. kind.. Words of wanting and desire and greed. I tell you dark things, but how long has it been since I've told you something light? How long has it been since I've simply told you, I love you?

Phantom Lover

He existed somewhere she could always reach him yet could never feel him. A place where they could exist yet never be real. Where they could share every moment yet never be a part of it. A world for two. Him and her.

She saw him in perfection, without a flaw. The best friend. The perfect lover. Every action, word and feeling. He was her shelter. Her shield. Her protector. The hands that guarded her heart. The voice that gave her words. The arms that held her when she was going to fall. The shoulder burdened by her tears. The other half that made her whole. He was everything, but real. The phantom lover of her dreams. Yet she would chase him through worlds, because without him she'd be lost. Exposed. Defenseless. There would be nothing there to hold her heart as the pieces fell apart. No words to say. No arms to keep her on her feet and nothing to catch her tears. She'd be incomplete, because even though he didn't exist in her world he was more real to her then the reality she lived. <3

Fuck You

Do you feel the pain of your words? Feel the hurt that you conjure in someone elses already aching heart? Do you ever look past your own gluttonous mind, you self-addicted fucking bastard? No, you'll never understand the things you pretend to. Who knew love could turn such a tender heart full of hate. Fuck your pleading, your nonchalance and your self-righteous love. Just give up this game, because you're playing alone. And when you're sitting high up on your throne I hope you take the time to look back and suffer for what you thought was right, because right will never be there like I was. Never try to hold you up when you're falling down and sure as hell never love you like I did. But for the sake of your pride and your twisted little pity needs we'll say you're right and let it eat you away inside, because "Sorry" seems to be all you need to say, but sorry doesn't make it all okay. Sorry doesn't take away the hurt of insult, after insult or the lies you used to hide from the one you supposedly cared for more then yourself. Sorry will never be enough to heal the wounds you've inflicted and it will never bring back the feelings that once were there. And for all the things I've left unsaid, I'd just like to say Fuck You, because that about sums up everything you've left me to feel.

Meh Best Friend

Should I tell you all the things you truly mean to me? I fear the repercussions of what that may cause. Some things are better left without words to spit curses upon them. I fight against feelings and try to rationalize the why's and what if's. I fear endings almost as much as I do beginnings. I fear the loss of the one person who always seems to be there even when sense probably tells them not to be. I create excuses and reasons to avoid being put in that situation and act like it means little when you say what's going on in your heart, but never tell you my own in truth. Instead I give sad smiles and nod, wishing I could share the little things. I fear where they would lead. I don't think I want to go down that path and lose what I've found. I feel like I owe you though. I think you deserve to know.. I love you.

You're a part of me. You've engraved yourself into my essence without ever having to cross physical boundaries. You're the one I turn to when I feel weak. Lost. Hurt. The one I depend on for guidance and honesty. The one who I trust with my darker secrets, because I know somehow you'll find acceptance of who I am. What I've done. There have been times I've allowed myself to fold into your embrace and forget the world outside and just take in the moment. To fall into the urge to take you away to our own world where everyone else's pain would fade away and we could forget our own. I've wanted to be your shield, but I've always used you as mine instead.. And I've mistreated you so..

I'll always be the first to say, "She's not good enough for you." and I'll mean it every time. I'll always say, "Never settle for less then what you're willing to accept." I'll fail at times, but I'll always try to regain my lost footing and fix what I wrong. I never want to see you falter and fall. Never want to see you give up and let go. I want you to keep dreaming, because someone needs to keep that hope alive. I want you to let your soul fly to the places your body can't go. I want to see the impossible come true through your eyes. I want you to become everything you ever thought you could never be, but I never want to lose you as you are to me.

It is possible to love and not be together and be two and yet still be one.

void

She took things. She didn't give. She didn't know how. Ever since her first taste of receiving she had become a glutton. She desired more. She wanted more. She couldn't be satisfied with a little. Every piece of happiness she found she destroyed with her craving. She was insatiable. She was a void of nothing, but what she took from others. She was alone in a world that only fed her hunger, but never satisfied. A world that ignored the pain by giving more and more, but never healing the wounds that caused her to bleed out. She wasn't even sure that that chasm could ever be filled.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: All he could do is give. That's all he ever really wanted...to give, and hopefully receive...no, not receive, as noone ever truly even allowed him to give. It would only be so long till he gives all he could. If only he could get back, but...he never did. He gave, and gave, 'till even his own desires were warped...From naught but giving, he created his own inner void...

LaniKat: And though she watched as he slowly sunk into his own good nature she could do nothing, but continue to feed off that which he gave so willingly. She knew he suffered and she ached for the pain she fed in his heart, but she couldn't stop herself. She could never stop. Not for her pain. Not even his. Instead she tore the void wider and together they became lost in an infinite loop of giving and taking with nothing between.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: He didn't really care, though...he was happy to give to someone who'd receive...an eternal darkness is always more bearable with a companion...even though she were a unrequited glutton, leeching away at every drop of himself, all he could feel was satisfaction in providing substance to someone...something...Her pain, Her pleasure, Her satisfaction...his so-called "Void" because his new-found "Paradise"...

LaniKat: Even though she continued to take from him she couldn't fill that hole. That pain. That gnawing emptiness that stole away her very being. The person that she was until she was little more then a shell. She'd accept his comfort, his touch, his "love" but she'd be left craving more until she smothered him beneath her overwhelming need. Use him as she needed and go on to another only to come back for more. No matter what it may be as long as it was hers.

'Twin Fangs' Geist: Retreat, return, retreat, return...it only made him lust for her desire. It only empowered his resolve to give her it all, because she'd always return for more, and he'd always provide what she desired...Would he be satsfied if she stayed? Not even he knows, really...but seeing her as often as he did was truly the highlight...

LaniKat: And though he happily accepted her with open arms this acceptance only caused her to ache more. To need more. To try and drown out her sorrow in his affection to no avail. Feeling condemned by unspoken words and spiteful emotion that is sure to hide beneath the surface. She longed to run, but her feet always brought her back to the same place so that she could continue to try and bury herself within another's love.

Illusions

You can pretend if you wish. Believe it is true. What's it matter if nothing is real? Put up your barricade. Your mirage. Weave your lies and watch them grow. Tell the world it's true even when it's false. Make me trust in what you say then turn me away. I'll act the part I was given to play, but just try to see what's going on beneath the lie. I'll hide the secret of this burden and pretend it's all okay even though you'll never know the pain I hold. This world is only make believe so lets just take it as it is.. A wonderfully misplaced illusion.

Shame (Sat. Oct. 2. 2010)

Tell me you understand so I can tell you you're wrong. Give your comfort, your pity, your lies of everything's alright. The hatred is nothing beneath the shame. Such a simple word yet so hard to say. Forgiveness can be given, but never accepted. Why I cannot say. I don't understand. How can purity live beneath filth? An angel that never was can never fall so why am I lying at your feet? Is my humility not enough? No, I've been beaten to the point that even knowing so doesn't change what is. I can never be anyone other then me, but how I despise this woman that I am.

Heh (Sat. Oct. 2, 2010)

There's an indescribable pain in my chest. It's centered at my solar plexus. It's not really physical.. Or I don't think. It feels like an emotional squeeze. A sudden wave of depression that brings pain and makes me want to cry, but I can't even get my eyes to water. Somehow I think if I cry the pain will go away. I know what I want that would probably make me cry.. I can't really expect that though and can't say it would really make me feel better. Running away seems like a good idea too. There's something I'm supposed to write and I suppose I should do that.. I'm not sure what to make it now though.. Baka.. Gomenasai.

Rambling Thoughts (Thurs. Sept. 30th)

It's rare that I just write out my thoughts. I prefer them to be written with hidden meaning. I like them complex. Convoluted. Tonight though, I just want to write. I was happy earlier. Was floating on a cloud of white. I got lost, but I was okay, because I knew I'd find my way back to where it was I was going. I got there though and then I was sad. The traveling to always seem grand, but the destination never is. I feel like I'm standing on unstable ground and it's making me antsy. Any sort of tie is bad in this situation. I feel like a wave being pushed and pulled and if someone were to ask what I want I'd have to say I honestly don't know,other then for it to stop. I just want to breathe. I'm so tired of feeling suffocated, but that feeling won't go away. There's this little voice nagging at me. It's speaking of cages and traps. Strangulation, drowning, suffocating. The loss of air, movement, freedom. I'm sick of being asked how I feel when I know I'll just say I'm fine. Smile. Pretend. I dunno. Do you ever feel like your thoughts are incomplete? Or break apart? I do. It's confusing, because it makes me forget why a lot. I think my mind likes to wipe itself blank then reanalyze everything. That's bad. It's conclusions are always different. My hearts just as fickle. I really need to find someone to confide in. Someone I can trust. Who won't judge. Who understands. Who I can tell absolutely everything. Even the dark thoughts I don't want to tell myself. Corby's the only one that even slightly meets the standards. (sorry Lon and others but I know you all judge.) He does understand the demons inside. The self-loathing. The hatred. The intensity. there's so much I want to tell. Everything actually. Oh yes, but who could handle the truth? Pfft. So many would say them, but how wrong they are. How I'd love to be an angel. Though perhaps a demon would be more suiting. Ah, perhaps a succubus who feeds on emotion rather than sexual intercourse. I think I ponder too much on other peoples thoughts and feelings and not enough on my own. But I do so love hearing everyone else s inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, I should talk to John. He's always trying to figure me out. His own little puzzlebox. I'd hate to leave him bored though. hehh.. Penny for your thoughts anyone? The one's that linger beneath the surface? No? Oh well.

What I Think About You

Lonnie-He's meh sweetling aka best friend though I've never met him in person. He's my emotional support though, even if he's an apathetic jerk a lot of the time >.> who really just wants to be selfish and/or act like a blob. I fear his judgment even though he has yet to judge me. At least out loud or in a critical manner for the things I've done. When I tell him about things that truly effect me even if I won't admit it to myself, he'll cry for me. He'll support me. He'll do what he can and he'll die over the fact that he can't protect me. I love this guy <3 He's amazing and I don't care what anyone else has to say about him 'cause I don't care what kind of friend he is to you, just me. He seems so lost.. I feel like he's slipping further away from me at times. It always feels like there is somewhere else he wants to be. He's not satisfied with life. With himself. This is what he's been showing me lately and it really disappoints me.. Saddens me. -- Add on. Now we don't really talk much. My choice. I don't believe in him like I used to. I don't trust him like I used to and most of what he says just irks the hell out of me.

Angie-o__o My femme best friend and ex lover. She's awesome. She's out there. She's fun. She's sadistic and twisted and perky and chill. She's bi polar. She's my yang. She's my bad influence. She gives me strength. Support. Love. She's perfectly imperfect and I know if I ever need anything she'd probably be the first one there. She's strong even when she's weak. She's determined. Persistent. She's a shorty n.ns and adorable as hell and really needs to get over her self conscience feelings about her body, because I think she's beautiful. She's temperamental and gradually learning more self control. She's been growing in spirit and it shows in how she holds herself now. She's improving on her faults and has a lot of potential if she'll only allow herself to take hold of it and not get sidetracked. She's...meh schmetterling and I'll always love her. <3

Corby-He's a friend I sometimes neglect, but who is counted pretty highly amongst the majority of them. He has a lot of self-inflicted issues and I really feel connected on a mental/emotional level with him. He understands a lot of the things I share with him. Understands my feelings of myself. Like me, he explores his darker thoughts and feelings. I can share those things with him without feeling uncomfortable. He's an all around amazing guy who judges himself and his worth far too much. He takes on stress he doesn't need too and really knows how to devote himself to a person, even if that person treats him like trash in return. His heart is big. He's willing to help when he can and always offers a hand when I need one. He's become a pillar of support lately that I've really needed. He's my first mate n__n and the one who will understand when others won't. I'm glad to see that he's finally learning to stand on his own two feet. To push past the pain he's feeling and stand up for himself. To not allow someone to keep using him and treating him as an emotional release. It'll be good for him.

x.x' I should get this one over with soooo...

Pete- He's the guy I gave everything to.. Who I've fought with and for over the last four years. The one I've confided in of certain things and wish I could have confided in about others. He's the one who's helped mold me as I've grown. For better or worse, I'm not quite sure. He makes me confused, unsure, and weary. He makes me worry, angry, sad, frustrated.. He makes me want to strangle him and knock sense in him. He needs to grow up.. He's learning.. slowly. He's too dependent on his parents. He's critical. Pessimistic. Easily depressed.. Put down. He wants more, but doesn't fight for it. He just lets life happen. He accepts it. He's good at making me laugh. We're like polar opposites though. I guess he's the negative to my positive. The devil to my hell. He's my Beast and I'm the angel that never was.

Mandii-She's depressing, frustrating, fun, social. She holds herself down and even makes excuses for her excuses. She's a procrastinator and takes criticism badly. She's sensitive. She's friendly. She's a push over. She's a softy. She's got a big heart and lot of love to give. She's cuddly and touchy x.x' She wants things, but isn't willing to work for them. She's lazy and dislikes responsibility. She's hard on herself, but doesn't try to fix what she dislikes. She's easy to get along with and great to talk to. She tries to close herself up when she shouldn't. She's not good at conflict. She has lots of opportunities around her, but doesn't reach for them. She could probably achieve a lot if she really tried. She's a fantastic writer and has a love and gift for the arts. She just needs to open herself to the more positive energies of life rather then sealing herself in darkness... She's meh lil NymphoKat Lol XD <3 She is also somebody that I no longer consider a friend after the things I've learned she's said behind my back.

Gordon- o___o He's a sarcastic ass who likes to get what he wants when he wants how he wants. He's not a good person to be on his bad side. He seems to enjoy vengeance and giving people a hard time. He's outgoing and charismatic and an easy person to hate or love. He's like a drama magnet. He's amusing, entertaining, fun, hilarious, could probably make a living out of teasing people >.< Oh, and his ego is unrivaled and I can honestly say he probably created mine XD lol. So bad... Hm.. I miss him. He was a good friend until we stopped talking and drifted apart. He helped me through a pretty rough time, but then I slipped and fell back into a bad thing like I tend to do. For him, I just wanna say thanks for staying up long nights and keeping me company. It was awesome. He's awesome. He's meh lost Hostage. These are the things I prefer to remember..

x.x Gawd.. there's so many of you!!

Steven- I really don't have that much to say about you x.x' You're an ass...BUT you have really improved on that. We've had our ups and downs, but our friendship was never really tight. We have gotten more talkative this last month and it's been pretty cool. you sarcastic jerk. .. Now, however, you've dropped the jerk tag. You're actually a lot more open then you used to be. You seem to be less depressed to. I'm not sure if that's just a cover or not though.

Toii-PandiiCandii N.N You're another person with whom I'm not that close. You are funny though and have a pretty outgoing personality. I always enjoy talking to you so Yay for that n.ns

Adam-You o__o are a perv. Lol, just thought I'd get that out of the way. However, despite the fact we hardly talk anymore you are EPIC. I think you're the only person I've ever met that I just clicked with. Ever since we first spoke it has been nothing but laughs and just.. awesomeness. You were one of my go to people and I still trust you like I don't many others. I do miss talking and fighting off pink zombie gophers in the middle of the night DX aww... such good times.. You're one of my other emotional supports if ever I need and I know I can count on you for advice and basically whatever I need. You have a strong personality and are one hell of a determined man.. Knowing your situation and all. And you aren't that bad of a singer either. n.ns Anywho, you'll always be BigBrother to me.

Soren-Another friend who I've lost a bit of trust in. He's the only guy I can seem to have conversations and crap with and not be afraid of him being a complete pervert or hitting on me N.N It makes me happy. We can even have "sword" fights! Lol. n.ns No, even with the loss of trust he's still been a great friend to me and has always been willing to help and encourage me where I needed it. He's never faltered in supporting me and pushing me to do better for myself. We've had confiding conversations and great times >.> especially when I'm whooping him at grand theft walrus.. -clears throat- Anywho, he'll always be meh BigBrother too.

Zak-He has an adorable singing voice. o.o he hates being told he's adorable but he is. He's love struck and confused and stressed and frustrated. I'm weary of him. I do enjoy talking to him. He's flirty. He's got the emo hair XD and can do the flip! = awesome. Adding on from last time I wrote.. He's maturing and I'm rather enjoying the little changes I see. I feel less weary of him and feel more relaxed talking to him now.

John-I have very spiteful feelings towards him at times. He's wonderful to talk to. Intelligent. Witty. Savvy. He makes me feel stupid at times. He's good at cooking, baking, music, writing. He studies martial arts. o___o The dude is like freaking perfect okay ze.e! Likes to keep clean. Likes travel. Likes helping people. Has old standard morals when it comes to marriage and what not. He makes me push myself in my writing without saying a word. He inspires me. He's my Tia Teri, My Muse. He broke my heart and then I broke his. I have repressed anger towards him that I can't seem to let go even though I try and have given him my forgiveness. I place blame on him when I shouldn't. I guess.. He is my scapegoat. I take my feelings of hatred out on him and he just takes it. If I were anyone else he would've shut me down already, or so he says. He comes off to me as a humanitarian. He has big dreams. A big heart. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel so feminine and I can't figure out why. He frustrates me. I despise him. I'm getting irked just writing this so I'm gonna stop.

x.x I'm just gonna stop here.. might add more later. If anyone else wants me to write something about 'em just ask and I'll add it.

Now to continue...

Laskey- Well.. I've only met you a couple times so the most I know about you is just things I've heard from Mandii and other people. I normally don't like just going off what other people say, but for the most part you are a good friend to Mandii and I do have quite a bit of respect for you due to certain things concerning her and problems she's had. It shows good character. If we ever get the chance to get to know each other better I'm sure I'll have more to add to this.

Danielle: I don't really know much about you, but I have read some of your writings and I find them to be really well done.

Emily: Well.. When I first met you, you came off as more upbeat and spunky. As time progressed you began to show an inner sorrow and now I can see that aura clinging to you. You have a lot of happiness smothered beneath it though. Like rays of sunlight trying to break through a cloudy sky so the people around you only get to glimpse the beauty hidden behind the veil.

Randy: You come off as the guy who wants to do and fix things, yet instead you're stuck in the background. You seem to be struggling for the things you really want to achieve, but can't quite get out of the hole you've placed yourself in. You just really seem like someone who sits and directs from the back while others take the light. It's not a bad thing, but it makes it hard for you to get noticed and get your ideas out.

Kaylie: Lol, I know you said you didn't want to be placed in here, but.. I just have to add you to say, I can't really put much thought into you. I don't know even little tid bits about you.

Alycia: Can't believe I haven't added you!! Honestly, you're the only female I've been attracted to as a girlfriend type since Angie. I love your photography. Slightly envious of your skills actually. Lol. I think you have a very endearing personality, but when it comes to the men you like you try changing yourself to suit what they want you to be and then get frustrated when it doesn't work out. You come off as dependent towards your mate. You rely a lot on the feelings and thoughts they give you. I think inside you have a very strong persona though. You're definitely a dreamer. You just seem to get overwhelmed and give up easily. I hope you can over come your self destructive obstacles to accomplish everything you desire though.

Dierk: This is probably the first person I've met that has made me happy simply by being here. I've yet to have him do anything that actually makes me hurt. Even seeing his interactions with other people makes me smile. With him, for the first time, I got to see myself make someone ecstatic without having to worry about putting pain on them. I got to make them happy and then I got to see their joy over it. It was wonderful. I was talking to him and then he was talking to the other as well.. but it was me he was telling how he felt. How happy he was. How much warmth he felt. It was amazing.. and I'm pissed that somebody had to go and shatter that moment that had been created. It was just.. beautiful.. I've never experienced so much happiness as I did through him when he was telling me about what was going on. It was like the happiness of a child.. So pure. And now x.x I still have this song stuck on repeat. Lol.. I'm always curious to see what he's going to be up to next. What thoughts he's going to spill and emotions he's going to let out. It has me absolutely fascinated and I love sitting here watching him. It's not like with other people either, where I'm always trying to figure out every little thing. I'm simply content to let things fall into place and discover the things as they come. There's so many interesting little twists. So really, what's not to adore?

Obviously I have a lot more to say about some people then others. This is because my relationship is more developed with some. I hardly talk to the majority of you unless it's in brief comments. That's not enough to get a real idea of your persona so I can only gleam a first impression. I don't want to base my thoughts on only that. I'd be glad to listen if anybody wants to have real conversation though.

Ties That Bind

They're all around yet can't be seen by the naked eye, these ties that bind. They twine around your heart, strangling.. suffocating. Allowing you to bleed out as the wire bites into tender muscle. Like strings wielded by a master puppeteer they tug at your limbs, drawing you in different directions. Pulling you apart piece by piece until your left as nothing but a hollow shell...A dancer for their pleasure. A victim for their love, their hate and their pain.

Trickster

Should I show you the things that linger on the essence of my being I fear you would run and never look again. Perhaps though, I'll tell you anyway so you might get a hint of the trickster within. A devils delight. Obsessed and consumed by her own obsession she'll make you dance to the demons flute and you'll think an angel is she. Her illusion is so complete that even she must wonder. Her sin is her redemption. The only of it's kind. A selfish glutton that will give only to deceive. Receiving what she needs without ever asking. Her wants and desires, all for the taking, and they'll never know... Her puppets dance with strings unattached and hearts open and bleeding.

Lost

Are you lost?
..Yes.
Do you know where you're going?
..No, but I Know where I want to be.

Depressing Dream

It started out as a zombie dream but then ended up changing.. The people in this changed dream kept.. shifting.. Like one minute I knew they were one person but then that same person became someone else..Anyway.. A group of us went into the mountains I don't remember the whole trip but one woman fell into a gaping hole and before she fell I pulled her up.. I remember getting strange vibes off someone.. or everyone.. I'm not sure.. in the group.. then we were in a cabin and going to play cards, but another part of the group were on some smooth flat rocks to camp.. I was with them momentarily, but someone was missing and I looked off with a heavy heart only to accept the hand that a person reached out to me to share they're spot on the ground.. In the cabin I got mad before the game started, because they were ranting about rules and what not. I ended up throwing my deck into the air and letting it fall onto the people before storming out though I did end up going back for my shoes cause it was sunny out and I didn't wanna burn my feet. I specifically remember Lon being there. He left after me, but to the campground area. I knew he was going to find his woman cheating on him and somehow got the feeling that I was going to find the same thing with Pete. I'm not with him anymore, but apparently in my dream I was. Sure enough as I got down to the house as I passed our bedroom window he was screwing another woman.. I beat the door and said I was gonna kill her and my dad was standing behind me along with my little sister. I told her to go around to the windows because even though I couldn't see through the door I could.. see what was going on in the room. Dream knowing is awesome.. Anywho.. I did end up getting in and they were hidden behind/beneath the bed which was angled upward in some odd position.. He didn't say anything but she did. She said they were gonna die in a month and something about me not understanding.. At this point I completely shut down emotionally. I'm not sure what happened in the moments between, but I guess cops were there for some reason and one ended up dead. They freaked out and we all ended up back in the rocks with him laying down and us sitting over him. Getting a bit of feeling back I try to comfort him but then she ended up caressing his face so again I shut down and get up to leave. Almost back to the cabin I fell down sobbing, but forced myself to stand up and fight back the tears because I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I opened the cabin door twice, but shut it each time then just started wandering off. Two of the females there said it was too dark to climb up this really steep hill that was oddly rowed with grass. Not listening to them they decide to follow. I couldn't get up as far as them and actually ended up sliding back down. Part of me hoped I would just slide right off the mountains edge. Instead I stopped at Lon's feet who just got back himself. I already knew he had found his girl cheating as well. Those around us finally started to get suspicious about how we were feeling so I grabbed his arm and the dream twisted with my thoughts so we were walking along a stone path in a garden like area. He started talking, saying everything was gonna be okay and what not.. The normal things he says.. which.. only he would know and I'm not repeating any of it to anyone so yeah.. After waking up I remember.. I think there were four but there might have been five.. well.. I don't know what they were.. but each represented a person/choice of something or other.. I woke up very sad..

Life Dream

Last night in my dream I was heading home.. Mandii was coming with me for some reason. The trip was shorter then I remember, but it had a really eerie feeling about it. When it came to a stop I got off and there was another.. bus like vehicle. When I seen no one else got off I asked him where he was going. He said, "To wherever your meant to be." Then I ran back over to the other bus cause I could feel it was going to leave and I asked where it was heading. He said "To the same place just not as fast." I didn't know which to go to, but at the last moment I ended up going with the new driver. Mandii got up and was beating against the bus window and even though I tried gesturing for her to come with me the bus was already pulling away. When it disappeared I suddenly got twisted thoughts about the driver I was with. That he wasn't quite.. normal. Well, when he turned to smile at me.. >.< It looked like his damn face was stretched and he had giant bug eyes and some creepy grin weird looking expression. Lets just say he was totally batty. Instead of following normal protocol he jumped the sidewalk and raced happily along the road, weaving between cars and what not, barely avoiding some. At one point I remember seeing a little girl, the dream completely slowed at this point and focused completely on her, but she was running across a side street. She was wearing a little red dress and I believe there were balloons.. Following was another older girl.. I'm not sure if she was trying to stop her or just following.. She seemed.. more in a hurry. Pulling me from the distraction was the fact we almost got hit by a car. I remember thinking about my dad and how to get ahold of him and wondering if he was in town. On another street we drove by a house that.. was.. open to us.. Like.. the front walls were missing so we could look inside. There were shelves of stuffed animals closest to us and after passing those we could see inside and there was an empty chair with a blanket strewn across it and few other things. The house was cleared out, because the elderly woman living there had died. I remember her from another dream that I had before. I was taking care of her and helping her out.

I woke up shortly after that. I take it as a dream about choosing a life path.. In the dream I feel like I chose the more unstable one and chose to leave things/people behind. As the dream continued it was showing me things along the path I've taken thus far and were it was heading, but I never reached the end before waking up.

Limbo

I'm stuck in this place where I'm not quite amongst the living nor the dead. I breathe, yet the air is stale. I speak, yet the words are hollow. I listen, yet there's no sounds. I feel, yet the texture is not substantial. I'm simply floating in shades of gray watching people dance around me like puppets on strings. I might reach for them, but I'll never grasp hold. I'll simply continue to trap myself in this lonesome prison, because I can't decide which door to take. Behind every one I see endless possibilities swirling and twisting. One moment bright with the next full of dread. The past stretches behind me like a leeching shadow and the future remains in constant shift with no beginning yet in sight. So I stay here. Never moving forward and afraid to ever look back.

Give Me

Give me a moment. A touch. A passing glance. A whispered word. Give me these things that you hold to selfishly. The things I crave that you deny. I'll beg a little more if you'll just give me one of many needs. I'm pleading for this, a happiness long gone yet not obtained so still to be given. I want it all from you. Everything you keep locked away. The secrets, the fears, the lies.. Give it all and maybe I'll finally be able to let these dark things I keep go.

Cry

Why do you cry for someone who would not cry for you? Why do these tears stain your cheeks like rivulets of fear? Why cling to the pain in your heart when you know they won't even care? I watch you trembling.. clutching at the broken trinket in your chest. I want to tell you.. To whisper all you need , but all I can do is watch you there and let you suffer in silent pleas. I could save you, I know, but I think I'd rather watch you drown. Can you see now their promises meant little? I'll always be there is just a lie bringing false hopes that'll break as you die. You should have listened to that little voice that always said beware. Had you kept your trust in iron bars you wouldn't have to now be crossing that thin line. Still it's not to late to bring you back from death. I think though.. I'll let you go so when you reach that place you can tell me what you see. For I think, I may soon be joining you.

Filth

Though it may seem I brush things off so easily you can't see what I hold beneath this protective shell. You see a smile, but I hide a frown. You hear laughter, but I hold back tears. You see strength, but I'm paralyzed by fears. You think optimist, but this glass isn't even half full. The face I put on is more then just for show. It's my hide away from my own self-loathing. I thought if I buried myself deep enough I wouldn't have to see the layers of filth that I wear, but now I see it perfectly clear. The mistakes I'd made before were not tangible, but this is something new, something real. I no longer know how to react, to feel. My thoughts, my body..both disgust me. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. A traitor to the me I thought I used to be. I feel like little more, less even, then the slander I've been given. I'm opening myself up so you can see and watch me bleed out my shame. Go ahead and spew your scorn. Add your words to my contempt. Feed this hatred and watch me burn. Leave me alone to let me rot. Maybe I'll let you pretend you can despise me more then I already do, but you will never feel the grime that I can never wash away. So go ahead and throw it all back in my face, because I've already torn myself further down then you could ever hope to lower me.

Love Kills

Hatred is a quick way to destroy while love is more thorough.. Slower in its kills. It wishes to savor every moment as it leads you along the path of your demise. Whispering sweet promises of forever to draw you along and keep you from hearing the warnings you somehow always feel. Veiling you with lies of protection so as you fall deeper you don't see all the broken hearts it has left behind...

Life&Death

Life. The most beautiful tragedy ever written. No matter how wonderful something may be it will come to an end. So, if you take each moment and live at only that time how much more do you think you could get out of that short span. If you think, that within the next instant none of it will be there, do you think you could find more in a passing touch? Would you not hesitate to show every emotion? Or hide, like a shadow in the background? When you reach out and realize you're touching life's frail hand will you shrivel up and cower in your fear? Or let death claim you in its fickle embrace? But how fickle can something be that has been with you since the day you are conceived? Life is in constant motion all around you on the outside, but death is born within. It's only fickle about when it chooses to reclaim you from the life you become reluctant to give.

It's Strange..

How completely open I can find myself with a complete stranger, but then as I get to know them and the relationship may develop further I may never open up to them again in such a way about anything else. It seems strange that I would share one aspect of my life with certain individuals and yet not others. I find myself pondering this, because I have had a few mail me saying they enjoyed the honesty in my profile (on another site). I'm not saying there were lies in it, but that it wasn't everything either. Most of it focused on one thing in particular and briefly touched on others. So now I'm sitting here thinking about how odd it is that I would open up about one aspect of my life to a specific group of people and yet not to another and that I would likely never open up about another aspect to that same group. It's the rare occurrence that I would find someone I would want to share more of it with. Then I sadden myself by wondering why I can't just have that same openness about everything all the time to everyone. Of course that couldn't possibly work now, could it? Some people just don't understand some things that you would want to tell them or you'd get a bad tongue lashing by a difference of thought or whatnot. Sad, but true. Maybe though, there could be at least one person I could talk to about everything? The sad part is, I think I would have to be completely emotionally detached from them to do so. How twisted is that? If I get to close to someone I shut down and would rather them know nothing. I've even come to points where I wished I'd never met them just so I could re-meet them and change how it is, but that still wouldn't work, because then I would know them again and poof, the same problem. Is it wrong to want to share all your opinions and even, most twisted secrets, wants, need, shames and etc with someone?

Don't Wanna Be That Girl

I'm so tired of being the girlfriend. The one who isn't trusted. Whose every action he's paranoid of. I'm struck by the feeling of wanting to fade into the background and watch from afar. I'm sure I'd make a better guardian angel then a girlfriend any day. Who would want to be the one who hurts the person they care most about? That's all I've learned from playing this part. Betrayal, pain, suspicion. I don't wanna be that girl anymore. I'd rather be the best friend who is trusted no matter what. Who gets to hear all his secrets. I'd sacrifice the more romantic side of things for the simple ones. I take more joy in that anyway. It's so hard to explain and I'm tired and I don't want to be awake right now, but I can't sleep. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. I had someone I considered a best friend once, because I could relate to that person like I couldn't anyone else. They were my go to person and then one day.. They just weren't. I suppose friendship is just as fickle as a real relationship. I'd love to have a best friend, but yet another downfall.. If it is a girl, there seems to be jealousy issues. If it's a male, there seems to be wanting more issues. Can't I just find that simple innocence I want? Being a girlfriend makes things so complicated as well. You can't have a male best friend, because your boyfriend gets jealous or suspicious. Another girl, and well.. I never hear good things from them. I'd rather not even get into all that drama.
I'm just tired of the complications. Is it so bad to want simplicity? To stop the hurting that comes with the relationship? I guess maybe it is.. Love doesn't breed perfection.. it simply amplifies the flaws and from it I've come to hate myself for the faults I'm beginning to see in myself. I don't think I was ever meant to be a girlfriend and I think if he were wise he'd move on, because in the end he will hate me just as much as I do myself.

Rotting Love

She wonders why he doesn't hear, he doesn't see. He says he's listening, but the words aren't getting through. She can't show him so she's trying to tell him in the best way she can, but now the message is all askew. He thinks she's light, but she can't even cast out the shadows of his doubt and she's slowly disappearing in the void of her own. She can't scream louder then her own fear. It festers like a wound in her heart and she wants to let him know that in her mind he's already gone. She's holding onto the hope and a memory she can never touch. Reaching across space for a hand she's never felt. A ghost with no warmth to give. No body to hold. She recedes in her silence watching her love rot as she forgets the reasons why.. Refuses to care to numb the pain, to save the anger, to drown the tears.

Human Wreck

What is it you see behind closed eyes? Do you find what you seek in the darkness of your mind? I'm trying to find the answers and the words, but I can't read between broken lines. We're looking through the same glass, but the reflections are never the same. I'm curious, what it is you see in your reflection? I want to know your secrets and have you concede to me the things you dare not even dream. I can't seem to fathom all your reasons and wonder at your excuses. Why do you hide yourself behind so many layers? Are you afraid of what lies beneath? Couldn't you please open your eyes a moment and look my way for once? Is it so bad that I want you to notice me as the girl I want to be? Is it so wrong to wish that you'd only be mine? To have you open your arms for me or even reach out a hand? But no, your fingers are only an illusion and your embrace something I'll never feel. I'm stuck here in a realm between living and lost. The binds tying me to you are to strong to tear apart. I can't even turn away, unlike you, I'm forced to watch as you devour yourself in your own paranoid depression. To weak to do anything more then merely exist. You aren't so bad, you know. You're just a beautiful little human wreck.

Never Was, Never Will Be

She looks in the mirror and sees strange eyes staring back at her. So distant. Different then she remembered. The face there is distorted. Smudged by false images. It never changes. No matter how many times she tries to wipe the reflection clean. She's been trying so hard to live up to that ideal woman he holds in his mind, but she could never be that girl. She tried so hard to live up to their high standards, but she never quite reached the bar. She tried to give her hand to one and help them up, but ended up taking it from another and letting them fall. She tried to hide the hurt of the wounds being inflicted upon her heart, but the scars kept ripping open. She tried to cover the tears, but they still fell. She tried to hold onto her dreams, but they were twisted into nightmares. She tried to run, but they gave chase and she could never run that fast. So now she stands still and listens to their screams. No longer does she lift her arms in self defense, but allows the blows to fall upon beaten skin. She knows now that she can never be that person her heart yearned to be.

Beacon of Hope (Tuesday, June 29, 2010)

A star. A small beacon of hope. A pinprick of light in the darkness. Yet a star is meant only for one, because if it turns it's attention to another then it takes it's light away and leaves the first in darkness. For only a foolish star would think they can light a world, unless that star be the sun, and even then only one half the world is lit while the other is given a cast off reflection; The moon, a fickle thing at best as it waxes and wanes. Teasing weary hearts as it grows in brightness and when they think they will reach the end of a long journey it flickers out and leaves them in darkness. Giving them back to the stars that speckle the velveteen sky like a myriad of diamonds.

Secreted Love (Thursday, May 20, 2010)

Lets go away... To our own world. Somewhere where they can't find us. A place just for us where their pain can't follow. Where their faces can't haunt us and we can forget the wistful ache that they cast aside like ash in the wind. Let us share with each other the things we did not know. The things we dreamed of, but could never see. Let us take comfort in one anothers embrace and find new love in secreted kisses. Together we can forge a new path away from the death and destruction. Like the blind, we can push our way through the darkness while hand in hand and when we come out the other side we can open our eyes to take our first view of a new world, together.

Mask of Me (Wednesday, May 12, 2010)

I wear a mask upon my face. It's not one that many can see, but still it is there. It covers my shame when self despising feelings arise. It reveals pride and strength in place of modesty and weakness. It gives to the world a projection of an illusionary self. A self that exists solely to hide the inner and protect it from the hurt lashed out at it. This mask bleeds for the face beneath. It refuses to yield the secrets held within. Is this mask just a lie? Or is it the truth of the present and the hidden face an unborn desire that struggles to break of its cocoon? Do we not become who we pretend to be, even if it is only for that moment? For it is in that moment that we live. The past is gone and the future yet to be. So then, is that mask not me?

Tainted and Pure (Thursday, March 11, 2010)

I've been asked before what I think love is and what I want it to be. I've thought this over and as time goes on I figure I want it to start with a simple kiss. An aphrodisiac of love. Not completely innocent as desire blooms forth from meeting lips. A curiosity tinged want that doesn't demand, but asks without taking. Giving yet begging for more. Soft little pleas that whisper to the soul and are echoed by a fluttering heart. Needed affection burning through veins and leaving a blazing trail of love in place of disintegrating lust. Enveloped in the warmth of a selfless embrace where pain is forgotten, shed in tears that fall like diamonds. Something pure that is given as a gift with no strings attached.
Too often though people are left thinking love is something that causes pain. It isn't supposed to hurt. It isn't meant to be tainted by expectations and ruined with disappointments. A person shouldn't be left thinking love means tears and blood.

Back To Death (Saturday, February 13, 2010)

I have these thoughts that are like a maze through my mind and emotions akin to a tangled web caught on shattered dreams. I wonder if perhaps they are fueled by my ire or if it is my sorrow that causes them to bloom? Birthed from these feelings are the visions of rending flesh and corpses. The screaming of the damned and the crying of the shamed. I hear and see them like a constant echo in my head. Where can I hide from my own self created images? I seek release from pain never asked for and yet I'm constantly dragged back into reality. It's during this that I can hear death calling. Whispering, urging, promising. Death acts like a fine temptress when showing me the desires of which I cannot speak. I know death wants me. I can feel death wrapping me in its suffocating embrace. Drawing me down into the abode of the defleshed ones. Should I scream would anyone hear me? Do I even want to be helped? From the moment I was born was I not meant to be deaths and death meant to be mine?
Some may consider this logic twisted, but why? I wonder if it isn't because they also have these thoughts, but more securely hidden away. Life seems to be a thing of constant denial. No one ever wanting to admit their deepest fears or wants. Afraid of being condemned or mocked. I am only now learning to accept these ideas as my own reality. I am not a death seeker nor would I purposefully try to take my own life. It is the thought of death that intrigues me. I'm in constant wonder of what may be waiting at that time. I am curious about the sensations I would go through. When I think of death I imagine an intense emotional release. Pure feeling and complete understanding. This may come from a variety of dreams I've had on the subject, because within my dreams my emotions are very overwhelming. At the same time, however, they are very clear. The emotion is perfectly understood without the confusion that many find in reality.
Inside I feel lost and empty. I know something is missing and I connect my attitude towards death to this void. I keep searching for that one thing that will fill the hole yet it always seems to elude me. At first I thought it might be something that only another person could give me, but upon further analysis I have come to discover that what I'm searching for is an emotion. Some may say love, but I am not too sure of this. I doubt it is any one emotion in particular, but rather it is the strength of the emotion. I want to be consumed with the feeling. Leaving no space for anything else. Death plays upon this desire and uses it to lure me further into its greedy grasp. In death I am promised that ultimate feeling. The ebbing of life just might end up being my sweetest ecstasy.

Death (Friday, October 02, 2009 )

I can't remember how long ago it started, a few months I think.. It was during one of the times Pete hadn't been on for awhile and I was feeling really depressed. I can't remember all of them but I do remember some. The first one had two endings.. aside from that this is what happened..

I was with a friend and we were lost, it was night and gradually the stars began to vanish. Eventually a man came upon us and offered his help, hesitant at first we finally accepted. I was to wait at the bottom of this ladder that led to the ground above that which we were on. A chain linked fence stretched the distance above. I knew I had waited a long time and finally I went up to see what was going on. Slipping through the tight squeeze between the gate entrance and the gate itself I called out in a whisper, the dream began growing dark here until finally it was pitch yet still I could see. Not see like a person normally does but in a more... well.. it's hard to describe. The blackness killed everything and yet still there was sight.. Anyway.. My friend was there.. she was dead. I remember that I knew here in real life but can't recall who she is, I think at one point her identity changed. That happens a lot in my dreams. He came after me. I fought him till I was beaten and bloody.. This is where the ends differ.. In this first ending I freed myself and ran, I only got so far before a bullet pierced my neck and I fell dead. In the second ending I ran into this field of tall stalks, I ended up crawling on my knees as He followed, calling out to me. There was a time his feet passed before my face. On the outskirts of the field people camped at the base of a large hill. I ran to them and than past. He followed. They were slaughtered and before the last one fell I woke.

This second dream took place in a house of traps. It was falling apart and the inside was a mess, covered in dust. There was a group of people. I knew all of them but can't recall. I knew the place was dangerous and we were being hunted but they didn't seem to understand no matter how many times I tried to tell them. The chimney was stuffed with all sorts of pipes and metals and while they examined this a person came through the door. I tried to warn them but my voice went unheard, it felt like I was speaking in water. There was a little girl. I remember her more vividly. I don't know where she came from but I knew I'd be too late to save her as the man lifted a bow, loosing an arrow. Even though I threw myself at the child I fell short as if stopped by something and the arrow pierced through her right eye. Even with the blood trickling down her pale cheek she didn't seem to have noticed the pain. She seemed so... serene. She stood there dead for moments before finally falling. As I cradled her head in my arms the group scattered in screams, the man chasing them and traps going off, killing.. wounding.. Yet my attention was fixed on her face, caught by her empty gaze.

The third dream took place in the desert.. It was during a war. I don't remember the events that led up to it so much as the ending part of the dream, but my group of people were running around, guns were going off.. Angie was there. She was about to get shot, I could see it coming. The bullet flew over us as I tackled her into a tight ditch.. Climbing out of it I found my mom standing there waiting. She had a gun that also acted as a lighter >.> which actually looked pretty cool, but I advise you never to get one.... Anyway as she went to light her cigarette the gun went off and shot Angie. I fell beside her trying to cover the wound but as much as I tried to deny it we both knew she was going to die.. She gestured and called me nearer so I could hear her and in a whisper of last breath she said 'Love me..' After that I held her sobbing and nodding, just clutching her to my chest.. At this point I could feel Pete's presence. He wasn't really there physically, just.. spiritually. He emanated sorrow yet at the same time a sense of understanding. I was so sad and torn. I didn't like that dream u.u not one bit..

The fourth one however... I was trapped in this tower by a god but than I managed to escape. I don't remember how. Only that when I did I had to swim across part of an ocean. My thoughts completely on getting back to My Lord. The God of Death. After reaching land I ran, never taking a moment to rest. His home was built half onto a tree with round windows, the uppermost one being lit up. Upon seeing it I ran through the door. He stood there with a mage. I took a moment to stare at him before rushing forward and throwing my arms around him. I was filled with an overwhelming joy at the sight of him. Like all my worries and stresses had been lifted. He nuzzled my neck while carrying me into his room, and sorry to tell you people but I'm not getting descriptive with this part. As you can guess from the title, I made love to death. After all those dreams, some of which I couldn't give do to not remembering, Death finally embraced me with open arms and claimed me as his lover. I'm not sure how to take that meaning..

Well n.n Here's another dream I had just last night. Only I wasn't the one to die, I tried, but ya know.. Okay.. I walked into a room where two people I apparently knew were hanging by chains and hooks from the ceiling, one was even upside down. Two men were there as the tormentors and when I was found I was pushed into a chair and the meaner of the two told me I could decide whom would die (I looked rather half asleep or drugged) He than handed me a weapon that looked like sharp angled butterfly wings, another small blade swung out from just above the hilt, it was really weird but it looked pretty sweet. I glanced at the two hanging at the lifted one of the curved wing tops to my throat but before I could do any harm to myself the other guy, who I also happened to know, yanked the blade from me >.> Someone hit the chair I was sleeping in and woke me up after that u.u

Denial (Tuesday, July 15, 2008)

I find the world to be quite depressing.. People are just sick creatures. Lying thieves who play upon each others weaknesses like puppeteers with strings hooked into the flesh so the slightest pull brings them crawling back like a dog at your every beck and call, with words so twisted the truth is but a contorted lie in itself an image of absolute corruption in the mind of one whose ignorance would shield from such things just to crumble beneath the weight like a glass mask finding the solitude of the inner self but a simple trick in the stages of denial...