Rambling Thoughts (Thurs. Sept. 30th)

It's rare that I just write out my thoughts. I prefer them to be written with hidden meaning. I like them complex. Convoluted. Tonight though, I just want to write. I was happy earlier. Was floating on a cloud of white. I got lost, but I was okay, because I knew I'd find my way back to where it was I was going. I got there though and then I was sad. The traveling to always seem grand, but the destination never is. I feel like I'm standing on unstable ground and it's making me antsy. Any sort of tie is bad in this situation. I feel like a wave being pushed and pulled and if someone were to ask what I want I'd have to say I honestly don't know,other then for it to stop. I just want to breathe. I'm so tired of feeling suffocated, but that feeling won't go away. There's this little voice nagging at me. It's speaking of cages and traps. Strangulation, drowning, suffocating. The loss of air, movement, freedom. I'm sick of being asked how I feel when I know I'll just say I'm fine. Smile. Pretend. I dunno. Do you ever feel like your thoughts are incomplete? Or break apart? I do. It's confusing, because it makes me forget why a lot. I think my mind likes to wipe itself blank then reanalyze everything. That's bad. It's conclusions are always different. My hearts just as fickle. I really need to find someone to confide in. Someone I can trust. Who won't judge. Who understands. Who I can tell absolutely everything. Even the dark thoughts I don't want to tell myself. Corby's the only one that even slightly meets the standards. (sorry Lon and others but I know you all judge.) He does understand the demons inside. The self-loathing. The hatred. The intensity. there's so much I want to tell. Everything actually. Oh yes, but who could handle the truth? Pfft. So many would say them, but how wrong they are. How I'd love to be an angel. Though perhaps a demon would be more suiting. Ah, perhaps a succubus who feeds on emotion rather than sexual intercourse. I think I ponder too much on other peoples thoughts and feelings and not enough on my own. But I do so love hearing everyone else s inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, I should talk to John. He's always trying to figure me out. His own little puzzlebox. I'd hate to leave him bored though. hehh.. Penny for your thoughts anyone? The one's that linger beneath the surface? No? Oh well.