Conversation With Myself

Myself: So why won't you date them?
Me: They don't have what I'm looking for.
Myself: And what are you looking for?
Me: A fairytale.. and I know I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to hold my breath anyway.
Myself:: I guess some childhood dreams never die.
Me: Nah.. It's just that I had found it once and then I lost it. Ever since it seems like I've been chasing it down trying to find it again.

Dream

Had.. two dreams last night. I think it was two anyway, if not then it was one dream that switched in the middle. Either way in the first one there was this guy who I apparently was interested in and who was interested in me as well. He was somewhere near the pool that I was in. I actually ended up in the pool with my jacket on. I was trying to get it off as I jumped in, but didn't make it. Still got it off though. So I was swimming around for awhile and then Lonnie showed up. I guess he was upset about something. Either way him and this guy got in a "fight" of sorts. It was more like a verbal battle. Either way he ended up storming off and this upset me so I got out and chased him down, giving him a hug. He was all tense at first, but in the end he relaxed and hugged me back.
The second dream was about Gordon. I don't remember most of the details, but he was upset too. Not entirely sure about what, but he o__o tried choking my little sister. That was kinda weird. I finally got fed up with him and ended up attacking him actually. Well, not really trying to hurt him, just hold him down and make him listen to me. Mm.. Can't really remember much of this, but we ended up in a room sitting on different pieces of furniture and talking about.. something.. and spying on whoever was outside the window x.x'

Dreams

So I've been pretty bad about putting my dreams down lately. I've had three that I can remember, even if not in perfect detail. The first one was about a crocodile that was trying to eat me. I was standing on top of a fridge and the damn thing nearly got me. It could jump really high. I climbed from there into the attic and followed it to the other side of the house near the front door. The croc got up there as I was dropping down to the floor. I ran out the front door and towards a car. Anji was there and I remember Dawndra's son Legion was there as well. Anji almost left him behind. I remember being like "Wtf?" To her.
The next dream was of a boa constrictor who was trying to kill me. This dream seems familiar to me. I think I had it before. There were separate rooms in the building and they would fill with water. This helped the boa move around and get to more victims. It killed a few people. Luckily I wasn't one of them.
The last dream had me in a Serengeti setting. The rain gave it a bit of a swampish appearance in places where there were more trees. There were cheetahs everywhere and I was trying to navigate my way through the area without getting attacked or eaten. I came close to running in to them multiple times, but always managed to avoid contact. They'd jump towards me, or snarl, but never attacked. One cheetah came closer to doing so then the others. It had started to rush me and I had turned around and snarled at it, half crouched, neutralizing it in a show of dominance.After that I ran and strangely, there was a door that left the Serengeti and to another place. Here I was with a bunch of people and we were doing adventuring, but I can't remember what happened.

Dream Points involving the Crocodile:

The crocodile in a dream, if wild, represents a new beginning or change in your waking life. It is also a warning and can indicate danger of some sort. The crocodile can also reflect how you feel inside about others. It could be saying that it is time to take back your independence. If you decide not to attack the animal then seeing this creature is associated with the capability to survive in difficult situations, but can also stand for wasted potential.

I wasn't trying to attack the crocodile. I was running from it, so assuming the crocodile is representing my feelings about someone it could be saying that I'm being threatened by someone in my life and need to get away from them.

Dream Points involving the Boa:

Dreaming of the boa is about the same as dreaming of the devil, it indicates stormy times and much bad fortune. Disenchantment with humanity will follow. It also represents feelings of being emotionally suffocated or restricted. Alternatively, it represents repressed sexual urges or hidden enjoyment of sex.

I had the crocodile dream awhile ago, but this one was last night. I know I have sexually repressed urges and hidden enjoyment. I do feel emotionally suffocated/restricted a lot, but I wish I could understand more specifics of this. Like, why the boa was trying to kill me? And what it meant that it killed those around me? Maybe I'm letting my emotional hang-ups kill my relationships with other people? Even though the boa was out to kill me, it never seemed to try very hard. It was mostly just me running, but I could feel the hostile intent from it.

Dream Points involving the Cheetah

To see a cheetah in your dream, suggests that you need to get moving and be more active in pursuit of your goals.

I suppose this one is pretty self-explanatory. I didn't just have one cheetah, but a bunch of them and in a way it did feel like they were herding me. When I went to far in the Serengeti is when I started running into more and more of them and getting turned back around. The one thing that really stood out was the confrontation with the one cheetah. It was chasing me and I turned to face it, bringing us to a momentary standstill before running. It didn't chase me when I ran away.

Let Down

You know the best part about really needing someone? It's when they let you down and don't even notice. It's when you're screaming for them and they refuse to hear. When you're choking down your pain, because you don't want them to see you cry even though all you really want to do is curl up against them and let the tears fall, but it would hurt so much more to let them see and have them turn away then for them to never know at all. It's knowing that every good intention paves your road to hell and that every promise is just another way to lie. It's knowing what they say to win your heart is being said to someone else as well. It's knowing they'll never really see you, because their too busy looking somewhere else. It's knowing you'll never be good enough, because they won't even let you try. That you're just a part of the background when the main events not around.. But mostly, it's knowing someone else would love you right, but your hearts already been given away.

Sword and Shield

I hold his devil and he my angel. Without him I'd walk a path with no redemption for it's said when an angel loses her grace she falls, but when I lost my wings he grew his own and now we fly together. I've kept his soul safe where no sin can touch, for I know just what he'll do. I'll be his sword and I'll drop his enemies to their knees and execute them in vengeful blood. They'll know the wrath of a woman's heart and cower in fear of being the next struck down. Where I walk a path of blood will follow and where it leads will be the only place I've ever called home.
I hold her angel and she my devil. Without her I'd walk a path of fire, for no devil can enter heaven without getting scorched, but she followed me down so we could burn together. I've kept her soul safe from the evil she's wrought, for she truly knows not what she does. I'll be her shield and I'll defend her from foes that would do her harm and take the blows she'd not survive. In my protection she will be untouchable and for those that come for her blood they will only find my own. I'll follow where she leads so I can keep the monsters away, leaving her safe at the place we call home.

Letters For a Friend: 3

I finally understand the fear you always tried explaining to me. The anxiety and the tightening of your chest. The worry. The ache. The fear of loss and replacement and falling behind as things change so suddenly. It's like you're standing still and everything keeps moving around you. You just want it to slow down for a moment so you might have a chance to catch up. It's scary and I'm afraid. I wanted you to move forward, to move on, but now that you are I'm afraid you might move past me. I'm not used to seeing change in you. The unfamiliarity makes it seem like it's happening faster, but I know it's just paranoia. You've always been a constant in my life. The one person I could always depend on to be there even when it was something that upset you. The one man whose love I could accept, because there was no pressure or worry that you'd leave. I've never had to be afraid of you walking away or afraid of you hating me. It's why I've always been able to say I love you with such ease and why I can be so open with you about everything. It's a comfort I've never had with anyone else. It's something I'll cherish even when I don't show my appreciation. Even when I'm frustrated to the point of wanting to strangle the life out of you. You really have always been my best friend.

Letters For a Friend: 2

You hurt me in ways I didn't think possible. Tore me down to nothing and blamed me for everything. Is that supposed to be the price of love? I wanted to show you something more, but the pain wore me down. How could I hold you up when I couldn't stand on my own? I wanted so much to take your pain I sometimes forgot my own. I focused so much on it that soon that's all there was and when that was gone there was only guilt and then bitter resentment. I know before all that there was love. I know there were happy once. I couldn't tell you what happened if I tried. I'd still be there now if I wasn't so afraid. I don't want to fall back on old habits. And having you ask me for help, as a friend, something you've never called me before practically shattered me and broke my will. Yet, here I am, unable to help you in the way you need. I can't be there to offer you comfort or keep the loneliness away. I can't even give a simple word of care. I'm just too afraid. It took everything to let go. I can't think about the past we've shared without feeling a familiar ache. It's too hard. I'd like to think I'm emotionally invincible, but I'm not. If I were stronger I'd have walked away sooner. Maybe then we'd at least still be able to talk. I'm sorry for the pain we shared, but I hope you know I don't place any blame. I've let all that go. I hope you did too or can find it in you to. You deserve some semblance of peace and happiness. I know all you need is someone to love you. All sides of who you are and I know that you aren't the monster you pretend to be. You're just scared and lonely and want someone to hold you until all is right with the world. I don't hate you or resent you anymore. I wish for you to be okay. Selfishly maybe, because it would help heal some of the scars I still hold.