Hatred

For so long this hatred has been burning beneath the surface. Fueled by constant emotional beatings and repressed anger. A rage that has no escape. No words. An anger that wants only to scream and lash out with teeth and claws, but when that is impossible the only weapon left is words. Words cut deep and linger in the mind and soul. They leave scars beyond the physical realm. Scars that can't easily be tended to, but it is so far from what I want. I can't feel emotional wounds with my hands. I can't tear at them with bloody nails. Can't get the satisfaction of feeling the body bruise and break beneath my onslaught.

Honestly, how many times do you think you can tell me I don't care before I stop? I'm sick of your self-pity and sick of you trying to shove the blame down my throat. Sick of you claiming that I'm saying all these things that I've never said. You only have eyes for your own "pitiful existence" as you put it. Everyone's just worthless, lying, fake scum in your eyes. Nobody cares about you. You're going to be dead in a few years. You're depressed and addicted to my "abuse". I could repeat your words back to you from day one. I don't care if you're upset that I don't say I love you. You want me to pretend, but I'm sick of pretending. Why the hell do you say you love me when I know what you think of me. You've only said it a thousand times over. I'm a weak, lying, hypocritical, manipulative and selfish whore that is no better then anyone else. I let everybody take advantage of me while I let you suffer and stab you in the back for my so called friends, because I don't care about you and I'm just a monster.

Yeah.. Five years of this and the fact that I still talk to you makes me question my own sanity, but then I've never had a good sense of survival. I wish I could have stayed angry, but I've never been good at it. I'm back to being numb, but I think anger would be preferred.