Paranoia

It starts with a simple seed of doubt and then as it grows your reality begins to fray at the edges. Just a little at first and then a little more. It claws and tears at your mind whispering evil words to make you seem insane. Telling lies you would never have believed before. Turning happy to sad and love to hate. Destroying all reason and leaving a path of chaotic waste in its wake.

.. That seed had grown full bloom in her mind. So paranoid of other peoples confession.. Of their feelings.. She could take the littlest thing to heart and it would eat away at her until she was convinced it was all a lie. That they would change their mind. That they would leave .. Then again .. They usually do.

Rambling Stuff

I've been trying to figure out what to write for the last hour and I can't seem to grasp a hold of anything. So perhaps I'll just ramble. Everything I begin writing falls apart, because I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. Honestly, I just want to push everybody away from me. I'm so tired.. So very, very tired.. No, not sleepy. I'm just tired of caring. I don't want to care anymore. This is the hardest time I've ever had trying to pretend I'm happy. I suppose after so long of doing it, it's becoming too much. Oh, don't worry, I'll get over it. I always do, but right now, this feeling or lack of feeling is quite strong. I'm drifting between numb and utterly depressed. Oh, and to top it off I've been insulted by utter human indecency. -.- I'd really, really appreciate it if people would stop asking me for "pics" It's disgusting and pisses me off.. Anyway.. I'm really quite fine I suppose. I can't quite say. I guess I'm still waiting.. Waiting for what exactly? It's really sad when there's only one person you want to talk to and you can't. Of course, it's not like I can ever think of these things when it gets to the point I can talk.. What do I want to talk about? Life. Dreams. Death. Anger. Love. Paranoia. Pain. Abuse. Beauty. Friendship. Paranormal. Everything basically. On a side note n.nS I feel emotionally self-destructive, but that won't stop me ^-^ Nothing will ever stop me from smiling and being happy. Why? Because there isn't a single person or thing that has the right to take that from me without me giving it willingly. I don't care how many times I get pushed down.. I'm always going to get back up.. I'm always going to be here.. Waiting.. Just.. waiting..

Maybe

..I'm doing this wrong? Why don't you all just tell me what will make you happy so I can just do it rather then trip over my own feet while attempting to. I act one way, you get upset. I act the other way, you still get upset. I don't get it. Just make up your mind already. I mean, I could just do the completely distant thing and hold people at arms length. Nobody seems to like that much though, but of course if I'm all friendly and overly perky it's only acceptable if it's towards "you" and "you" alone. What? I'm not allowed to be friends with multiple people? I'm not allowed to give over the net hugs and share kind words and maybe give someone a bit of attention without someone else freaking out and jumping to assumptions or jealous thoughts? Newsflash people o__o I don't belong to any of you... And if a complete outsider to the situation is looking at things without me telling them anything and saying they think I'm being treated like an object x.x then I must say... Something is wrong.. I guess.. I don't much mind to much of being treated that way o__o but didn't your parents ever teach you to share? A person can have more then one friend you know.. Oh and they can even be of the opposite gender and guess what.. that doesn't mean there's something all secret-like going on. Hey, they can even like or adore the person and something still might not be going on. Assumptions are bad for everyone's health and relationships involved.

I love making people smile and happy and it might come as a surprise to the majority of you, but I actually do care about peoples feelings and just them in general. Sometimes though, I like to take care of myself and how I feel.. Let me worry about the guilt and self-loathing later. I can deal with that on my own, but really, just let me have my damn moment ze.e It would be much appreciated.. After that I'll go back to painting smiles on your faces and nursing your emotions with band-aids. Mmk?

Also.. If you want to know something or have something you think would be good to tell me or just plain have some thought about me you'd like to get off your chest or even if you don't want to o___o I'm a big girl and I can take it.. I can handle it you know.. It's not like I'm going to go all mental on you.. Sheesh.. If you haven't noticed by now I'm not exactly the type of person to hold a grudge or get mad.. Hell, I get over everything and can forgive anything.. However, I can't do anything about "you" if "you" don't tell me.

Sidenote: Not speaking about anyone in general.

Burning

I am an angel without wings and a halo long gone.
An angel of lost faith and convictions gone wrong.
I am an angel self-cast into fire without a hope for redemption.
An angel of both filth and sin and no salvation
I am an angel that has fallen to a demons desire
An angel without truth, a selfish liar

I feel the taint creeping over my skin. My self-inflicted contamination. I couldn't help the words I spoke or the ways that I felt, but I know I only tied this noose tighter. I'll hang myself with the words and feelings I've spun and in turn suffocate on the sin I've wrought. I seek no forgiveness and wish not to repent. I simply want to feel the fire wash over the wounds of my fate as I falter on the steps of destiny. I need no hand to offer me the way as I can fall just as well on my own. I took my chance to fly and carved the wings from my back with every lie I told. Fear not, for I feel no pain as I so willingly sought to burn in your demons embrace.

Lost Words

Normally I don't find it so hard to write when I get in one of my moods, but now you keep coming along and I find myself unable to write like I normally do. The words keep getting stuck. Caught by these feelings of warmth and the want to write happy thoughts even when I feel sick. The words of hatred, disgust and.. and.. lol.. See? I can't even recall the words I use to write about. Oh, I think lies and anger. Yes, those are them. You seem to have stolen my spiteful and depressing words and now I'm baffled on what to write. I have never been one to write happy things. Even when I write of love and adoration there has always been a lying undertone of sorrow. I can't even seem to reach that. I know all these feelings and thoughts are still with me, I just can't reach them for the happiness I've been caught up in. So now I'm wondering if I should write about these things while I think I can or do I wait for old words to come back?

All The Same

Everything's the same as it was before. Nothing has changed from all the times we've said it would. The only difference now is that the feelings are no longer there. The emotions have come and gone, but the fighting remains. Do you even wonder why? Why do we keep yelling and why keep on lying? Why keep pretending when pretending isn't even fun anymore? Why bother saying things will get better or even act as though we care? Why try fixing the wounds we worked so hard to inflict? And why say we didn't mean it when we know every word was what we meant and there's never a single word we regret? I guess these questions don't really mean anything to me. In the end the only one that I'd like to actually know is, why can't I leave this hell and why won't you let me go?

Again

I did it again, like every time before. I've torn open a new wound and I can't help but wonder now, how many are actually from me? To say I'm sorry sounds so cliche and without meaning anymore. I guess you were right, like every time before, my dream really is a foolish and impossible one. How could I ever be an angel when I can't even be a shield? No, I suppose I've always been more like a double edged sword. Keeping away other pain just to create my own. I think I would be pretty satisfied with simply being a ghost and watch rather then being a part of anything. I've debated and struggled a lot with my own inner conflicts, but the line is beginning to blur and I'm not seeing so much of a difference anymore. Maybe I should have confided, but it seems so much more personal then the other things I mention. It would be so easy to lay back and let the demons take reign, but if this is what you think now, I can only imagine what you'd think then.

Fooled

Do you think you can play me and get off as though you were the one all along? Do you think that a promise made is not to be shattered by another promise broken? Did you think I would be okay with you stealing away the only moment that I had? Just because I care about your feelings does not give you the right to walk all over mine. I'm as entitled to my emotions as you are to yours, so do not try playing me for a fool. You should have just let it be and let me enjoy the time I created for him and I.

Obviously.. Still not happy about having my secrecy blown. I was enjoying myself greatly before you came along to stick your nose where it doesn't belong and then you have the gall to lie repeatedly to me and try pretending to be me? Seriously? ze.e!! RAGE

Pretend

Would you mind if I took a moment to pretend you were mine? To say the things my heart longs to reveal? To show you the love you've made me feel? To share the secrets of thoughts that all include you? And would it be wrong to say I'd be okay with just that simple thought of such affection knowing we could never be? Could you fault me for wanting to have a time that is only ours without the interruption of others? To want to escape the pains of reality for a brief moment of solace? Or would you join me in this wonderfully woven illusion I've created for just us two?

Belief

Beyond words I could never speak and visions I could never see, there is a belief, a faith, that I could not reach. Tethered to this reality by unknown aggression and unvoiced hurt. I wonder at unanswered questions, but am I the one turning from the answers? Am I the one refusing to see what is so clear? Do I blind myself with the things I don't wish to accept? Do I close my ears to the things I'd rather not hear? But who are you to say what I should believe? Who are you to give answers you don't know? To show the things you've never seen. To speak what you've never really heard? If my belief or lack-there-of is such a crime what makes you think you're the one to judge?

Secrets

Everybody has them. Some more convoluted then others and yet sometimes the ones that seem so simple are the ones that cut the deepest. I have a secret that I'm dying to tell. I've never been good at keeping my own secrets. I've never been good at not giving the truth. The problem is.. If I were to tell him what new hell would it open? I've learned the pain of opening myself to the truth time and again and yet I've never learned.. There's something that keeps ringing in my head and I keep hearing myself answer, "Yeah.. except I've found someone like that every where I've gone." I know the pain the truth would cause.. and in knowing that would it be right to lead somebody to that type of hurt? or would it be better to let them go on living in bliss knowing that if they never learned what I knew they could keep what they have and be happy. If I were to tell, even if they chose not to believe me, that seed of doubt would still be there. Lingering. Festering.. into what though? Hatred? Spite? Betrayal? Confusion? I guess the truth isn't really mine to keep, but is it really mine to give? Is it not meant to be taken as it is and used by the hearer how he pleases? The silence is cold, but the truth would likely burn. I wrote, only once, about what I speak, but I never gave the words to the world to see. A couple people have.. One of them was close to the subject and even they skipped over the subtle hint. For some reason I feel that this is a truth better left buried for the dead.