Well, I guess you aren't really a friend, but then you never were. You were just some guy that wanted to be with me. That wanted me to be with him. See, if we weren't being affectionate and caring we didn't talk at all. Weeks could pass without a word. It was always more to you then it was to me. Why shouldn't it have been? I knew how it would end. Perhaps it's that I was so set in that that it is why it did end that way, but hey, seems I was right. Now you're gone. Isn't it amazing the way someone can tell you that they love you and that you mean more to them then anything and then time passes and suddenly you don't seem to mean so much. Of course, when you notice little things, like the fact that they could go those weeks without speaking to you. Even days. Never a word, well then, can you say that you ever felt like you meant so much then?
Then again, love isn't something I really believe in. Maybe once, but I believed in that fairy tale kinda love and now I just think that love is the fairy tale. It just isn't real. Care, sure. The urge to be with someone and spend your time on them, because you enjoy it, but this love thing entirely eludes me. I had a friend tell me the other day that love is what you create. He said that it doesn't exist for me, because I haven't made it yet. In a way that makes sense, but the very idea of it still remains at the edge of my mind. I just don't get it. I can't see to the end of things, because all I see are the ends. I don't think things are meant to last and I don't believe in that one person for everyone. Maybe my thoughts have just become twisted by how much of a selfish world I believe we live in. Everyone wants what's best for them. What makes them happy. What satisfies their pride. . or whatever vice or righteous belief they have. If you do something, you do it for yourself, even if it's something to help someone else. Perhaps the least selfish of all people are those that give even when it makes them angry inside to do it. When the very thought of doing so embitters them, because even though they feel that bad inside to give what they do, they still do it. It's not like they get anything from it, but a sour mood.
Don't get me wrong. I understand pain. I understand want. I understand all the feelings that a person can go through and I'm not immune to them, I'm just not surprised when 'love' doesn't come to fruition. I'm not shocked when things end. I'm not dumbfounded by all the ways things can go wrong or that people lie or cheat or.. well, nothing really surprises me anymore. I started writing this with a tinge of pain in my heart and now I'm feeling void, because I don't understand why I was hurting. You're gone and I'm never going to hear from you again. I'm never going to laugh with you or play games with you or hear your voice or your thoughts. I don't know where you're going to end up in life. I don't know if you'll be happy or sad. I'll never know anything about you ever again. Yeah. That should sum up everything that should cause regret or hurt later on. I've put it out and now I can let it go. Does it make me heartless to be willing to let go, but I guess to really do so then I'd have to get over the thing I said I couldn't, but that would then make this pointless. So instead, I'll accept it as it is and let you have your goodbyes. Hope the next one works out better for you, because I already know where mine will end.
PS; The other side of things: o-o Fuck you. Who the hell intentionally hurts someone that they say is more precious to them then anything? I don't care what the reason is. Spite or just to teach them a lesson? What the fuck is wrong with you? Really? You had your feelings hurt because of a moody bitch fit and twisted that around and used it as a reason to purposefully hurt the feelings of someone that came crawling to you in hope of comfort, because you told them they could trust you. You told them that you'd protect them. Way to go. Liar. Are you surprised? I'm not. Ahem.. to reiterate this.. You INTENTIONALLY, that would be to do something with the known purpose of, yes, knowingly done, meant to happen, hurt their feelings. It wasn't just some emotional outburst. No, it was a cold, calculated decision. You hurt my feelings so now I'm going to kick you while your down. Oh, do you know why that person was hurt in the first place? Any idea? Even think to ask? Did you ever think that maybe someone close to them died? No, of course not. You didn't bother to even find out what had them crawling to you in the first place. Would you even care if that were the reason? Would you suddenly feel like an ass? Would you suddenly regret your decision? Mm.. That's a good question. Too bad the answer isn't worth anything. I, however, do feel some of those humanoid emotions drifting into the void now. ^^'
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