Ghost

Day after day, she watches him. Her heart beats, skips, flips and jumps at the mere sight of him. Her lips betray her joy and even anger melts away. How she wanted to hold that rage. How she tried to bury the fragments of spite inside her heart, hoping the seeds would grow and spread just for her to dig them up and throw them away. He was laughing again. Was it a friend? Someone more? She paced around inside her head, listening, anxiety growing. Who did he talk to? What was he doing? Why was he so far away when the distance was only steps? She could get even closer. Be right in his arms, but feel so far apart. Her paranoia ate away the sanity. Did she even want to be sane anymore? This world didn't allow her to murder him. Jail wasn't her thing and he'd still be away. Nothing solved. . but at least he wouldn't be away with someone else. His attention wouldn't belong to someone else. It was supposed to be hers, so why was she alone? Why did he reach out to others instead? Where was the love she was told was hers? She hated them. She hated them so much. It burned every cell inside her. Why did they get everything that was supposed to be hers? Why was she fighting, begging and clawing for every piece of affection she could get from him? Terrible. The Little Queen dropped onto her stool and set her chin in her hand. Despicable. Her resentment was for herself. She had never needed anyone, so why should she need him? Why did she insist on chasing someone who wanted to be somewhere else? They were closer than they'd ever been and yet to him, she was nothing more than a ghost.

Future Memory

Here and now, I hear your voice, but it's like an echo from somewhere else. I see your face and I watch you move. I could reach out and I'd feel your skin and I'd know you're there, but it's like seeing a ghost and touching empty air. Here in this place we're together, but time is spinning around us and I'm watching you age, even though it's only been seconds. Those seconds to me are an eternity. They're a lifetimes worth of pain and joy; of success and failure. Then there's an emptiness. It's a place that you'll go to and I won't get to follow. It's a you that will exist that I'll never get to know. It's a life that lives beyond this eternity. Here and now I realize, this moment in which we exist, is only a future memory and the you that I've known is already gone.

In the tapestry of moments, here and now,

Your voice, an echo, a whisper somehow.

I see your face, a fleeting trace,

Time spins around, a transient space.

I reach out, touching empty air,

A ghostly presence, a silent affair.

In this place, we're together, entwined,

Yet, time ages you, a moment confined.

Seconds stretch, an eternity's span,

Pain and joy, the life of a man.

Success and failure, woven threads,

In the here and now, where time treads.

Then, an emptiness, a distant tomorrow,

A place you'll go, beyond my sorrow.

A life unknown, a you I can't follow,

A future memory, a bittersweet swallow.

Here and now, I realize the truth,

Moments we share, the eternal youth.

In this existence, a fleeting reverie,

A future memory, of you and me.

Poem is AI generated based off my text.

Leandra's Letters: Darling Liar

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say I love you. I wonder what would you do? I've already received your devotion; tch, how false. Your own love; no, no, lets not lie that much. Your attention; heh, impossible to keep. I read back on the things you said and now I wonder what of it is left in truth and what of it was forgotten in lies. You were mine, because I knew your heart, but you let it change without telling me. Now you act like all those others who spew out words, trying to weave elaborate stories of fiction as if that will somehow alleviate you of some guilt. You make excuses for your stories, saying this or that to cover your lies as best you can. You're like a child trying to hide your mess under the bed, but I see so clearly what's really there. You're tripping over your own make believe and turn a blind eye when it's shown to be so clearly under your feet; ignoring the issues that are actually there, but addressing the ones that do not matter as if that will divert attention. My darling boy, you are but a liar who should have his tongue cut from his mouth the way you've cut my trust of you from my heart.

It's not that I cared you took another into your embrace. No, sharing has never been my problem, but you're lying to me now and when I sought the truth you took half measures with the information you gave and then when you had satisfied what I needed to know you assumed that was the end of it, but I had to check on you, of course. It seemed to end so badly for you, how could I not worry over your heart? Taking care of the things that belong to me, that's not even a question. It's just something that is done. I was hopeful in thinking that we had grown past your error, but I discovered yet more half truths and withheld knowledge. You are no expert in deceit and I fear I must tell you, you have failed miserably, but even worse than that you have removed my romanticized vision of you and allowed me to see the despicable beast you've allowed yourself to become. No longer do I desire to own you as you do not deserve to be mine and considering I believe everything should belong to me, that's quite the feat to be unwanted.

Do you think I'm being unfair? I assume you might, but then I also can hear your voice in my ear saying that I'm right and a myriad of excuses as to why you're such a horrid person and that you had to lie, because you feared harming my feelings or somehow disappointing me. I can't help, but be curious as to how you thought this path you've chosen would prevent those things from happening? I never took you for a fool, but that is another thing about you that I obviously need to reconsider. Am I being to harsh? It's hard to tell. I personally think I'm curbing my tongue quite well, but I digress. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the fact that I will no longer be referring to you as mine as you are not worthy of such a thing and although I feel that it would be in my interest as a lady to give you well wishes and hopes for your happiness, I personally feel bitterly betrayed and hope your genitalia fall off so that you may live out your life as a eunuch.

All the worst, Leandra.

Love

"Anytime you think of pleasure you will think of me. I want every breath you take to be empty unless you're close enough to smell me. Every word you speak to be unimportant unless it's to me. Every sound you hear empty unless it's my voice. I want you to remember that whatever pleasure you have from now on, you'll have it from me." - Unknown

Live long enough and you'll eventually survive heartbreak or be destroyed by it and be reborn someone new. People always warn you against hatred and the way it can kill the goodness inside and around you, but they never tell you how much slower love twists that same embittered knife into your heart. Even worse for the way it lures you in with sweet promises and lies we believe, because we are so desperate to find that piece of happiness that always seems to elude us. That pain doesn't go away when we pull the knife free. It leaves  a scar to remind us of what it is to have and to lose it. But is it really better to have had and lost then to have never had at all, though? If I'd never loved before then maybe I would still feel like I was able to now. Or at least feel like I could be loved by someone else.

A Chocolate Heart.

This is a heart. It's a chocolate one and inside it's hollow, but in the very center is this warm gooey drop floating around in empty space. This drop cries out, but the emptiness is so vast that it's cries are little more then mewlings as all the sound is swallowed up. If someone listens real hard, though, they can hear that faint little call, but sweet as it is, it barely catches the ear and is forgotten as if it weren't really there. It's a lonely drop, but it hopes that one day someone will hear it and wonder if maybe there really was something there and that they'd go in search of it. Then it wouldn't have to be alone anymore inside of all the emptiness.

Snubbed

So, the other day I came across a photo on my FB feed. The picture was of a woman who's passion happens to be photography and modeling in her own and others pictures. Well in this specific one she states that she was bored and so this picture happened. It was a lovely picture as they all turn out to be. She's really quite talented, but it was the commentary that drew away from the art of the picture. One guy posted the comment that she was beautiful and thanks for the image snack. Now, I don't know about personal messages she got from this guy, but she went off on him. She told him that he shouldn't be flirting with her and that he knows she's in a relationship and if he can't respect that than he shouldn't be friends with her. Now, this lights up an argument with a completely different guy that didn't see what she was so upset about and what I don't see her being upset about either. She is beautiful, and sorry, but telling someone that doesn't always equal flirting. Everyone claims that his saying beautiful wasn't the target of her hostility. It was the image snack part. Now, as an aspiring photographer/model she knows that those types of comments are bound to happen. If she didn't want to risk someone making that kind of comment then she shouldn't do photography, but in my opinion, I think it stemmed from the fact she now has a boyfriend, because of that the rules seemed to suddenly change, because flirtatious comments like that weren't a problem before. Now, understandable as that may be, photography is not only for the one taking the photo, but for those that it's put out there to see. I don't see anything wrong in that guys comment. "Thanks for the image snack." It sounds weird, but for me translates to, this picture is awesome and thanks for sharing. He just had his own way of saying it, that others took offense to. The girls bf then goes on to say how proud he is of her for sticking up for their relationship, but all I see that she did was yell at a guy for saying that her photo was lovely. Kind of uncalled for to me. If the boyfriend has a problem with her chosen art form, because of the comments it can bring then she needs to work something out with him or make her photo's a little less for the public and more for herself.

That was just strike one for me. The second was when another girl commented about the picture being beautiful and then giving suggestions and ideas for what she'd like to see this girl do in future photography. She then added to her comment that if the girl had a problem with the guys comment that she could always unfriend/block him. The girl then yelled at this person as well, saying that she shouldn't give compliments with such a serious undertone, just to cover for wanting to comment about the argument over what the guy said. That was absolutely rude in my opinion. The model yelled at this girl who complimented her photography all over the fact she told her that if she didn't like what he had to say that she could block him. Sounds to me like this girl should calm down and stop yelling at people who enjoy her work. That's a good way to lose fans.

Sorry

So, there's this girl. She's kind of a brat and she's horrible at controlling her temper. When she's angry she just blurts things out even when she knows she shouldn't or when she'd rather say something else. Later she'll think about it and she'll want to apologize or go back and say what she didn't, but she finds it really hard to do that. You see, it's hard for her, being direct, with squishy emotional things. She doesn't exactly have any tact and the openness of it makes her edgy and rather volatile. She doesn't like it. Them. The squishiness.

So one day, she hurt someone's feelings, because she got angry. It was awkward for her later and she wasn't sure how to approach him. She cou.. should have just apologized, but instead she did what she tends to do when she feels discomforted. She withdrew and tried poking at the waters. She thought that she could make it up to him by simply being around and being good. She did know she hurt his feelings and she did care. She isn't so oblivious as to not know when she'd upset him. She knew from the way he didn't talk to her like he normally would. He just sat around in silence and when he did speak it was curt and cold nor did he reply when she said she loved him, but she thought if she was simply determined it would fix itself. No, it doesn't make sense, but her mind doesn't always work quite right. She was trying to make it better, just not in the way that would work. 

She'd been sad for days. Especially at night after she'd worn herself out of things during the day. She'd been crying a lot and she entirely sure why. She just hurt inside. She'd gone over a few reason's as to why that might have been. Her utter lack of belief in anything lasting being one of those things. Her worry that this guy was going to end up hating her. She knows she's been bad to him. All they did was argue when they did get the chance to talk. She didn't mean to argue with him. It just happened. Half the time she didn't even know why she was fighting with him. All she really wanted to do was curl up with him, but sometime, somehow, something happened and for her it felt like there was a wall between them. She couldn't feel that warmth from him that she once did. She didn't know if it was her or if it was him. He said a lot that he loved her and that she was most precious, but she couldn't feel it. She wondered a lot if that was part of the problem. Sometimes she'd feel a little spark of it here or there.. but more and more she just felt more distant from him. Again, she didn't know if she was doing it or if it was him. Of course it made her withdraw more in herself so after awhile she wasn't helping the situation. She'd be around him, but the way it felt, she might as well have been alone. He'd told her that relationships were give and take, but she didn't think either of them were getting what they wanted. She doubted he could be, because she knew she hadn't been giving much of anything. When he was gone, she missed him horribly. When he was with her, she was just angry. She still isn't sure why. She's contemplated it, but has no definite answer.

So yes, she was hurting and depressed and she went to him, because she wanted that warmth that he could give her, though rare it seemed to be. Instead of getting that, she got a cold shoulder. He says he hurt her, because he was hurt and that he'd hurt her again if she hurt him. She didn't understand that and still doesn't. All that registered for her in that was that unless things were great between them and she had him happy then she couldn't depend on him, because he'd simply lash out at her  to return whatever hurt she'd caused him be it intentionally or not. There was no in between about it. There was no, I'd try not to, but it might happen. No. He said specifically. If you hurt me I'm going to hurt you. Where's the safety in that, the security, she wondered? She had been hurt before, but that he had turned her away when she came to him and asked him for help, had cut deep. Even now she's struggling to come to terms with that. He apologized for the way he reacted to.. something. She can't even remember. She was to angry to hear him before, but in the back of her mind she knew she should have stopped for a moment and finally said she was sorry for losing her temper before, but she didn't, because she was angry again. Angry and hurt. She always acted as if she got over things quite easily, but she never let anything go and it had a way of festering. Every little nuance or bad word spoken between them. It had it's own little place in her mind and maybe that was why she had so much angst when it came to him. Why she no longer felt that warmth.

See, she doesn't feel good in his eyes and it's not just the bad things he's said to her, but the bad things she's done to him, those are possibly worse, because she blames herself for what he's said to her. She thinks that it's her fault and believes what he says. Even though a person might be one thing to themselves, how another person see's them, well, that's part of who they are as well, after all, it's hardest to know yourself. If he said she was a bitch then it was true to her. If he said she was uncaring. It was true. Every bad thing he said, she did, it just made her more defensive, distant, cold. It made her want to push him away, because she looked down at herself through him.  She's not saying that was the way he really saw her, but once the thoughts were there, they stuck. . and at some point he must have saw he those ways, because he said them. Not all, some were of her own thinking. The worse she treated him, the worse she saw herself, and the worse it would get. She did try to stop. Sometimes she'd try just stepping back and not controlling anything, but that didn't work out very well either.

She doesn't understand why he stayed around her. It was confusing. She was mean. He was unhappy with her all the time and yet he still said talking with her made him feel better. She wasn't sure why. She wasn't nice to him like she used to be. Despite her own feelings towards how she saw herself through him, she still believed that everything between them meant more to him then her and that also made her want to push him away. It was wrong to her that someone should feel more for her then she did them. She believes that she'll always end up disappointing that someone. That in the end she'll just hurt them. He said during this last fight that he didn't want a forever gf, but that confused her as well. What was it he wanted then? He wanted her to himself and had continuously told her they were dating and yet he now said he didn't want a forever gf. Did that mean that he had no plans of being with her in the future anyway? That wouldn't surprise her as she had never seen a future with anyone for herself. Yes, she said she loved him, but she also didn't believe that word meant to her what it did others. For her, it was merely a way of saying care. It didn't mean much more for her to say it to one person or the other. The word was rather empty in and of itself. . she had no meaning for it. It was a fairy tale. A friend had told her that she needed to create it for herself, before it could be real. She liked that idea, but I digress.

So she told him to go away. That she wouldn't regret it and could live without him. Of course that's true. She already had that lesson in life. It took her many years to figure out how to say goodbye to someone and then a few years more to figure out how to move past regret, but a lesson learned isn't always forgotten. It wasn't a remark about her feelings towards him, just a statement that she could move past the pain of losing someone close to her. She accepted long ago that nobody and nothing is a constant and that goodbye's are always going to be there. All she wanted was for him to understand that. She just wanted him to understand that. That she couldn't be that dedicated, loving person. As far as she knew, he wanted a future with her and she couldn't see one. Did that mean she didn't care about him? No. Did it mean she didn't want to be romantic with him? No.

So he went away. He came back, though. Which really surprised her, because as far as she had ever been able to tell he was far better than she was at ignoring someone as he could go a long time without responding t o her as has happened in the past. She didn't mean to fight with him again. She just wanted to be honest and let him know how badly what he had done hurt her. It broke something inside. And she knows that he was hurt and she knows that she wasn't in the right of anything, but none of that changes how she feels about his turning her away when she came to him for help. All she wanted was for him to know that couldn't just forgive him and go back to trusting him to be there when she needed him. She couldn't just get over it. He always said that problems don't fix themselves, you have to talk through them, but sometimes it's not talking that needs to be done. Sometimes talking doesn't bring the trust back. Sometimes it doesn't make the cold warm again. Sometimes other things are required. But yes, he came and a fight ensued. She knew that once he left again, his pride wouldn't let him come back a second time, nor would he risk having his heart ripped out, yet again., but she did want to try fixing things when he had first came to her. She just wanted him to know why it wouldn't just fix and that it wasn't going to. It needed time.

And so she told him a story that he already knew with some things that he didn't. Why is she telling him this story? Just so that he knows she's...